Sunday, December 6, 2009

Final Writing Experiment number 7

Sooner or later, all good things must come to an end, and unfortunately, this experiment is one of those. As much fun as this last week has been, I have other irons in the fire that actually will pay me money - if I get my act together. However, I've got plans for the new year, so I'll keep you posted as it draws near.
Anyways, enough about that preamble to the ramble... here we go with the topic for tonight's post:

Writing Experiment 7 - Why is my wife always right, Which came first: The chicken or the egg, and write my life story in seven words or less

I just love it when I open my mouth to insert my foot. Especially when I manage to say something when my wife, Melissa is around. While most of the time we agree, there are times when we don't really see eye to eye. Just like any married couple, we have our disagreements, even our knock down drag out fights. Irregardless of the outcome, we still love each other.
Now, any guy who has been married for any appreciable amount of time can attest, we can never win a fight. Not a smart ass remark, simply an observation.
The question is, why?
The short answer is that it's the right thing to do. The longer more complicated answer has many facets. I will be using my Wife as an example.
One the one hand, I'm wrong. Simple, to the point, I am wrong. I may continue to argue, but Melissa will present incontrovertible proof that forces me to shut up.
On another hand, it could be that we have a misunderstanding about something that once it is resolved, I agree with Melissa - thereby her being correct.
Pulling up another hand, I might be right. However, this is negated by one of three things: 1) I might be right, but then proven wrong at a later date. 2) I am right, but I can't prove it, or 3) I'm right, but I chose to abandon the argument because it is causing too much strife or stress in the house.
Of course, Melissa will disagree vehemently with me about this, but the majority of arguments are based off of differing points of view, and since I'm writing this, I'm right... up until Melissa tells me I'm wrong.
Now all of that above may seem immature and petty, and plainly on the page, it seems like it. However, there are subtle nuances to the verbal dancing that cannot be conveyed in text. It's a matter of respect, a little pride, and a lot of diplomacy. In a relationship like ours, both of us can't always be right, and as much as I like to parade around my superiority (see last night's post), I know it can get rather overbearing and offensive.
Melissa is always right because it works in this relationship - even when she's wrong, she's right, and I love her dearly for it. Besides, I would rather be with her than be right any day.
Cop out? you better believe it, but the fringe benefits more than make up for it. *wink*


A philosophical question for you, and I apologize for the cliche, but here it is.... What came first, the chicken or the egg? I suppose we could rephrase that as Heisenberg's theory of uncertainty. Granted, it is a bit of a stretch - one concerns the idea of what begun the perpetuation of a species, the other is an attempt to prove a being can be present in two states of being at the same time....
On second thought, let's skip Heisenberg.
I suppose if we go back far enough in time, we can show that the question is not valid - if you follow the concept of evolution, we find that it was actually the lizard that came first, so we can finally put (forgive the pun) this bird to rest.
But hold on, you say. That's a huge cop out! Well, again, you'd be right. I never said I was going to argue one way or the other, but I suppose that's what you were expecting so, let's take a closer look at this.
A brief run through my favorite search engine (yay GOOGLE!) offered up an interesting little nugget that "allegedly" proves the argument has a conclusion: The egg came first. They claim that even though the parent may not have been a chicken, if the egg was a mutation that creates a chicken, the egg is considered a chicken egg. Therefore, the egg came first.
If you want to argue ownership rights, that's a different post. This one is finished.
(Personally, I was rooting for the chicken)


Born warped, married smart, kids, write hard.

all together now...

Born, married, wife right, egg first, done.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Writing Experiment 6 - The incredibleness of your brother in-law Roger. His handsomeness, grace under fire and fabulous looks.

So, I would like to take some time tonight to talk about my Brother-in-law, Roger Smith. Now, anyone who has met Roger knows how studly and tumescent he is - his quick wit, his good looks, his prowess in the bedroom. Words cannot even come close to the amazing awesomeness that is the man that puts Adonis to shame and makes him hang his head in defeat. Women swoon over him, men want to be him, writers and poets weep and rend their clothes in futile attempts to discover the words that do this Hercules/Odysseus/Adonis/Don Juan the barest amount of justice.
But just who is this Roger Smith, the mere mention of his name liable to call down his ire, due to the utterer not being worthy to even breathe his name. Roger Smith, that god amongst men is a father, a husband, a brother and son. He is a caretaker, a provider, a soothsayer, a teller of tales, a sly profligate of the highest moral turpitude, and if whispers hold true; a lover of unmitigated passion and sensitivity whose can restore a woman's maidenhead if she so wishes - while he still lays with her.
His intelligence and wit is second to none - having bested the greatest minds of our time (he once went head to head with Stephen Hawking in a joke telling contest over particle physics - Hawking fled, weeping), he devised a manner of travel to turn back the hands of the clock to match wits with Heisenberg, Bohr, Einstein and other great minds. His crowning achievement was to prove to Heisenberg that the cat actually existed in two states at once by producing both a live and a dead cat at the same time from the box. On his return, he single-handedly out joked every comer at the "Def Comedy Jam", then took on every inductee to the comedy hall of fame.
Once, at a bar, he got into a fight with Chuck Norris, Jean Claude Van Damme, Stephen Segal, Chow Yun Fat, Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan and Andy Kauffman. After yelling "Boo" really loudly at Van Damme and watching Van Damme run away with urine streaming down his legs, he picked up Segal, beat Lee and Fat to death with him, and proceeded to Shove Jackie Chan's head through Norris's chest. He then sat down to discuss the finer points of modern life with Kauffman, until a cute waitress came up and wrestled Kauffman.
Once, while he was studying to become a RN, he performed a quadruple bypass surgery on the teacher using only a ball point pen, the wire from a spiral bound note-book, and five feet of invisible tape. Not only did his teacher survive, but she also lost 50 pounds, looked ten years younger, and gained two bust sizes.
Last Thursday, Roger walked into a hostage situation. The hostage takers were demanding that the United States cease all actions in the Middle East and withdraw completely, and then have everyone in America convert to radical Islam. Not only did Roger talk to hostage takers into letting all the hostages go, he also got them to renounce their radical beliefs, convert to Christianity, give up their weapons and rat out their superiors, where they were at, what weapons they had, how they wore their underwear and what they liked in their coffee. On top of that, he got their superiors to renounce their violent ways. He then shot Osama Bin Laden with a gun fashioned out of two pipe cleaners, a rubber band, and five pounds of C-4.
He faced off against Galactus, the World Eater and not only kicked Galactus's ass, but knocked him completely out of the Marvel Universe and into the Magic Kingdom where he now runs the "Peter Pan" ride.
Roger tends to be so calm, cool and collected that he sweats ice cubes. His demeanor is so mellow, he constantly has penguins and seals resting on him. Greenpeace once named him the "safest place for endangered arctic creatures".
At the Academy Awards, he swept every honor - even "Best Female Lead".
He is the alpha and omega - he is the beginning and the end, he is all that was, and all that will ever be.
I suppose it's just a damn shame that he's second best to me.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Writing Experiment 5 - Jack and Jill

So who the hell is Jack and Jill? Until now, I had never heard of them myself. When it was first suggested to me, I thought Jack and Jill? Isn't it Jack Off Jill, the Ft. Lauderdale alt rock band of females? Did they get back together?
Unfortunately, that was not the case.
Jumping on my favorite search engine (Google FTW!) failed to turn up anything that looked remotely favorable. Knowing full well that a straight "Jack and Jill" search would only bring up the venerable nursery rhyme, I tried "Jack and Jill band". The only thing I could pull up was a band based out of Illinois, and there were no mentions of electric violins, so... had to go back and redefine my search. Remembering that someone said they were going to be at Hot Topic at the local mall this weekend, so I punched in "Jack and Jill Hot Topic".
Bingo! Found a Facebook page about an upcoming gig at the mall. Unfortunately, still didn't explain much about the band. Upon further exploration, found a link to their Facebook page, and clicked on it. On the left, further down, a link to MySpace music. Clicked on it, and suddenly, I realized that I know these folks. They're friends of my Brother and Sister-in-law.
On their MySpace page, there is a list of tracks from their debut album, so I figured I would check it out. Now I like Aaron and his wife - they are very warm, friendly, outgoing people. I figured that their music would be offbeat and eclectic, like them.
Looking at the tracks, I find one called "Dwelling on what is dead..." Figuring it was fairly dark with some heavy power chords (I'm on a dark, heavy power chord kick right now - don't know why). Instead, I hear violins and slow melodies. Not exactly what I would associate with power chords. Then, the singing begins - and I doze off. Nodding myself awake, I try a different track. Looking at the play list, I try "dreams not even formed"... dozing again. Damn! I'm trying my hardest to find something that I can get into on this album! So I look one more time... this time, I look at the most listens, and end up on "you are my sunshine". For some reason, it just strikes me as a half-hearted pseudo-country drinking song.
Now, I'm not saying that Jack and Jill are not a good band - far from it. What I am saying is that Jack and Jill is not a band that I can see myself listening to.
Just because I'm not a fan of their music does not mean they are a bad band; in fact, listening to their music, it was readily apparent that they know their craft well. Any time you listen to a musician, you can almost instantly tell if they know their craft - and these guys know it in spades.
I wish Aaron and Jessica the best in their endeavors - I know how difficult it can be starting out with something you love and believe in.
BTW - they'll be playing at the Mesa Mall Hot Topic this weekend.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Experiment 4 - Graphic Novels

Writing Experiment 4 Why are graphic novels a great tool for reluctant readers?

