Monday, February 1, 2010
Deputy Cattle Guard
(Imagine for a minute the Mayor is played by Fred Gwynne (Herman Munster) and Farmer Brown is played by Cletus T. Judd.)
Minutes from the regular session of City Management for Podunk USA.
Mayor: ...And finally tonight, we have a request from a Mr. Farmer Brown. >looks around< Is there a Mr. Brown here?
Farmer Brown: >hand shoots up< Yessir, I'm right here, sir >stands up awkwardly, arm still in air<
Mayor: Alright Mr. Brown, please approach the podium >waves hand in front of himself< and tell us your request.
Brown: >finally puts arm down< I appreciate this opportunity yer honor >steps up to podium< I... uh... my.... that is.... >clears throat<... uh...
Mayor: >scowls slightly< What's your first name son?
Brown: It's Farmer, sir.
Mayor: Son, you had better not be playing games with me.
Brown: No Sir! My parents wanted to make sure I knew what I was going to be when I grew up, so they decided to call me Farmer, just t' make it easy on everyone.
Mayor: >looking incredulous< So.. your parents... named you Farmer Brown?
Brown: Well, Farmer is actually my middle name.
Mayor: so what's your first name?
Brown: Old Man.
Mayor: >muttering< oh for heaven's sake.... >to Brown< so, your full name is "Old Man Farmer Brown"?
Brown: yessir. You see why I go by my middle name?
Mayor: Well, let's just get to what you want to address the town council for.
Brown: >clears throat< yessir. >pulls papers out of breast pocket and smooths them out< uh... As you all know, we have many cattle guards out here in the parts, and while they have served their purpose, I think that they're not being taken seriously anymore. >looks up quickly< What I am saying is that cows are no longer abiding by the cattle guards, often they just go right over them, without any regard for what the guard is trying to do - which is keep the cows in one spot. What I am proposing is deputizing these cattle guards - giving them badges and guns so they can better police the cows.
Mayor: son, let me stop you there for a minute. >takes glasses off and rubs his eyes< You want to deputize cattle guards to prevent cows from walking over them?
Brown: that is correct sir. I know for a fact that my ol' Bessie really doesn't give a damn about no cattle guards no more. In fact, I know she and a couple of her friends are planning on staging a walk over just to prove they can.
Mayor: Son, are you delusional?
Brown: uh... I'm not really sure what that means, so I'll have to say no.
Mayor: So you want us to purchase badges and working revolvers for stationary cattle guards to prevent cows from maliciously walking over them?
Brown: yeah, all of that, except for the maliciously part... they ain't got no taste.
Mayor: >throws hands up in the air< alright, what the hell... we'll go for it.
Clipping from Podunk USA Weekly:
LOCAL CATTLE GUARDS DEPUTIZED