Sunday, January 31, 2010

Updates to the Writing Experiment

Hello all,

After putting the writing experiment on hold for the weekend to clear my head, I've come to realize that in order to continue, I had to make some changes. While some of these changes run counter to what I had originally anticipated, I feel that they will benefit both the writing experiment as well as you, my faithful readers.

- Effective immediately, I will no longer use the first suggestion I get right off. Instead, from 12am to approximately 10 pm, I will accept any and all writing ideas, and then choose the best one for the day to write about.
The reason I am doing this is partially due to the fact that I tend to solicit at strange times, so 1) many fans are not on when I request; 2) if people feel that they can't get the one slot, they'll stop participating; 3) the more options I have, the better I can write.

- Since I'm getting something from you, I feel as though I should offer something in kind. As I am but a poor struggling writer, the best I can offer at this time is a small image stating that I have chosen your idea for the day; you can post it on your website, your blog, facebook, or if you really want to, you can print it out and post it on your wall.

- I will no longer write seven days a week. This serves several purposes: it allows me some time off to prevent burn out, and I can also chose the idea of the week, which will get another little image to prove how awesome you are.

- Writing prompts need to be more specific: an idea is only as good as its framework: please define some boundaries (ie: a strange mystery = not a good writing prompt. a strange mystery set at a body farm = much better)

- Please do not suggest ideas that require explanation of inside jokes or low brow humor. I can do low-brow well enough on my own, but if it starts out low, it can only go lower, and then everyone feels dirty and violated afterwards... not good.

- Have fun with it! I enjoy writing, I want you to have fun reading it.

- Please tell anyone you know about the writing experiment, the more the merrier!

If you have any suggestions for things I can do with the experiment, or if you want to do a guest spot, please contact me through facebook via Nathan's writing experiment; Twitter via @Nathswritingexp; or through gmail via Nathanswritingexperiment (at) gmail (dot) com. (you'll have to manual the email - cuts down on spam that way)

Friday, January 29, 2010

WTF Story # 2

Oh boy hoh boy hoh boy.... people! people coming to see me! Hoh boy hoh boy hoh boy... I like people. I like when people come to see me. It gets so lonely here, except for when the guy with the fish comes and feeds me, or when I find a big round bouncy thing in the water. Here comes people... hey! where you going? come back! come baaaa- OW! my nose! ergh... why do they put that there? They know that if I get too excited I forget it's there... Oohhhh... more people.... hey! hey! look at me! hey! I may not be fluffy, but I'm cute! Oooh Picture? You'll see how cute I am, hang on a second, I wanna pose for you. What? Big Smile? Big Smile! Heeeeeeeeee!!!!! >click<

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Infomercial from Hell (NSFW)

In the next half hour, we're going to tell you about an amazing new device that will save you thousands of dollars in doctor's visits, and can be completed in the privacy of your own home!

>pans through crowd<

That's right, the man who brought you such items as the "Beer Goggle Safety Device" and "Dutch Oven in a Can" is back, with his greatest invention yet!

Applause, scattered hollers

But first, we want to bring out someone who has really benefited from this new labor saving device! Please give a warm welcome to former Vice-President... DICK CHENEY!

cheers and applauds loudly

>walks onto stage, looking slightly uncomfortable and malevolent< Yes, thank you! Thank you! That's very kind! I have to tell you, I first met our mutual friend when Lil' George was still in office, and I have to tell you, if it wasn't for his inventions, I would have shot a lawyer in the face! >laughs<

Appreciative laugh

But seriously folks, I have to tell you - if it was not for this man that I'm introducing, Congress would have really been blocked up. Fortunately, with the help of the device we're going to talk about, we were able to get the government unblocked and flowing freely.


Now without further ado, I give you the man who singlehandedly saved the American people from a log jamb of epic proportions: Juuuudd Eeeegaaaaaannnnnnn!

>Tall, goofy looking guy comes stumbling onto stage< Whoa... almost spilled my beer >looks at hands, confused, then looks back off stage< HEY! where'd my beer go? Oh? >points off stage< you got it? >flashes a thumbs up< thanks! >looks around< Whoa, where the hell did you all come from?

Judd, why don't you come on over here and tell us all about your latest invention.

My wha-? >looks slightly confused<

>clenches teeth< your invention >smiles malevolently<

>looking confused still< my invention? >understanding dawns< Oh! Right! Invention! >sways over to table<

So, Judd, what can you tell us about this new device?