Graphic novels are a unique sort of medium. Not a compete picture book, but not a straight prose story. Instead, graphic novels are an amalgamation of two forms - pictures and text. Unlike a picture book, which relies on static images and extensive text to tell a story, a graphic novel uses text to relay dialog and basic plot setup while allowing sequential images to show the action of the story.
So what exactly is a graphic novel? Obviously, it's not a prose novel, nor is it a picture book - we've already established that. But it's not just a comic book either. Comic books and graphic novels look a lot alike, and as time wears on, comic books are being written to eventually become graphic novels, but in the strictest sense of the word, comic books and graphic novels are two separate entities.
Therefore, some terms need to be defined:
Prose: the written word. Basically what you're seeing right now.
Picture: any image that shows something - even an image of prose is still a picture.
Comic book: A (usually) monthly publication that traditionally told a self contained story or stories about a character or characters. Collectible, but for the longest time, considered the realm of children and social outcasts.
Graphic Novel: A book designed to tell a more complex story or story arc than what was originally possible in comic books. Over the years, the lines between comic book and graphic novel have become quite blurred, to the point that they're almost synonymous.
Graphic Novels were originally designed as the more mature version of comic books. Writers and illustrators (quite often one in the same) often like the liberation that comes with writing a graphic novel - in a graphic novel, violence, sexual content, complex adult themes, political agendas or religious ideologies are allowed free reign, unlike a monthly comic book - which has to fall within the constraints of popular culture and censors.
The first graphic novels actually came from the comix movement of the 60's when artists decided that they wanted to tell stories that they were interested in, in ways they wanted to. This resulted in a lot of misogyny, rape fantasy, violence, drug use, political dissent, sex, religion, and autobiography. In fact, Will Eisner, the creator of The Spirit had much to do with the birth of graphic novels. In 1978, Eisner was trying to publish a recollection of experiences from his childhood in New York in the 30's and 40's. He was going to talk to a publisher who he knew would throw him out of the office if he called it a 'comic book'. So with a quick bit of thinking, Eisner called it a 'graphic novel'.
Ultimately, he was thrown out of the office. He did get the book published (through a different publisher), and one of the seminal and groundbreaking cornerstones of the modern graphic novel was created. A Contract with God became the go to guide on how to do not only autobiographical works, but also what sort of subjects could be examined. It has it all, religion, violence, subterfuge, skulduggery, sex, violence, domestic abuse, failed marriages, first loves, lies, truths and enough humanity in it to populate a good chunk of the five boroughs.
Subsequent writers flocked to the banner of the graphic novel: there were new talents that were redefining the genre as they created it - Moore, Miller and Smith. Old school names joined in - Kurtzman, Pekar and Gonnick jumped on the bandwagon as well. The graphic novel was forging ahead at a break-neck pace, hell-bent for leather to redefine what was possible. For Moore and Miller, it was how far you could push the envelope of acceptability. For Smith, it was redefining tropes in new and exciting ways. Kurtzman, Pekar and Gonnick all wanted to talk about things that facinated them: Gonnick was a history buff, Kurtzman was fascinated with the big war, while Pekar was basically a vicarious narcissus, pouring his soul onto the paper while others illustrated it for him.
Then something happened that nobody saw coming - mainstream comic book publishers took notice. They realized that this "new" form was attracting eyeballs. They wanted a piece of the pie, and they went after it with gusto, but on their terms. Thus the comic giant DC went through a re-birthing process - Alan Moore created The Watchmen while Frank Miller released The Dark Knight Returns. Watchmen was originally issued as monthly installments, then collected into book form after the series had run. Dark Knight was released as a book from the get go. Both redefined what it was to be a superhero. Up until that time, superheroes were moral, upstanding members of society who chased around crazy, yet ultimately benign villains who seemed more interested in trying to embarrass the hero than trying to act true to themselves.
After these two books, everyone began to look at superheroes differently. Gone were the days of straight black and white good and bad roles. Instead, there were only varying shades of gray. Batman now worked off of fear and superstition of his opponents. His villains were truly crazy, inscrutable, evil or any combination of the three. Superman was no longer the "boyscout", but was now willing to take some risks to eliminate the greatest threat. His opponents began to play for keeps, with the stakes only being the destruction of the entire world if not the universe.
Another thing that graphic novels were able to do that comics were long loathe to step away from was the superhero genre. Graphic novels were about people or experiences that normal people suffered through. The plots were ones that people could relate to. Honestly, it's difficult to relate to a incredibly cut alien flying around in spandex who can look at your underwear whenever he wants to.
Graphic novels hit close to home - they talked about things that comic books couldn't (or wouldn't) address. Even if comics address those issues, they would treat it like those torturous worst case scenario shows they used to show in the 1980's - y'know, the AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL. where they would either gloss over it, or spin it so that whomever was engaging in non-acceptable behavior basically got what was coming to them. Graphic novels were just the opposite. Not only did they not ignore the issue, they would sniff it, realize it smelled horrible, roll around in it, and then make a big deal about it afterwards.
I suppose ultimately, that is what makes graphic novels so enticing. There is a sense of taboo and voyeuristic intrigue that pulls people in. There is something immediate about a graphic novel that demands your attention.
However, that is not the point of the question above - This long, rambling explanation was needing to be put down so that I could get to this point: Graphic novels are excellent tools for reluctant readers. There are five major points to that statement:
1) Graphic novels are not straight prose. Reluctant readers are readers (usually pre-teens to teens) that never got into reading. It could be that they cannot easily visualize what is written, or they've got a learning disability (dyslexia is a perfect example) that makes it difficult for them to read. The simple fact of the matter is this: next time you go to read a book, take a look at the construction of the book. 300+ pages, 25 - 30 lines per page, all those black marks on the page that tell a story. For someone who is not a good reader, they don't see the story, they see a struggle to understand what is being said.
2) Graphic novels are not 'picture books'. So called 'Picture books' are basically just that - static pictures with text below it to explain what the picture is. The picture does nothing to move the story along, it just illustrates what the text is saying. The picture can work independently of the text, and vice versa. While something a reluctant reader may be interested in, the stigma of being 14 and reading 'kid's books' can be quite traumatic.
3) Graphic novels have an 'edge'. Most reluctant readers want to be known by something they do, or something they are. They definitely do not want to be known for what they cannot do. By reading graphic novels, not only are they honing their reading and processing skills, they're showing the world that they are not reading 'mainstream' works. They're living outside of the status quo.
4) Graphic novels are more accessible. By combining both pictures and text together, it allows reluctant readers to better understand reading and writing conventions. Speech balloons are tied to the speaking person. When there is action in the story, it is shown on the page. From a simple wink to a thrown fist, the reluctant reader begins to understand and mentally visualize the action.
5) Graphic novels simplify things. In a prose novel, it can take up to 30 pages to explain a fight scene - more if you're really into detail. Regardless of how well you write a fight scene, a reluctant reader is going to probably put your story down and find something easier to read - say the back of the cereal box (if you can even get them interested enough to read the box). In a graphic novel, the pictures tell the story about the same fight, often in as little as a page. By condensing the action down to a series of sequential images, it makes the subject much more accessible to one who may have not looked at it otherwise.
In the end, graphic novels are a great "gateway" to reading. It creates a sort of friendly, yet non-patronizing environment that a reluctant reader will find inviting, and will want to continue to follow. Eventually, this reluctant reader may strike out on his or her own and decide that it is time to tackle something without pictures.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Writing Experiment 3

Prayer, Does it work? Faith vs. Fate

First, a caveat... I will do my level best to remain as neutral as possible in the following post, as my belief system differs from most other peoples. This will also be the first 'serious' piece of hour writing, so please bear with me if this seems a bit disjointed.

A brief primer: Faith is a set of principles or beliefs. Fate is an outcome. I don't think I can put that any more succinct than that. I also borrowed that verbatim from Hector Callejas, in a speech he presented about one leading to the other.

