Monday, November 30, 2009

The Muppet Zombie Movie

Soooo.... Here's the first blog of my experiment. Figures it would be something that is insanely difficult, but combining two of my favorite things: Muppets and Zombies.

The Great Muppet Zombie Movie

Movie begins as Kermit and Scooter are backstage at the Muppet Show, watching the latest act on stage. On stage, Fozzie is attempting to use a very sick Beauregard (the Janitor) as a straight man. As the skit gets worse, Beauregard attacks Fozzie and bites him.
Freaking out, Kermit and Scooter drop the curtain and rush out to try and help Fozzie. Beauregard tries to bite Kermit and in the process gets impaled on his mop. Scooter and Kermit get Fozzie back to a dressing room and call a doctor. Dr. Bob (Rolf) appears with his Nurse (Janice). Cracking jokes about Fozzie's career dying - Fozzie dies, only to come back mid-joke and attacking Dr. Bob. The nurse and Scooter freak out and run out of the room, leaving Kermit to face Zombie Fozzie.
Janice and Scooter race back out to the orchestra pit and talk to Dr. Teeth and the rest of Electric Mayhem. Retreating into an understage storage area, Dr. Teeth and Floyd reveal that Beauregard and Fozzie have become zombies due to tampering with contaminated felt by Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. His original experiment escaped, and attacked Beauregard. Floyd was unable to prevent Beauregard from getting infected, but was able to take out Beaker before he could infect anyone else. In the ensuing battle, Beauregard escaped, saying he was going to clean out the wound with bleach.
While discussing the situation, Beauregard (with mop still attached) attacks, only to be tackled and torn apart by Animal. Dr. Teeth, Zoot, Floyd, Scooter and Janice flee the battle, grabbing assorted musical instruments on their way out. Climbing back up on stage, The group discusses possible ways out of the theater, only to be interrupted by Waldorf and Statler - the two old grumps in the balcony.
In between witty repartee, Waldorf and Statler explain that if they want the Zombie scourge to end, they must destroy all of the zombies and Honeydew's lab. Statler is then attacked by Precious while Waldorf looks on and makes snarky comments about the attack.
Not wanting to stick around and see the aftermath, the gang flees to backstage right. Many one liners and sight gags later, Zoot takes a breather and is attacked by a Zombie Animal who is in turn beaten to death by Floyd with a Guitar. Zoot mimes that he is a dead man, and takes off with, playing a dirge on his saxophone. Dr. Teeth makes a poignant, yet smartass comment about Zoot's character.
In the meantime, Janice and Scooter have fallen for each other, and sneak off a little ways to make out. In the process, Janice is attacked by Lew Zealand, the boomerang fish thrower. As Scooter watches helplessly, Janice is bitten, and Scooter is injured by boomerang fish. Fleeing back to the safety of the group, Scooter explains what happened with Floyd and Dr. Teeth offering zingers.
As the group gets closer to Honeydew's lab, they start fighting off more zombie muppets - some getting closer and closer to biting or grabbing our heroes. In a climactic moment, Dr. Teeth and Floyd whack each other accidentally, allowing them to be attacked by the zombies. Scooter limps away from the fray and finds the door to Honeydew's lab.
Rushing into the lab, Scooter manages to bar the door, breathing a sigh of relief and closing his eyes. A voice shakes him out of his revere and he opens his eyes to see Honeydew standing there, explaining that he is not the villain - he was forced to tamper with contaminated felt in order to prevent the real villain from yanking his funding. Right before Honeydew can tell Scooter who the villain is, he blows up as one of his experiments backfires. The Count steps out of the shadows saying "One! One Dead Scientist! Ah! Ah! Ah!"
Scooter is stunned and stutters for a minute until the count cuts him off. The Count explains that he was tired of Sesame Street, and had wanted something new to count. If he also managed to take over the neighborhood, all the better. After making a few calls, he discovered that Honeydew had discovered a way to reanimate dead fabric. The Count, already a dead being, figured that a zombie army would be a great way to liven up Sesame Street and threatened to pull Honeydew's funding if he did not assist the Count in his scheme. Not realizing that the Count didn't fund him at all, Honeydew did what he was told.
As the count stalks closer to Scooter, another voice comes out of the darkness. Kermit steps out of the shadows as well, explaining that he will stop the Count and put an end to this nightmare, only to have the Count burst out laughing. Kermit begins to laugh as well, and Scooter looks on aghast. Kermit explains that the Count originally approached him about talking with Honeydew, but Kermit came up with the idea of cutting funding in exchange for a compliant (and wage free) cast as well as the deed to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit and the Count close in on Scooter and it looks like the villains will win, when suddenly, the news anchor walk up, sits down at a conveniently placed desk, and reads off the news: "Local anchors being attacked by falling whales".
A giant sperm whale lands on the news anchor killing him as well as the Count and Kermit. In the aftermath, Scooter clambers out of the rubble. The movie ends with a silhouette of Scooter standing on top of the wreckage that was the Muppet Theater.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