Well Dick, This has got to be my best invention to date. Why it alone helped clear the log jamb in congress a couple of years ago.

>looking downright predatory< Yes, I've already explained that to the audience. Why don't you tell us what it is?

Tell who what is?

>Fierce whisper< your goddamn invention!

oh, right...


So! Either I'm here by court order to tell you about the hazards of drinking and driving, or I'm here of my own free will to tell you about my new device! >squints at audience< you look a little old to be in high school, so I must be selling my new labor saving device! >stares at audience<

>leans over< restitution is tomorrow.

Riiiigghhhhttt..... So, he're my new device. How many of you are closing in on the age of forty? >counts fingers, looses count, starts again. Looses count again, starts pointing at hands while counting<

>reaches over and pushes down Eggen's hand<

>whispers< dude! not cool! >normal voice< How many of you have gone in for a colonoscopy? Well, with my new device, you no longer have to worry about some strange doctor getting friendly without buying dinner and a movie first. >reached down and pulls up a device< This, is the Judd Eggen Home Rectal Exam Kit.

uneasy applause, mutters

that's right folks, with this little device, you can perform those embarrassing and humiliating rectal exams yourself, in the privacy of your own home! No more having to set up an appointment, traveling to the doctor's office, waiting in an uncomfortable chair only to have some strange doctor get to know you from the inside out. Now, you can experience that sense of personal violation in your own home, both with and by yourself! Here's Steve with more!

That's right Judd! The Judd Eggen Home Rectal Exam is the most cutting edge device in America for Home Rectal Exams. Never before has your colorectal health been so easy to find out yourself. All it takes is five easy steps, as illustrated by this video.

>cuts to video of actor who looks like Judd<

Step 1: drink the specially formulated cleanser.

>Actor drinks stuff down, smacks his lips<

Let the California Cherry flavor wash over you as it begins it's magic almost immediately.

>Actor looking bored gets shocked, uncomfortable look on face and races off screen; pan to clock on wall stating 2 p.m.<

After your system has managed to completely clean itself out, >shot of clock now saying 11 p.m.< it's time for a good night's rest!

>Cut to actor passed out on toilet<

The second day, set up the machine >Actor starts unfolding box like a Transformer< once it is all set up, strap in, and click the "Start" button.

>Actor climbs into apparatus naked, and gets into position with ass sticking out<

The device will take care of the rest! >front shot of actors face, with rear sticking up in background - arm comes out of machine with latex glove on, doing something to actor's posterior; second arm comes out with 1980's style video camera and makes motions like camera is being stuffed. Camera pans back to cables coming down between actor's legs to television near by<

now all you do is watch the television while the camera probes your cavity, looking for polyps, ulcers or misplaced die cast cars.

>actor looks concerned< Uh-oh! looks like we have a blockage of some sort! >Television just shows black mass, due to poor lighting<

After your scan is complete, just relax while the computer tabulates your test results.

>Cut to computer screen looking at printout; one mechanical hand is holding paper, while other hand scratches top of monitor case like it is thinking.<

>cut to actor, still strapped in<

According to the tests, you're in perfect health, but it appears that you haven't been eating enough roughage lately.

>cut to actor, looking sheepish<

that's quite alright, because now, Judd's Home Rectal Exam kit comes with a free Arse-Whisk! That's right, for those stubborn blockages that refuse to move on their own, we have included our patent pending Arse-whisk to fight constipation! And if that wasn't enough, we teamed up with the industry leader in small buffing, grinding and polishing tools.....D- due to leagl wrangling, we've been asked to not state the name of the company until the lawsuit has been resolved.

>flashes picture of tool<

So order today!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The Destruction of Society due to Celebrity Worship