Truth be told, I think Mr. Callejas nailed it on the head. It's not a question of Faith vs. fate - the two are not mutually exclusive. If you believe in something strongly enough, you will ascribe it effects, events or outcomes that become pre-determined - i.e. fate. The best example of this is "It's God's will." Maybe it is... perhaps there is some ultimate power out there watching over us all, pulling a string here, nudging a body there, falling into some ultimate plan.
Now prayer - prayer falls into the whole concept of faith. For if you believe in something strongly enough (or, for most test taking children, desperate enough) you will offer up supplications to your belief structure. We as humans are rational creatures who act in completely irrational ways.
We are people who say "show me the money" or "I'll believe it when I see it". Two statements that just scream logical thinking. However, we willingly believe in some omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient being (or beings, as the case may be). This is not rational behavior; and it is directly because of this "irrational" behavior that allow us to believe that prayer works.
If there is a horrible accident, people begin to pray and offer up prayers to our various gods or focal points. If people survive, we then say that our prayers were answered. If people do not survive, we then rationalize that it was god's will. Either way, we are applying an irrational idea in reaction to something beyond our control.
Now faith is something that you just cannot prove, nor can you disprove it. Much like the "Law" of gravity, there is a lot of empirical evidence that it exists. But, there has not been anything that has been able to disprove it yet. Over the years, we have come to believe that this "law" is immutable - simply because we have not devised an experiment that will conclusively disprove the law. Faith on the other hand, is not something you can test in a physical sense - not like gravity.
Faith is not something you can throw off a large tower to see if it will fall to the ground. Faith is tested more in the realm of the mind - it is something that has to be tested through logic and deduction - testing it in various hypothetical events. Unfortunately, testing something hypothetically is not the same a testing it physically. You can't prove that you can levitate by belief alone, and I think ultimately, that is the crux of the matter.
Prayer/Faith cannot be proven or dis-proven without first making it concrete and tangible - which is a physical impossibility. Even if we were able to do such a thing, how would we even begin to test it? The simple fact of the matter is this: Prayer works if you want it to. It falls back to the maxim "If you want it bad enough, you will get it."
My feelings on this? Everyone prays. Sooner or later, everyone prays at least once in their lives. Does that make them any better or worse than anyone else? I'll leave that up to you.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Robert, I hate you... AKA Writing experiment day 2

Midget Lesbian neo-Nazis and the Men Who Love Them

Host: "Today we interview Midget lesbian neo-Nazis and the men who love them. After these messages, we'll get right into the thick of it."
Announcer: "We'll be back to The Varg Discussions after these messages."

Announcer: "Now back to The Varg Discussions with your host Vaaaaaaarg Viiiiikeeeeeerneesssssss!>peppy background music plays<
Varg: >stomps onto stage with microphone in hand, painted up in death metal colors< TURN THAT SH*T OFF! >music cuts out abruptly< ALRIGHT YOU MUTANTS, MY NAME IS VARG VIKERNES AND YOU ARE ALL PUKES!
Crowd: >whistles, hollers, yells<
Varg: >Glares at the camera< Now today, all of my guests have something in common. Not only are they neo-nazis >Throws devil horns hand sign<, but... they are also midgets... >throws devil horns again< and... they're LESBIANS! F*CK YEAH! >Head Bangs for a minute< Also, we've got the panty-waste puke douche-bags that love them. >Flips the bird<
>stomps across the stage<
Now my first guest is an anti-Semitic little tart who ended up single-handedly firebombing a synagogue while making love to a one-legged circus performer and spray-painting swastikas on a group of bound and shaved rabbis. Please give a totally brutal welcome to Adolphina Metzger!
Crowd: >wolf whistles, yells<
Adolphina: Heil Varg!
Varg: Heil Herr Metzger. So tell us a little bit about yourself...
Adolphina: I have always loved women, from when I was a little girl who would wander through secret mass graves, I always found the female form so sensual. I especially like the way the firelight from a synagogue plays across the naked curves of a woman's body as we join together in an erotic display for the fourth Reich. I do not like jews, blacks, protestants, communists, gypsies or any inferior races. I do however have a weakness for handicapped women.
Varg: You have an admirer, do you not?
Adolphina: >gets serious< Yes... he is some dumkopf who I met at a book burning several years ago. He just happened to have a copy of a filthy jew's book by the name of Angela's Ashes - which was based on a bunch of lies that the United States perpetrated after the Fatherland was defeated. I pointed out to him that I despised that book and he made a bad joke about fires and ashes. Being polite, I laughed.
Varg: Well, let's invite this garbage out here. >looks at card< no F*CKING WAY! >looks off screen< ar- ar- are you serious? >drops head for a moment< Alright.... HERE'S ØYSTEIN AARSETH!
>Aarseth walks onto stage looking meek<
Aarseth: Hi Varg...
Varg: F*ck you! What the hell do you have to say for yourself? Huh?
Aarseth: >looks at Adolphina< Adolphina... I love you... I can give you everything... I want to be with y-
Adolphina: Look you non-aryan pile of sh*t, I told you before, you have nothing that I want!
Aarseth: I'll renounce my heritage!
Varg: What? What do you mean by that?
Aarseth: I''m Jewish!
Varg: >Howls unintelligably and grabs a knife< YOU BASTARD!!!!! >Charges at Aarseth with knife<

Announcer: We'll be back to the show after Varg gets out of prison.... again

Monday, November 30, 2009

The Muppet Zombie Movie

Soooo.... Here's the first blog of my experiment. Figures it would be something that is insanely difficult, but combining two of my favorite things: Muppets and Zombies.

The Great Muppet Zombie Movie

Movie begins as Kermit and Scooter are backstage at the Muppet Show, watching the latest act on stage. On stage, Fozzie is attempting to use a very sick Beauregard (the Janitor) as a straight man. As the skit gets worse, Beauregard attacks Fozzie and bites him.
Freaking out, Kermit and Scooter drop the curtain and rush out to try and help Fozzie. Beauregard tries to bite Kermit and in the process gets impaled on his mop. Scooter and Kermit get Fozzie back to a dressing room and call a doctor. Dr. Bob (Rolf) appears with his Nurse (Janice). Cracking jokes about Fozzie's career dying - Fozzie dies, only to come back mid-joke and attacking Dr. Bob. The nurse and Scooter freak out and run out of the room, leaving Kermit to face Zombie Fozzie.
Janice and Scooter race back out to the orchestra pit and talk to Dr. Teeth and the rest of Electric Mayhem. Retreating into an understage storage area, Dr. Teeth and Floyd reveal that Beauregard and Fozzie have become zombies due to tampering with contaminated felt by Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. His original experiment escaped, and attacked Beauregard. Floyd was unable to prevent Beauregard from getting infected, but was able to take out Beaker before he could infect anyone else. In the ensuing battle, Beauregard escaped, saying he was going to clean out the wound with bleach.
While discussing the situation, Beauregard (with mop still attached) attacks, only to be tackled and torn apart by Animal. Dr. Teeth, Zoot, Floyd, Scooter and Janice flee the battle, grabbing assorted musical instruments on their way out. Climbing back up on stage, The group discusses possible ways out of the theater, only to be interrupted by Waldorf and Statler - the two old grumps in the balcony.
In between witty repartee, Waldorf and Statler explain that if they want the Zombie scourge to end, they must destroy all of the zombies and Honeydew's lab. Statler is then attacked by Precious while Waldorf looks on and makes snarky comments about the attack.
Not wanting to stick around and see the aftermath, the gang flees to backstage right. Many one liners and sight gags later, Zoot takes a breather and is attacked by a Zombie Animal who is in turn beaten to death by Floyd with a Guitar. Zoot mimes that he is a dead man, and takes off with, playing a dirge on his saxophone. Dr. Teeth makes a poignant, yet smartass comment about Zoot's character.
In the meantime, Janice and Scooter have fallen for each other, and sneak off a little ways to make out. In the process, Janice is attacked by Lew Zealand, the boomerang fish thrower. As Scooter watches helplessly, Janice is bitten, and Scooter is injured by boomerang fish. Fleeing back to the safety of the group, Scooter explains what happened with Floyd and Dr. Teeth offering zingers.
As the group gets closer to Honeydew's lab, they start fighting off more zombie muppets - some getting closer and closer to biting or grabbing our heroes. In a climactic moment, Dr. Teeth and Floyd whack each other accidentally, allowing them to be attacked by the zombies. Scooter limps away from the fray and finds the door to Honeydew's lab.
Rushing into the lab, Scooter manages to bar the door, breathing a sigh of relief and closing his eyes. A voice shakes him out of his revere and he opens his eyes to see Honeydew standing there, explaining that he is not the villain - he was forced to tamper with contaminated felt in order to prevent the real villain from yanking his funding. Right before Honeydew can tell Scooter who the villain is, he blows up as one of his experiments backfires. The Count steps out of the shadows saying "One! One Dead Scientist! Ah! Ah! Ah!"
Scooter is stunned and stutters for a minute until the count cuts him off. The Count explains that he was tired of Sesame Street, and had wanted something new to count. If he also managed to take over the neighborhood, all the better. After making a few calls, he discovered that Honeydew had discovered a way to reanimate dead fabric. The Count, already a dead being, figured that a zombie army would be a great way to liven up Sesame Street and threatened to pull Honeydew's funding if he did not assist the Count in his scheme. Not realizing that the Count didn't fund him at all, Honeydew did what he was told.
As the count stalks closer to Scooter, another voice comes out of the darkness. Kermit steps out of the shadows as well, explaining that he will stop the Count and put an end to this nightmare, only to have the Count burst out laughing. Kermit begins to laugh as well, and Scooter looks on aghast. Kermit explains that the Count originally approached him about talking with Honeydew, but Kermit came up with the idea of cutting funding in exchange for a compliant (and wage free) cast as well as the deed to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit and the Count close in on Scooter and it looks like the villains will win, when suddenly, the news anchor walk up, sits down at a conveniently placed desk, and reads off the news: "Local anchors being attacked by falling whales".
A giant sperm whale lands on the news anchor killing him as well as the Count and Kermit. In the aftermath, Scooter clambers out of the rubble. The movie ends with a silhouette of Scooter standing on top of the wreckage that was the Muppet Theater.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

A Musing on Zombies

So a few weeks ago, I saw the movie "Zombieland" and I've got to say... it sucked horribly. Obviously, I'm in the minority here, if IMDB ratings are anything to go by. However, the movie did get me thinking about what are the things that I feel should be canon regarding zombies. So with out further ado,

Nathan's Canon on Zombies:

1. Zombies are not romantic.
- Unlike vampires, werewolves, frankenstein type monsters, etc. there is no way to romanticize a zombie. I mean, we're talking various shades of necrophilia, and there is nothing sexy about that. bleagh....