A Musing on Zombies

So a few weeks ago, I saw the movie "Zombieland" and I've got to say... it sucked horribly. Obviously, I'm in the minority here, if IMDB ratings are anything to go by. However, the movie did get me thinking about what are the things that I feel should be canon regarding zombies. So with out further ado,

Nathan's Canon on Zombies:

1. Zombies are not romantic.
- Unlike vampires, werewolves, frankenstein type monsters, etc. there is no way to romanticize a zombie. I mean, we're talking various shades of necrophilia, and there is nothing sexy about that. bleagh....

2. Zombies do not have a specific weakness.
- Vampires have sunlight, Werewolves have silver, fire is also a good neutralizer regarding monsters. Zombies not only have to deal with armed victims, but also time itself. You let a zombie go long enough, it's liable to just fall apart, like leprosy on overdrive.

3. Zombies are not smart.
- Lately zombies seem to be "smart" or at least show an intelligence that belies a tactical prowess. This should not be possible, as a) as the infection courses through a victims body, bodily functions begin to shut down. b) Zombies have been traditionally portrayed as "mindless", basically following the basest instinct - hunger.

4. Zombies are slow.
- A disturbing trend that has appeared in zombie movies over the past few years is that of the fast zombie. I first witnessed this in "28 Days Later" - while not "traditional" zombies, the storyline did support the concept of a fast zombie. However, other movies - especially "Zombieland" abused the concept. There are caveats to Rule 4 that I will cover below.

5. Zombies are metaphor.
- Zombies represent what we always accuse our fellow ma of being - a mindless, lethargic, creature controlled by base instinct. Zombies should not be paraded out like cobra commandos, or nameless extras in a James Bond Villain's army. They need to stand for something, or they become basic moving target practice.

6. Zombie origins depend on the background of the movie.
- "The Serpent and the Rainbow" dealt with zombies through voodoo. "28 Days Later" and "Resident Evil" dealt with viral strains. "Night of the Living Dead" used interstellar radiation. Keep the origin tied into the overall theme of the movie, or don't mention it at all.

7. Zombies do not crave brains.
- A common misconception is that zombies must have brains to survive. This is not true. Zombies hunger for human flesh, not just the brains.


1. Parody will throw any and all of these conventions out the window. If it's a comedy, these rules will either apply or not.

2. While zombies are not immortal, they're not going to go down without a fight. Even when a zombie has decomposed to nothing much more than a torso pulling itself along the ground by it's teeth, it's still dangerous.

3. Zombies are not smart, but when first infected, the original intelligence still remains. The longer a zombie is around, the more intelligence it loses, until it is nothing much more than a mindless eating machine.

4. Zombie speed. Like #3 above, once a victim has first "turned" they retain much of their original speed they once had. As they putrefy and rot, they slow down. When you've got a zombie apocalypse that occurred more than six months ago, and the undead are still pulling out 3 minute miles, you're not facing off against zombies, you're facing off against bad writing.

5. Metaphor. See rule one.

6. Origin of virus. yeah... I've got nothing.

7. Brains. If you want your zombie to crave brains, hey, more power to ya, but it seems like a waste of time to try and chew through the skull.


A very special thanks to George Romero, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, and the FVAZA (Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency) located at htpp://