Saturday, December 5, 2009
Writing Experiment 6 - The incredibleness of your brother in-law Roger. His handsomeness, grace under fire and fabulous looks.
So, I would like to take some time tonight to talk about my Brother-in-law, Roger Smith. Now, anyone who has met Roger knows how studly and tumescent he is - his quick wit, his good looks, his prowess in the bedroom. Words cannot even come close to the amazing awesomeness that is the man that puts Adonis to shame and makes him hang his head in defeat. Women swoon over him, men want to be him, writers and poets weep and rend their clothes in futile attempts to discover the words that do this Hercules/Odysseus/Adonis/Don Juan the barest amount of justice.
But just who is this Roger Smith, the mere mention of his name liable to call down his ire, due to the utterer not being worthy to even breathe his name. Roger Smith, that god amongst men is a father, a husband, a brother and son. He is a caretaker, a provider, a soothsayer, a teller of tales, a sly profligate of the highest moral turpitude, and if whispers hold true; a lover of unmitigated passion and sensitivity whose can restore a woman's maidenhead if she so wishes - while he still lays with her.
His intelligence and wit is second to none - having bested the greatest minds of our time (he once went head to head with Stephen Hawking in a joke telling contest over particle physics - Hawking fled, weeping), he devised a manner of travel to turn back the hands of the clock to match wits with Heisenberg, Bohr, Einstein and other great minds. His crowning achievement was to prove to Heisenberg that the cat actually existed in two states at once by producing both a live and a dead cat at the same time from the box. On his return, he single-handedly out joked every comer at the "Def Comedy Jam", then took on every inductee to the comedy hall of fame.
Once, at a bar, he got into a fight with Chuck Norris, Jean Claude Van Damme, Stephen Segal, Chow Yun Fat, Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan and Andy Kauffman. After yelling "Boo" really loudly at Van Damme and watching Van Damme run away with urine streaming down his legs, he picked up Segal, beat Lee and Fat to death with him, and proceeded to Shove Jackie Chan's head through Norris's chest. He then sat down to discuss the finer points of modern life with Kauffman, until a cute waitress came up and wrestled Kauffman.
Once, while he was studying to become a RN, he performed a quadruple bypass surgery on the teacher using only a ball point pen, the wire from a spiral bound note-book, and five feet of invisible tape. Not only did his teacher survive, but she also lost 50 pounds, looked ten years younger, and gained two bust sizes.
Last Thursday, Roger walked into a hostage situation. The hostage takers were demanding that the United States cease all actions in the Middle East and withdraw completely, and then have everyone in America convert to radical Islam. Not only did Roger talk to hostage takers into letting all the hostages go, he also got them to renounce their radical beliefs, convert to Christianity, give up their weapons and rat out their superiors, where they were at, what weapons they had, how they wore their underwear and what they liked in their coffee. On top of that, he got their superiors to renounce their violent ways. He then shot Osama Bin Laden with a gun fashioned out of two pipe cleaners, a rubber band, and five pounds of C-4.
He faced off against Galactus, the World Eater and not only kicked Galactus's ass, but knocked him completely out of the Marvel Universe and into the Magic Kingdom where he now runs the "Peter Pan" ride.
Roger tends to be so calm, cool and collected that he sweats ice cubes. His demeanor is so mellow, he constantly has penguins and seals resting on him. Greenpeace once named him the "safest place for endangered arctic creatures".
At the Academy Awards, he swept every honor - even "Best Female Lead".
He is the alpha and omega - he is the beginning and the end, he is all that was, and all that will ever be.
I suppose it's just a damn shame that he's second best to me.