2. Zombies do not have a specific weakness.
- Vampires have sunlight, Werewolves have silver, fire is also a good neutralizer regarding monsters. Zombies not only have to deal with armed victims, but also time itself. You let a zombie go long enough, it's liable to just fall apart, like leprosy on overdrive.

3. Zombies are not smart.
- Lately zombies seem to be "smart" or at least show an intelligence that belies a tactical prowess. This should not be possible, as a) as the infection courses through a victims body, bodily functions begin to shut down. b) Zombies have been traditionally portrayed as "mindless", basically following the basest instinct - hunger.

4. Zombies are slow.
- A disturbing trend that has appeared in zombie movies over the past few years is that of the fast zombie. I first witnessed this in "28 Days Later" - while not "traditional" zombies, the storyline did support the concept of a fast zombie. However, other movies - especially "Zombieland" abused the concept. There are caveats to Rule 4 that I will cover below.

5. Zombies are metaphor.
- Zombies represent what we always accuse our fellow ma of being - a mindless, lethargic, creature controlled by base instinct. Zombies should not be paraded out like cobra commandos, or nameless extras in a James Bond Villain's army. They need to stand for something, or they become basic moving target practice.

6. Zombie origins depend on the background of the movie.
- "The Serpent and the Rainbow" dealt with zombies through voodoo. "28 Days Later" and "Resident Evil" dealt with viral strains. "Night of the Living Dead" used interstellar radiation. Keep the origin tied into the overall theme of the movie, or don't mention it at all.

7. Zombies do not crave brains.
- A common misconception is that zombies must have brains to survive. This is not true. Zombies hunger for human flesh, not just the brains.


1. Parody will throw any and all of these conventions out the window. If it's a comedy, these rules will either apply or not.

2. While zombies are not immortal, they're not going to go down without a fight. Even when a zombie has decomposed to nothing much more than a torso pulling itself along the ground by it's teeth, it's still dangerous.

3. Zombies are not smart, but when first infected, the original intelligence still remains. The longer a zombie is around, the more intelligence it loses, until it is nothing much more than a mindless eating machine.

4. Zombie speed. Like #3 above, once a victim has first "turned" they retain much of their original speed they once had. As they putrefy and rot, they slow down. When you've got a zombie apocalypse that occurred more than six months ago, and the undead are still pulling out 3 minute miles, you're not facing off against zombies, you're facing off against bad writing.

5. Metaphor. See rule one.

6. Origin of virus. yeah... I've got nothing.

7. Brains. If you want your zombie to crave brains, hey, more power to ya, but it seems like a waste of time to try and chew through the skull.


A very special thanks to George Romero, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, and the FVAZA (Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency) located at htpp://

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Terrible story excerpt

This was a little bit of a goofy story idea I got from a discussion with a friend of mine: we were talking about how even if we were writing stuff that had kittens and rainbows we would still be freaked out because it's something we wrote. My friend likes to write in the dark, sexual realm, and I made a crack about Dark, Sexual, Rainbow Kittens... needless to say, what follows sprang from that.
Warning! What follows is lowest common denominator pot boiler with no editing, plot or consideration of taste. At the very least, it should be considered disturbing. I understand that, so please don't contact me with stuff like "Jesus! What the hell kinda sick freak are you?"

"But you just shot my husband!" Miss Fluffykins yowled as the polychromatic tom prowled closer to her.
"He was going to murder you for your tuna empire, I had to do something." the strange multicolored cat replied.
"Well, I must find some way to thank you," Miss Fluffykins explained demurely as she lifted her tail, presenting her posterior for the tom's inspection.
As he stepped closer to sniff, he could smell her heat. Deep in his chest, a primal growl, long dormant, slowly worked its way up his throat. Looking back over her shoulder, Miss Fluffykins batted half-lidded eyes and lowered herself onto her forepaws, presenting herself. The rainbow tom could feel himself engorging, his hairy member gliding from its sheath. Instinct took over as he mounted her, pressing his advantage.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Well, that was interesting

So, I just got finished watching Zombieland and I've got to say... don't waste your time.

What starts out as an extremely promising set up with the humor and the on screen reiterations of the rules quickly degenerates into periods of awkward and boring stretches of film where the main character waffles and basically lets his co-stars flatten him in their efforts to infuse any sort of entertainment into the film.
Jesse Eisenberg, who plays Columbus, is a nervous, whiny, spineless simp of a main character who has managed to survive the zombie apocalypse through his "rules" (and a huge helping dose of plot requirement) of survival. After a run in with several hungry zombies, Columbus manages to hitch a ride with another loner - Tallahassee (played by Woody Harelson in a role reminiscient of Natural Born Killers), a pseudo-redneck balls-to-the-wall maniac who is on a quest to find the last twinkie.
Through their travels, they meet two young ladies, sisters, by the names of Wichita and Little Rock (Emma Stone and Abigale Breslan, respectively) who con the boys out of their wheels and weapons.
Needless to say, Columbus falls in love with Wichita, and the fun is over. What goes forth is a slow, plodding, sometimes painful experiment in neo-Woody Allen insecurity without the humor.
Eisenberg and Stone may be incredible actors, but you would never tell from this movie. The whole point of being lead characters is to be as engaging, occasionally as entertaining as the co-stars. Usually, the co-stars are over the top in order to shore up a lack of character development, but under no circumstances are the co-stars or supporting actors to present a more commanding presence than the main characters. For most of the movie, you couldn't even tell that Eisenberg or Stone were even in the picture - especially if Breslan, Harelson or Bill Murray in a 10 minute cameo that overrode everyone in the movie, are sharing the screen with them.
Final rating?

Don't pay full price to see Zombieland. In fact, don't catch it on a matinee either. I would even caution against renting this when it comes out on DVD. In fact, Zombieland is probably one of the best arguments I have heard in a long time for bringing back the long defunct USA cable network station for its USA Up-All Nite programming. Then, I would suggest watching it, but only if you have absolutely nothing better to do.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Quick update

You ever just hating the entire world, and want to crawl up into your head, but are too fuckin' scared to do that because you're afraid of what you're going to find up there?
Yeah, I'm there.

Friday, June 5, 2009

NSFW - 18+ plz!

Lately, I've discovered a couple of websites that are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay the hell out in left field, and with these websites, comes a whole new lexicon. So as a new feature of this blog, from time to time, I'll report on some of these words, phrases, in-jokes or memes.
The title of this blog post for example is webspeak that operates not only as a caveat, but also a warning: NSFW = Not Safe For Work.
Any time you see NSFW, you can expect either nudity, raw language easily read from five feet away, or something completely improper. This post would probably rate a NSFW siply due to the fact that it discusses some memes or phrases that you don't want your boss reading over your shoulder.

That being said:

Two sites that are notorious for phrases:
You remember those absolutely annoying posters from the 90's; the ones that had a black background with some general photo with a word underneath it and a basic description of that word?
This is the anti-thesis of those posters. Some is brilliant, some is stupid, some makes you say WTF?, some make you say OMFG, some will make you want to puke, others will make you want to call child protective services. I don't care if you're offended by it, I don't care if you don't get it, I don't care if you think it's sacreligeous. I think it's F'ing hilarious.

uh, yeah.... what ever you do, stay the F away from /b/.
Seriously... don't go to /b/.
This is your last warning..... you go to /b/ I cannot be held responsible for what it does to you.
You stupid asshat.... you looked.... didn't you. You've only got yourself to blame.

Alright.... so you may have seen some weird phrases or words above.... time to break it down for you.

WTF? - standard response to something that doesn't make sense. For example:
User 1: so there I was, talking to her, and this dude comes up and kicks me in the balls.
User 2: I shaved a goat with my teeth.
User 1: WTF?

WTF is a truncated form of What The Fuck?

OMFG/OMG - standard exclamation denoting suprise or shock. For Example:
[Picture of squirrels fighting with lightsabers]
User 1: OMG that is soooo cool!
User 2: OMFG User 1 is such a noob!

OMG is a truncated form of Oh My God.
OMFG - the 'F' doesn't stand for 'fun'

F is when you want to emphasize something, but you're too embarassed to actually say the word. Example:
User 1: F the world!
User 2: STFU you whiny, emo douche who is too afraid to drop a full f-bomb!

F is still not short for 'fun'

/b/ is the proper title of a group on - I kid you not, it will curve your spine, melt your brain, and make you question not only your sexuality, but also your faith in humanity. Example:
User 1: man, i just fapped the craziest shit from /b/. I kid you not man, school bus porn!
User 2:

/b/ is the directory name of 'random' at (for the love of god, if you haven't checked it out yet.... burn your fucking computer!)