Celebrity Worship - the overwhelming urge to follow the lives of people more popular than ourselves. To an extent, we all suffer from celebrity worship. Be it an actor, writer or musician, we follow them to some extent. With social networking sites such as twitter, facebook and myspace, the ability to follow celebrities has become easier.
Before social networking, there were the tabloid magazines: Those trashy mags you would see in the checkout line at the supermarket, talking about how such and such a celebrity was caught in a homosexual tryst or some such nonsense. Then, there were television shows like that absolute nightmare they call TMZ.
I mean seriously,who in their right mind cares what the hell is going on with Kiefer Sutherland being victimized in a Ponzi scheme?
Then, there is the internet: the uncontrollable rumor mill that will take a bullshit story and turn it into the be all end all career destroyer. The simple fact of the matter is that celebrity has become so lucrative it has to be everywhere. We are so unhappy with the way our lives are, we have to follow the lives of others to make us feel better about ourselves.
We can't handle the pressures of the day, so we read about Afleck's puppy training problems. We have a fight with our significant other, so we watch a program about Kanye West being a douchebag. Our obsession with celebrity has reached such a fevered pitch that our elected officials have to weigh in on pure crap, simply to get people to pay attention to them.
If you don't believe me, look at Hillary Clinton settling the whole argument between Conan O'Brien and the Mayor Cory Booker in New Jersey. How about President Obama having to talk about Kanye West acting like a total jackass on the MTV Awards. Would someone please tell me when Kanye interrupting a starving waif garnered more attention than the national freakin' budget!
This focus on Celebrity has moved apathy from a social concern to national pastime. We don't give a damn about foreign policy, but if Angelina decides to go all Pokemon (Gotta catch 'em all!) on a South African nation, oh my holy hell! Get a goddamn camera crew down there! The Prime Minister of Germany was assassinated? We'll get a reporter over there after Gerard Butler has finished grooming his new kitten.

Celebrity has become more important than issues that really affect us. We can't be bothered to get out and vote on issues that affect our lives, but if People magazine has a poll on Lady Gaga's latest strip tease, we'll crash their damn servers.

I keep hearing that society is going down the tubes: either it's the conservatives fault, or the liberals, or the gays, or any sort of garbage that people feel they need to point the finger at being "the death of society".
No. The simple fact of the matter is that we want to follow celebrities and their lives instead of what we need to be looking at - our society.

Monday, January 25, 2010

FBI Profile of Nathan

What follows is an excerpt from the profile for Nathan >name redacted<

The subject is wanted for questioning in several bizarre events that have occurred over the previous five years.

NAME: Nathan >name redacted<
DATES OF BIRTH USED: 2 December, 18 March, 17 April, 23 November, 12 June, 31 February
AGE: Mid 30's
ALIASES: Nathan, Nate, 'El Jeffe', 'The Skate', 'Coco', 'Murderface', Denise
HAIR: Brown, may be bald, long, braided, woven, dyed, or inverted
EYES: Blue, Green, Brown, Orange, may be blind
PLACE OF BIRTH: United States
HEIGHT: 6' 3" (7' 4" when intoxicated)
WEIGHT: 230 lbs (fluctuates when intoxicated, or fed)
COMPLEXION: Scary enough to frighten the tits off a moose
SEX: Varies based on mood
BUILD: Top heavy
RACE: Undefined (possibly canine)
SCARS AND MARKS: Tattoo on left shoulder of cartoon chipmunk. Tattoo on right forearm of scroll with text reading "born to ruffle feathers". Tattoo on chest that reads "This space for rent". Tattoo on lower back of text that states "Hell yeah, that's my tramp stamp". Tattoo on inner left thigh with text that states "Pull chord for service".
Scars on left knee from surgery in 2003. Scars on back from spine removal surgery.
REMARKS: >name redacted< is a known square dance caller and malcontent who delights in shaving chickens and making dogs wear pants. Was associated with the fatal pie fight wars of Sheboygan in 1999. Accused of farting in church on a regular basis, and then blaming it on the altar boy. Enjoys throwing stale bagels at homeless people while singing rude sea shanties and wearing leather chaps on a stick horse. >name redacted< has connections with various gangs and clown colleges, and is known to frequent farms and animal shelters.


Sunday, January 24, 2010

Sometimes I can't find the right word, literally or is that littering?

We've all been there before: we're sitting there talking to someone, and then suddenly, we can't find the right word.

For example:

Speaker 1: So I was talking with that chick the other night and I totally made a fool of myself. I was telling her about this blog I'm reading, and how this guy is writing something every day based on suggestions he gets from fans.

Speaker 2: Oh really? what happened?

Speaker 1: I was telling her about this guy and I totally said the stupidest thing. I said "This guy writes some crazy stuff, I mean he was talking about this lady who had tanned too much or some stuff like that" and she was really getting into it, and I got to talking about the pic that he posted with the story and her... uh.... her... oh damnit... what the hell are those called (rolls hands in front of chest).

Speaker 2: breasts?

Speaker 1: (laughs) yeah that's it.