Asshat is an adjective that became super popular for approximately 10 minutes back in the early '00s - but completely lost all credibility when it was used on an episode of Gilmore Girls or some stupid show on the CW.

Well, that's all I've got for now - next time (If I remember) I'll discuss such things as: Fail, Moar, and if you're really lucky.... cats and masturbation.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Wow, has it been that long?

So I finally got around to getting back on here, and I realized that the last time I posted was exactly one month ago.
Again, no body took my survey, so I'm gonna take a bye on this one for the time being - now onto the updates:

- Went and saw the new Star Trek movie: holy crow.... that will require a complete entry in and of itself.
- Finished my first month of a new department: learning lots, injuring myself in the process (lifting restrictions, physical therapy)
- Managed to hit 50 pages in my book! w00t! only 250 pages to go!
- gotta turn in a review of World War Z to an online magazine by the 12th.
- Random observation(s): Conan needs some work, Jimmy still sucks, and Anne Hathaway is really kind of a putz.

I'm sure there's other things out there that I'm forgetting, but for the time being, I'll leave you with this admonition:

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Wolverine Review

So, today was big stinks birthday, and as is becoming custom, I took him to see a movie for his birthday. Last year was Ironman (excellent movie BTW). This year was X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Warning! Spoilers ahead!

So, we go to the movie, and we're sitting there watching the previews...
Good Previews:
9 - CGI-fest of some sort of knitted homununculous sort of thing trying to save the world.
Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen - 'Nother CGI-fest. Of course this is against my better judgement.
Terminator: Salvation - what the hell? Yet another CGI-fest... I think it was the Nine Inch Nails "The Day the Whole World Went Away"
Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs - Again with the damn CGI! This one has Poor Scrat falling(literally!) for a Female Squirrel.
Not So Much Previews:
TheTaking of Pelham 123 - I don't know, I think the whole "Travolta as a Bad Guy" is getting a little old. Alright already! We get it! you can play a slimeball! Must be drawing from his religion.

Anyways... Here is a spoiler free version of the movie:

Turns out Wolverine has always had the claws - he has many adventures, suffers through bad times, enjoys good, and becomes the lovable bad-ass we all admire.
The End.

Spoiler Laden Review (Last Warning!)

So we find out that not only is Logan older than dirt (literally! he starts out as a kid of like 8 in the 1700's), he also has a brother... none other than Victor Creed! A.k.a. Sabretooth!
Turns out that Victor's dad also slept with Logan's mom, and she passed logan off as her husband's child. The opening credits show us Victor and Logan fighting through the Revolutionary War, the Civil War, WWI, WWII, and Vietnam. After Victor kills a commanding officer and Logan jumps in to protect him, they face a firing squad, only to seusequently be recruited by William Stryker to form a team of mutants who are hunting down a new material called adamantium.
They trace the source back to some African town where Victor goes nuts, starts killing people, and Logan calls it quits, flees to Canada and becomes a lumberjack. After several years, Victor sets out to start killing his old crew, and tracks down Logan. Instead of killing him however, he kills Logan's Girlfriend - setting into motion a chain of events that Causes Logan to cross paths with Stryker.
Stryker now has enough adamantium to attempt a full body adamantium graft to Logan's skeletal structure. The procedure is a success, Stryker tries to doublecross Wolverine, we get a naked Hugh Jackman rampaging around, and an escape by waterfall.
Logan is then taken in by a nice older couple who own a farm. Fortunately for Logan (and an easy plot device) The old man is a motorcycle nut who has a bike in his barn, basically screaming for Logan to ride it. Agent Zero, one of Logan's old crew shoots the farmer and his wife in an attempt to pin it on Logan to justify using (excessively) lethal force.
Logan escapes, and begins the quest to hunt down Victor. In the process, he runs into two of his old teammates: John Wraith and the Blob. After a rediculous fight between Logan and the Blob, Wraith and Logan travel to New Orleans to find a street hustler by the name of Remy LeBeau, A.k.a. Gambit.
Logan Goads Gambit into revealing where the secret lab is, Wraith is killed by Victor, and right when Logan has Victor in a position to die, Gambit shows up and allows Victor to escape. Logan uses some fairly lame psychology to talk Gambit into taking him to the lab (conveniently located under Three Mile Island), where Stryker has been stealing DNA from mutants to create a supersoldier sort of killing machine by the name of Weapon Eleven (Logan's being Weapon X... the roman numeral ten).
Logan makes it to the lab, only to find out his dead girlfriend isn't dead. She was part of a plan to lure Logan into a trap so they could get his DNA, but it's o.k. because they still love each other. Logan frees a bunch of mutants with the help of his girlfriend and Gambit, and then faces off against weapon eleven.
During the climactic fight, Victor shows up, and the two of them proceed to get the shit knocked out of them by this uber-mutant until the Dramatically appropriate time when Logan manages to behead the erstwhile weapon eleven. Victor takes off, and Logan attempts to flee, only to find his girlfriend in bad shape (she having been shot earlier during the prison break). As he's carrying her out of the battleground, Stryker shows up and shoots Wolverine with Adamantium Bullets - three or four to the torso, two to the head.
Stryker goes to kill the girlfriend, but she uses her mutant ability to forcehim to jsut walk away, and then she dies. Logan wakes up with complete amnesia of the entire incident, not even recognizing his old lover, and takes off to parts unknown while Professor X makes a cameo, inviting many of the young mutants to hsi school for gifted children.

On the whole, I thought it wasn't all that bad of a movie - sure it was nowhere near as cool as Ironman, but it held together alot better than, say, X2.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Poll Results

Well, I can tell that my first poll was a ragin success, with a total of ZERO results, so I guess I get to chose what the first post will be.

Twitter Reposts - Here goes!

#ZombieTalk It's a 100 miles to Chicago, We've got a full tank of gas, Half a cooler of Brains, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.

# Chrysler to be zombified by end of 3rd quarter states local mad scientist.

# RT @LostZombies: #ZombieTalk "A Mind is a horrible thing to waste" no, no, a mind is a terrible thing to TASTE. (unless yer a zombie)

# #zombietalk If I was in a cab with a zombie driver: Where can I get a bite to eat?

# #Zombietalk You wanna chew? Chew on this! (shoves shotgun into Zombie's mouth)

# @LostZombies oh, right... right.... forgot about that....

# @LostZombies tomorrow's the walk?

# #Zombietalk "Suck on this!"

# @Agent_M which is?

# @Agent_M how about 10 years down the road from the apocalypse? has humanity survived? has a cure been found? is everyone dead?

# @talkingdigital you are an evil, wicked man... damn unicorns.... lol

# @levarburton loving the new avatar pic! ya look good!

# I wuz on Tv today! no mention of zombies tho'. damn them!

# @pvponline just 4 that, i'll get out the spoon.... & then watch the movie: If U're rt, I'll nom sum ice cream instead of my eyes.

# @pvponline Dude, I've gotta give you props for that - personally, I'd rather gouge my eyes out.

# @ThatKevinSmith it's because you're not there in person, rootin' them on. They need your fat ass in that seat, forcing them to win!

# @greggrunberg wtf? Missed the last ep... you comin' back?

# @LostZombies Lots 'o luv, I'll be there. Make it challenging!

# @mjkeenan Grand Junction/Mesa Theater & Club?

# #MFZARMonday : Damn Kids!

# RT @LostZombies: RT @poptrashmusic: What's in it for the rest of us?

# #MFZARMonday : Me - It would be much better than this shit day I've had.

# w00t! Best ending ever! "Guys, I know Kung-Fu!"

# gettin' schmaltzy about my dad\ -

# #MFZARMonday : people that try to be cute or witty by using clichéd or pithy sayings when they have no idea what it actually means.

# @ThatKevinSmith G'night U magnificent Bastard... Just once, a tweet back wld be nice, but celebrity trumps courtesy. Still worship ya!

# Obama and the antichrist: A (slightly lopsided) comparison

# @ThatKevinSmith Don't worry about the 50yr old douche, you just keep workin' your magic Kev!

# @wilw WTF? you goin' Zombie on that pizza?

# @chriscornell dude! That imagery is.... so fuckin' poetic! I love it!

# #MFZARMonday .... just getting that out there

# w00t! just found my book of manufactured headlines! back in bidness!

# @LostZombies lol aaaagh! I was infected by a naked mole rat!

# @LostZombies I would have to say a chimp... blame 28 days later.

# @skottieyoung thanks for the tips!

# @Agent_M Tell her it's for research

# #Zombietalk Bullet in your head by Rage against the Machine

# lol buttockal area

# @LostZombies cute lil' animated gif

# @LostZombies you're not?

# oops so

# @LostZombies check it out, but not reply to them unless is is some face meltingly awesome

# RT @LostZombies: For those that missed the update, #MFZARMonday Finalists. Tweet your fav here. PLS ReTweet8:53 PM Apr 21st from TweetDeck

# @alyankovic does this mean new album soon?

# @wilw That's it wil, you tell show that tasty sumbitch who's boss!

# @neilhimself hahahaha, thanks Neil, that made my day.

# @levarburton oh you lucky bastard! I would give my left hand to be there with you guys.

# #ZombiePetName: Shaun

# RT @LostZombies: RT @JC_photography: RT @LostZombies: zombie mmmmm tasty! are those appetizers in his lap?

# rt @LostZombies: UR a Finalist for #MFZARMonday. Tell UR friends to vote for you . @Lankylurkr plz vote!

# #MFZARMonday the fact that we keep throwing that hash tag out there, it's not trending

# RT @LostZombies: 3 Objectives for the LZ Scrp Bk: RT Pls #MFZARMonday

# rt @ronpurtee #MFZARMonday People who are proud about shopping at Hot Topic. You know, cuz their friends do.

# #MFZARMonday Baseball bat, cell phone, New car, Enough food to last for a while, and a gun (in case I can't fight anymore)

# #MFZARMonday Working on it chief!

# #MFZARMonday #MFZARMonday #MFZARMonday #MFZARMonday #MFZARMonday #MFZARMonday #MFZARMonday #MFZARMonday #MFZARMonday #MFZARMonday

# Spam coming up

# #MFZARMonday Folks who think they can fight zombies bare handed.

# if we spammed #MFZARMonday continually, would it cause it to trend?

# #MFZARMonday Bob Saget... 'nuff said

61. @wilw dude, I saw that shirt, it was epic.

62. #MFZARMonday Jackasses that feel like they have to compete with @LostZombies on #MFZARMonday tweets (Guilty!)

63. #MFZARMonday People who text at stoplights when they're green

64. #MFZARMonday Mail-in rebates that take six months for them to get back to you only to find out that you don't meet the requirements.

65. #MFZARMonday People who talk about their cats for hours on end, simply because they have nothing better to do.

66. WTF!? Missed Chuck last week, now all cunfuzed7:01 PM Apr 20th from TweetDeck

67. #MFZAR Any tv personality that tries to be overly cute

68. #MFZAR People who pull out right in front of you, and then drive 20 miles *under* the speed limit

69. @LostZombies damnit, not wetweet, wefollow... stupid, stupid zombie fingers

70. @LostZombies Hey, I joined wetweet

71. Just added myself to the twitter directory under: #Zombie #Writer #Dumbass

72. RT @braedan51: The zombie apoclyps is hre, rd 1 man's struggle. (if U lk it, retweet ths) #MFZARMonday

73. #MFZARMonday Coworkers that come into work, cop an attitude, and exude bourbon from every pore.

74. RT @Agent_M: w00t, Maynard James Keenan (Tool, A Perfect Circle, Puscifer) is on Twitter --> @mjkeenan [Yeah!]

75. @neilhimself I was the guy w/ the denim jacket covered in graphic novel characters

76. @neilhimself ths is the 2nd time U've suggested something that has totally blown my mind. the 1st was in GA w/ Abarat at the ALA Pre-con

77. RT @JINX: Giving away just RT in the next two hours. We'll randomly select the winner. J!NX EXXXXXTREME!

78. lol new mac vs. pc commercial! awesome!

79. @ThatKevinSmith @Neilhimself @chriscornell @wilw I am really proud of this, finally some validation for my writing!

80. @chriscornell you running with gazelles?

81. @chriscornell feel free to vent your spleen at any time @lankylurkr

82. @ThatKevinSmith It's peanut butter jelly time!

83. hahahahha! This is so stupid.

84. @LostZombies howabout Survival tips? #StayAliveSaturday

85. checkin' out cinemageddon for zombie stuff #StayAliveSaturday

86. Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg. does it sound like someone's choking whilst giving head?

87. @chriscornell Yes, absolutely

88. @chriscornell You have to ask? Of course, especially if it was someone I was close to.

89. @ThatKevinSmith don't know why we do it, but I've ruined more fucks w/wife cuz over thinking.

90. New lost zombies blogpost #lostzombies still rough draft, plan on handwriting all this when done.

91. @ThatKevinSmith Nah, I think it was because you'll laugh about this

92. @ThatKevinSmith waitaminute, I thought you were at a boxing match!

93. @Agent_M Not a resturaunt, but if you want some1 to shut up for a bit

94. @pvponline damn straight. Without you, I'd be a total wreck.

95. Rough draft posting of journal entries 4 #lostzombies. Exciting, but not book related. Gotta focus, work on book 2morrow

96. @skottieyoung lookin' good!

97. @thewoodrow they rored thr trrbl rors, n nashd thr trrbl teeth, n rolld trrbl ies, n shwd trbbl clws

98. @ThatKevinSmith don't say that! it just begs for trouble!

99. @Agent_M stay strong! @badcoverversion is counting on you.

100. @Agent_M WWF and Clue? ask him if he's still living in his mom's basement

101. @Agent_M Tell him he's dripping, make sure it's loud enough for the gal to hear

102. @chriscornell *shrimp, my bad

103. @chriscornell is that prawn as in shrip? or pr0n as in naughty pictures?

104. RT @pvponline: RT #AmberAlert DENVER Comic creator's 14 yr old niece missing: ALTERNATE WEBSITE MIRROR Please RT

105. @Paidion been thinkin' about the tehsaurus. perhaps a online netspeak guide?

106. Wow, sux 2 be Carl's Jr.

107. @JINX four

108. RT @JINX: This article ends with "We want to arrest the snake" Law enforcement fail. Naw, Engrish fail.

109. "America Gets Teabagged"

110. @pvponline Apparently Mel Gibson doesn't have enough

111. @Paidion don't doubt... cook!

112. @chriscornell amen to that brother... you ever think about doin' small venues?

113. @ThatKevinSmith just finished Zach & Miri. It was gd. Could have gone another 34 years w/out seeing Jason's junk tho. Justin is a riot!

114. Axle Breaker #badnamesfomonstertrucks

115. Grave Tripper #badnamesfomonstertrucks

116. Hemmoroid Hill Blues #badnamesfomonstertrucks

117. Ass Master #badnamesfomonstertrucks

118. Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers #badnamesfomonstertrucks

119. @Paidion how about stunning? breathtaking? captivating?

120. @Paidion gotta love teh thesaurus

121. @Paidion acknowledgeable, notable, noticeable, recognizable

122. #neilwebfail I have to admit, it seems that even in killing websites, Neil makes it sound so cool.

123. #neilwebfail Apparently, even a grandmaster of fiction can have an off day. Neil's killed aprx. 3 websites via twitter today.

124. @Agent_M Quizno's torpedo coupon

125. @wilw plastic package Wil: Damn.. fail.

126. @alyankovic Easter eggs plus blasphemy stopped by apathy -

127. @Paidion madness, or genius? hmmm.....

128. RT @Lankylurkr: Easter eggs plus blasphemy stopped by apathy - #Easter #eggs @neilhimself @thatkevinsmith

129. Easter eggs plus blasphemy stopped by apathy -

130. @genrelibrarian Go to bed mom, you've had a long day.

131. Promised Easter Pics. Blog to follow.

132. Some Easter pics l8r (aftr wurk) got some nifty ones.

133. g'night all you magnificent bastards. See you tomorrow, hopefully without pitchforks and torches.

134. @threadless You bastards! When are you going to Hit Grand Junction, Colorado?

135. holy hell, this is long: Politicks with a side of Rant -

136. @Agent_M as long as it's not at you, I wouldn't worry too much

137. @Paidion well, when you're told that you start out with a black mark against you, it's kinda hard to separate the sin from the sinner.

138. @ThatKevinSmith they allowed 10 year olds into clubs back then?

139. #zombietalk are snarfing down on critters, I can pick 'em off

140. #zombietalk heavily armed in a zoo. While they

141. sleep, perchance to dream, aye there's the rub.... mmmmm steak....

142. @Paidion ah c'mon, you're still young enough to pull off all nighter. Hang tight, brew some coffee, and get that shit knocked out

143. @JINX metallica

144. @Paidion we need to observe a moment of silence for the fall of Seattle's best. That was good coffee.

145. @Agent_M soul_less/evil... yeah, I gots it

146. Problems with time travel and a question of self-conscious bald men conquering the world -

147. @chriscornell "Can't fucking sleep again. Shit. Fuck." Did those last two work for ya?

148. coherence fleeing quickly... Drew Barrymore on Jimmy looks like old, drunken has-been actress... except in a trashy, non-attractive way. ick

149. @Paidion lol, for some reason, that just cracked me up... I have no idea why... perhaps a 4:30 a.m. wake up call.

150. A minor grammar glitch is fixed, and blasphemy is commited -

151. @Paidion : P it's been a long day, and I turned of my grammar check.

152. @levarburton: A program is endured, threats are imagined, and a child barfs. -

153. A program is endured, threats are imagined, and a child barfs. -

154. @Paidion Him? or me? haven't heard either one hit bottom yet. #Bobsaget

155. bleagh... making juice for the boys and licked the lid of the concentrate. Now trying to get septum out of cerebellum place & vice versa

156. @JINX theaters, the best way to enjoy teh suk

157. @chriscornell I really dug the chase scene when they were kids; the juxtaposition of the chase with the music.... awesome.

158. Surviving Suburbia.... Sux the major dck! so blowful, I want my 1/2 hr back! #Bobsaget

159. @JINX #curiousgeorge original theme song! w00t!

160. #curiousgeorge original song! w00t!

161. @JINX jules verne

162. "Screech" has stopped following me. Oh well, he was a douche anyways.

163. New TV rant -

164. @JINX Chun Li

165. #zombietalk Sunday on "Eat the Press"

166. @ThatKevinSmith srsly though, cn U suggest any gd graphic novels 4 kids?

167. @ThatKevinSmith you payin' for me to come up from GJ?

168. @Paidion would you like some help with the writing?

169. beatboxin' oldskool super mario

170. I kid you not, "Screech" from Saved by the Bell is following me. This is the coolest thing so far.

171. damnit

172. Holy F*ckin

173. @greggrunberg noxious

174. @chriscornell link no work

175. RT @Lankylurkr: RT @Lankylurkr: Rant about Jimmy Fallon - #JimmyFallon meta data bullsh*t

176. RT @Lankylurkr: Rant about Jimmy Fallon - #Jimmy Fallon

177. Rant about Jimmy Fallon -

178. movie not finished, using placers 4 music/fx, ppl still whining about movie. asshats!

179. ain't that a bitch - Wolverine Movie leaked 2 internet: X

180. *sigh*

181. bed beckons (as does LW)

182. neilhimself have you checked out Tweetdeck? Free program that splits replies & direct messages into separate columns.

183. @alyankovic Canterbury Tales to the tune of "Gilligan's Island" w00t! txt only tho

184. @greggrunberg Looking for a laugh? want to catch up on sci-fi books, but don't have the time? Check this out!

185. Going to bed now. Can't stand Vin Diesel

186. @Paidion I don't ever recall calling Bush a fascist... I think the closest I ever came was saying that he couldn't even spell fascist.

187. Blog update pt. 2 -

188. Emergency Update -

189. @alyankovic w00t! 'lectric cars! zoom zoom!

190. :new post

191. upside of wrkn on book? Listening 2 music... rt now: Dave Brubeck Quartet's "Time Out"

192. Wrkng on book reqs vists 2 amazon. Amazon advtzs Kindle2 evrywhr. Kindle looking bttr n bttr. DAMN YOU AMAZON.COM!

193. Goodreads Update The Princess Bride : author: William Goldman name: Nathan average ra..

194. Nightly self-indulgence -

195. @wilw Dude, you're Will Wheaton: The Definition of Awesome.

196. @Paidion glad to hear you getting better. New story? I can has read plz

197. Finally listening to Free Spirit's "Pale Sister of Light".... not bad, got a nice 80's ish power chord feel to it.

198. @wilw @wilw t's awesome now that I'm off work (even tho' it's been snowing on and off all day). Hope your day is going well.

199. Talking about myself - Off to bed!

200. @Agent_M it might be a good idea to get your tongue out of your nose, ya giraffe.

201. @wilw Love, the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket... ahhh... doesn't get much more poetic than that.

202. @wilw Well, It's not my job.....

203. If you would like clearer pictures, tweet me with contact info.

204. Zenning pic 4 battle screen:

205. Zenning Pic 3: Multi-player start screen:

206. Zenning Pic 2: Story Start screen:

207. trying again Zenning pic 1: Start screen (ha! got it!)

208. can't seem to figure out this damn twitpic prog.... grrrrr


210. zenning pic 1: Start screen

211. @levarburton good work on the quitting! I know it was tough for me, but If you got through Reading Rainbow, Quitting smoking will be a brz!

212. @Paidion will send screens of game in the P.M.

213. @ThatKevinSmith Well, yer not dead yet, so that's gotta count for something

214. @neilhimself - This is cool! It would be interesting to see what Dave McKean would do with it.

215. @neilhimself - I've been rotating it to the right... it takes on a surreal aspect after the four or five times ...

216. @wilw no millions may be teh suck, but yer still awesome in my book.

217. @Paidion Zenning is a new single/multi player game still in testing on Kongregate. (free online games).

218. checking out the beta v.4 of zenning @kongregate

219. @skottieyoung OMG Skottie, you've got to read Lamb! It is great! Definite Graphic Novel material! (hint hint)

220. @Agent_M I wanna see Monsters vs. Aliens too, and I'm thinking about not taking the kids! lol

221. @Agent_M This is some of the funniest shit I've seen all day!

222. @Paidion We should start writing bullshit news stores and end each article with "TV and Radio confirm it". That aught to be amusing.

223. cussing out nintendo.... now too tired, going to bed.

224. @wilw jst set up winamp remote to access from wii, but don't have fckn wii brwser. FAIL!

225. @Paidion xplain wlmrt hoax plz. ok thnx bye

226. @neilhimself comic characters drawn on them. We ran into each other later and you hooked me on Abarat.

227. @neilhimself I'm coming from Grand Junction. We've actually met before: In Georgia, at ALA. I was the guy with the denim jacket with the...

228. @wilw The bad news is, I cut myself shaving... That's why I'm walking funny.

229. wrapping up half-a-day of writing, biking to work in the morning. Gotta love 5:30 am start times!

230. @skottieyoung So is this kinda like a "how-to draw cool shit" sorta thing?

231. @wilw I figured as much... can't go wrong with vintage Primus. Les Claypool is SRSLY awe inspiring

232. @wilw Quoting U2 "Don't let the Bastards ground you down!"

233. Hating this damn game:

234. @Paidion you think that's bad? check out @punnyfunny

235. *oops self

236. 't help myslef

237. > ) ....s orry couldn

238. he was known as a super callused holistic hexed by halitosis

239. @Paidion Things fall apart, the center cannot hold. Sad, yes, but that is the nature of change.

240. @levarburton Have Fun!

241. @Agent_M Thanks for the info on your products, this will help out quite a bit.

242. alright, I'm up, I'm up..... damnit.

243. Back from the game: Jack's team won (finally!) by two points. Still, a win is a win, w00t!

244. @wilw If you get the torch, I'll bring the pitch, and we'll have a grand ol' bar-b-que!

245. got back from walk about 3 hours ago, hung out with boys, ran some errands. Waitin' for Jack's Game tonight, then.. TO THE BAR! (mebbe)

246. emergency errand run, going for a walk with my beautiful wife and the boys.

247. @Agent_M I was hoping u were joking, but alas... you read the comments? Evrybdy hates it. Good for them!

248. @ThatKevinSmith Kevin, working on book about graphic novels 4 kids, I know ur uberbusy, but if u got a spare sec, would luv to pick ur brain

249. is off today, and catching up on stuff long overdue.

250. @Agent_M Sorry it took so long to reply - btween 3 boys & FT retail job, barely enough time to work on book. Can fill in if you've got email

251. @Paidion Get on facebook and check out Melissa's pics of the boys. P.s. Spider-Man sucks anymore anyways.

252. is going to bed. Tired he is... yoda he now talks like. mmm... good this is.

253. Is home from wurk, and a little fried around the edges.

254. @Agent_M So I see you work for Marvel. I'm currently working on a book about graphic novels, perhaps we can talk?

255. Gearing up for Wurk... ick

* Name Nathan Herald
* Location Over Here
* Web http://www.facebo...
* Bio Husband, Father, Writer, Jack-a-Knape

37 Following 22 Followers

* 255Updates
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255 updates in my first month... not bad. Think I can double that this month?

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I wuz on tv

Me... on tv

The only thing they didn't quote me on was the bit about damnit!

Monday, April 27, 2009

Yo Padre

So, I just wanted to say that I have the coolest Dad in the world. wanna see a picture of him? Here he is with Mom.

Anyways, as I was saying, my Dad is one of the coolest guys in the world. Not only does he live in this crazy ass house that they built out of tires empty bottles and cans and gobs of dirt, but he also really does his best to make sure his grandkids have the birthdays of their dreams.
See, Big Stink wanted to have a "water party" for his big double digit party. The park where we're going to have it at doesn't have access to water spigots anymore, and we were going to have to rethink our plans (imagine 20+ ten year olds with squirt guns... that's what we had planned). I called up Dad, asked him a huge favor, and he totally delivers.
So, I just wanted to say "Thanks Dad, not only were you a good parent, but you're a good role model. I love you."

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Obama and the antichrist: a comparison

So, LW has been on one of her websites, and these ladies keep claiming that Obama is "the anitchrist". Well, as a public service to everyone out there, and to help clear up any confusion, we will compare President Obama with the antichrist.

First off, the antichrist:

- [sits] in the temple, opposing himself against anything that is worshipped(2 Thessalonians 2:4)
- claims divine authority (2 Thessalonians 2:4)
- works all kids of counterfeit miracles and signs (2 Thessalonians 2:9)
- does all kinds of evil (2 Thessalonians 2:10)
- sets itself up in a "wing" or a Pinnacle" the temple.(Daniel 9:27)
- might be of jewish origin (matt 24:15)

Now, we could go further into detail, but then we would have to start scouring the rest of the bible, and I can only handle so much scorching of the flesh as I handle the damn thing.

As for the other side of this equation...

Barak Hussein Obama:
- Sits in the White House after being elected to the presidency (New York Times 5 Nov 2008)
- has said that "we can neither retreat from the world nor try to bully it into submission" and that we (Americans) must "lead the world, by deed and example". (Foreign Affairs 86 - July - August 2007)
- has not pulled off any miracles
- Define "Evil"
- has had near epic fails with early cabinet selections
- Is of Hawaiian descent

Right, so those last four, I have nothing to directly point to to back those up, so they're arguably non-points for Obama.

But the point I'm trying to make is this....

It's fine if you don't like the guy... I can dig that. I didn't like the last asshole who was in the White House. But if you're going to make comparisons to biblical figures, GET YOUR SHIT STRAIGHT FIRST!
Sorry folks, you can cling to your republican ideals, your rigid codes of ethics, your beliefs and/or racist/mysoginistic/outdated/outmoded ideologies but comparing Obama to the antichrist is too much of a stretch for me. (P.s. I'll hang on to mine while we're at it)
That's like comparing Rush Limbaugh to a sperm whale because it killed Captain Ahab.
If you want to spew your rhetoric, that is fine, just be prepared to be spewed back at.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

America get Teabagged

Today is Tax Day. Enough about that. So, one of the things that make life so grand is the fact that people can assemble and petition the government for a redress of grievances. Now see, one of the big differences between the democraps and repubicans is the way they approach peaceful demonstration.

Democraps will makes signs and the more fanatic ones will throw rocks, trash cans, sticks, small children, etc. If they're feeling really frisky, they'll put themselves in front of motorcades or chain themselves to immovable objects.

Repubicans will make signs and the more fanatic ones will trow rocks, trash cans, sticks, minorities, etc. If they're feeling really frisky, they'll... well, I'll let you read for yourself:

In Colorado, we have the right to bear arms if we can legally purchase it. The only rule is that it must be visible from three sides. I move that we exercise our rights on this day, perhaps a rifle over the shoulder is a better message than a quip on a piece of poster board.
This is a peaceful, demonstration, I will remind everyone who reads it.


Maybe if people came with pitch forks and such … the news media might see we’re serious … Hang in effigy a few politicians - Obama, Pelosi, etc. Otherwise … you may have noticed previous tea parties (a few weeks back) were completely ignored by all but FOX News … Be outrageous or be ignored

I’m bringing an old flint-lock musket (Unloaded) strictly symbolic to show a real desire to take back our country from the socialist - We really need to march on the local news media so they can’t ignore us like they did last month - over 4000 protesters and not a peep (FOX News was the exception)

If we don’t act up (Bring Pitch Forks and maybe hang a few politicians in effigy) the liberal press will ignore us again like they did the 4,000 plus tax protesters in Florida last month …

I don’t know about pitchforks, but I wonder if masks would be prudent.

I am so happy and relieved to know
Together we will purge this country of the true terrorist!
I will be with you all ,hand in hand, at the fort Collins march.
With arms locked we will break right through their chains!


In order to fully understand what is going on here in America I would highly suggest that all of you research the following subjects: The Committee of 300 (the Illumaniti) Dr. Coleman on google video, FEMA Concentration Camps, and the NWO (New World Order).

Bring your pitchforks! For safety sake, stick a potato on each prong. If you have an effigy of Obama/Pelosi/Reid/Frank even better. Instead of burning the effigy, simply place the pitchfork up the a** and hoist it before the cameras.

This next one really blew me away. This is from "Gunny Bob" a Denver Radio Personality:

Everyone who attends should be aware of our esteemed opponents placing ringers in the audience to set us up for a scam that they hope will go viral on the Web.

Liberals may try to blend into the honest audience and push, trip or otherwise assault you, or intimidate you using any number of means. Bring video cameras and have them running and scanning all the time so the video can be used in court. Watch for them to hide nasty signs and posters under their outer clothing. Watch for them to suddenly produce KKK signs, baby killer signs, and other forms of noxious buffoonery. And watch for them carrying weapons, feces, urine, and other problematic items.

I think that this one is my personal favorite that sums up just how deluded some people are:

The liberals, gays, lesbiens [sic], are trying to take away OUR RIGHTS! Go figure!

These have all been taken verbatim from the website The only name I included was the radio personality, due to the fact that he is a public figure. The other posts I have left the names off of; if you want to figure out who said what, check out the website. At the same time, a few of these quotes were probably said by the same people, so I don't want anyone thinking that the "extreme" conservatives are much more prolific than they actually are.

On the opposite side of the coin, there are quite a few people on the website that are speaking out against these lunatics quoted above.

I am kind of worried about the number of comments posted from people making this a “republican vs democrat” issue. That is not what this is supposed to be about. I frankly don’t give a darn if they wear an R or a D after their name - they all look and smell alike to me any more, with very few exceptions. Glenn Beck has been warning against doing exactly that, because there are those out there who would love to make this another divisive issue. What we should be focussed[sic] on is that we are American citizens and that we demand that our elected officials represent US! Please think about that.

I highly suggest leaving the guns out for two reasons. First, most of these tea parties will be at or march to a government facility of some sort and having a weapon in those places is illegal. Second, the media will focus solely on the guns if they see it or hear about it and the meaning of the tea party will be lost.

This is not a partisan event and is not centered on Liberalism. As a very irate conservative, I look back on many administrations and they all have spent our money carelessly and without obstruction. This movement needs not the partisan labels as it is bigger then that. We need all citizens to look inward to themselves and hold this truth that we cannot stand for this any longer, no matter who is in charge!

PLEASE JOIN the Tea Party of choice and have a good time. Be friendly and on your best behavior. It’s a party! We want to reflect all genuine, traditional American citizens–hard working, generous, decent, thoughtful, collegial and law-abiding. Humor is welcome. There’s strength in numbers.

DON’t imitate the 60’s radicals and lefties who were obnoxious. Their demonstrations were divisive, loud and spit in the face of authority, taunted police and the National Guard to the breaking point, and disrespected veterans in despicable ways.


Marching with a gun is NOT a good idea! Marching with the constitution is….our politicians are ignoring us! LET”S march and tell them ENOUGH!!

Remember guys, these events are meant to be apolitical in the sense that we aren’t advocating for or against one party. One party might hypothetically stand for the same principles you or I do, but government expanded under George Bush and a Republican-led congress before Obama, Reid, and Pelosi got their crack at it. I would suggest your signs be tied to issues rather than people or parties.

now, I know people are going to say "well, you didn't bother hunting down any liberal quotes that show what lunatics they are". I know. We just have to wait a couple of years until the power has shifted, and I'll post anther one showing how loopy and ridiculous the liberal are.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Easter eggs plus blasphemy stopped by apathy

All of these pictures are thumbnails, so if you want a better look, just click on the image.

Easter Eggs
This is a top down view of the eggs that we made this year. Not too bad.

Craters of the moon?
This one reminds me of the moon. Not the RL moon, but the moon of the old sci-fi pulps, where BEMs kidnapped wasp waisted women while square-jawed manly men fired off burp guns.

Cat 1
After making the "Cheshire" Egg, I was inspired to make this egg. This is the front view.

Cat 2
This is the top-ish view of the cat. We were using neon colored gel dyes, and the camera kinda washed out the color. Unfortunately, you can't see the ears very well in this pic.

Egg 'o Lantern 1
This is one of Big Stink's Eggs. I don't know if he was going for a "Nightmare Before Christmas" type look or what, but I like how it turned out.

Egg 'o Lantern 2
This is the top down view of the Egg 'o Lantern.

Egg 'o Lantern 3
The back of the Egg 'o Lantern.

This is a stupid little face that I was working on. I was trying to get some depth to the mouth, but it turned out rather crappy.

Cheshire 1
This is the one that I was the most impressed with, but disapointed with the picture of. For some reason, this saying has always stuck in my head. For those of you who don't recognize it, it's from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. The Cheshire cat says this to Alice when she inquires why everything is so mad. I was afraid that the entire phrase would not fit due to the curvature of the egg.

Cheshire 2
This is the bottom half of the saying, and the camera did not want to cooperate with the egg. Boo!

Cheshire 3 (back)
This was a little bit of humor that I added after the fact. This is the back side of the egg, and I kept thinking of the Disney version where the cheshire cat would fade out and all that would be left was the eyes and the grin.

Cheshire 4
I decided that I was going to try one more picture of the saying, and I think it turned out rather well. The only thing that made me mad about the picture was that the dye was this really wild electric purple, and the pictures turned it blue.

Striations on a Theme
This was one that really caught my attention. I loved the way the colors kinda drifted across the green... reminds me a little of the planet Venus.

Hi Bye patu
This was from Big Stink to Little Stink.

Hippity Hop Hop
Alright, I admit it, this was one of the early ones, and I was trying to stay in the spirit of the holiday.

Flower Power
There's those damn liberal ideologies of ours rearing their ugly heads again.

I am the Egg, Man... Ook ook achoo
Big Stink made this one, and I just couldn't help myself. This one, I call "I am the egg, man... ook ook a chook.

So, after we made the eggs and put the stinks to bed, I started debating about doing some more eggs. I had a great idea for a new egg, but didn't do it. Probably for the best... see when I first thought of it, I didn't realize that it was not only sacreligeous, but also hugely blasphemous. See, the idea was to put the key that the Morningstar had given to Morpheus in retaliation for a previous slight.
That's what I get for being Discordian during a Christian Holiday. Glad I caught myself before all hell broke loose.... never mind.