So, is this accidental, or in some way is this verbal littering? Have we become so lazy and disposable in nature that we're willing to throw away not only physical items, but our language as well?
Probably one of the best (worst?) possible examples of this phenomena is in the on-line community than the phrase "I accidentally the whole 'X', where 'X' equals some sort of noun. Some of the more common ones are:
- Internet
- Apple
- thing
- Coke Bottle (Don't ask)
- pencil

In this way, this dropping of the verb is an intentional misuse of English. However, in standard conversations, the loss of a word in much more complex. Is it an intentional misuse of language, or is it the simple fact that we are human, and in times of intense thought, we tend to forget what we're talking about (much like this writing - I continually my train of thought).

Saturday, January 23, 2010

The End Justifies the Means

The End Justifies the Means

The term "The end justifies the means" has been around for a long time. An idiom of the American language (in other words, from a literal standpoint, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, it's more of figurative speech), the phrase basically implies that the end result is much more important that whatever has to be done to get to that point.

Some famous uses of the ideology of "The end justifies the means":

- The Inquisition; it has been conjectured that the ideology was used for various reasons: increasing political authority, weakening opposition, or to profit from the confiscation of heretic's property.

- Basil II (Basil the Bulgar-slayer): After battling the Bulgarians for many years, his army managed to capture a Bulgarian stronghold. Legend has it that he blinded 99 out of every 100 men. The hundredth man, he only blinded in one eye. Allegedly, Samuel, the leader of the Bulgars fell down in a fit and died two days later after witnessing what Basil did to his men.

- The Nazi treatment of Jews: One of the most famous instances of the ideology comes from Nazi Germany, where millions of "undesirables" were humiliated, disenfranchised and murdered; simply due to the fact that they were considered an "inferior race".

- American treatment of Japanese Citizens: During WWII, America itself engaged in this ideology, sending Japanese Americans to internment camps in the wake of the attack on Pearl Harbor.

- Vietnam was yet another example of "The End Justifies the Means" as well as coining the phrase "We had to destroy it in order to save it": In the face of inhumane warfare tactics (women and children used to transport explosives or anti-personnel traps), American forces had to adopt this rather convoluted thinking to save themselves and the Vietnamese.

- Pol Pot and Cambodia: In the wake of Pol Pot taking power, he had all intellectuals and/or anyone with an advanced degree taken out to what was coined "The Killing Fields" to purge his country of radical thought.

- Even now, on a daily basis, people everywhere engage in behavior that can be interpreted as "The end justifies the means". Just look at when we go Christmas shopping. Normal, decent, thoughtful people become blood-thirsty, maniacal weapons of reasonably large destruction - and what for? Just to get your son or daughter a damn robotic hamster that will end up under the bed in three months, its batteries dead, its synthetic fur dirty and matted from sticky fingers, its butt chewed off because the cat got to it that one time.

Personally, I feel that even though it's for the greater good, the path that we take to get to that point is just as important, if not more so. If we get to a point were we have world peace, is that because we have reached a universal understanding, or is it because we're standing neck deep in the dead, and there's only five of us left, so we damn well better get along?

Friday, January 22, 2010

Ode to Conan O'Brien (Coco)

Dear Internet,

Tonight, the last Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien. I have extremely mixed feelings about this: on the one hand, Conan has been an absolute shot in the arm for the tonight show. When he first started as a fresh faced writer for the Simpsons and Saturday Night Live, nobody had heard about this tall, gangly, redheaded ghost of a man. After the buck-toothed crab-ass took his toys and went to a different network, O'Brien was offered the chance to take over.
Granted, once he got the show, it took him a good three years to find his niche. But as with all things that require time (i.e. wine, cheese, statutes of limitation) he got better. He found his groove - and he realized that the only way to succeed in this business was to be himself. Thus such wonders of modern television as: The Masturbating Bear, Insult the Comic Dog, Horny Manatee, Conan O'Brien Hates My Homeland, Who Made Huckabee?, and my personal favorite, Raymond (The Preparation H guy).
Over the course of fifteen years, Coco, as he had come to be known, would start more feuds with the rest of the world than Stalin, Hitler, Mussolini, and the cast of Jersy Shore combined. Eventually, Conan was offered the position as the host the venerable Tonight Show. For six months, we waited with bated breath as the new studio was built for him, his entire staff was moved across country, and Conan began his long trek across this nation to make it to the studio right as the show started.
Through the greatest of times, and the worst of times, Conan was there with us - making us laugh, either to enhance the enjoyment, or to help us get past the tragedy. At all times, Conan was willing to show us that no matter how dire a situation, no matter how dark the night, all it took was one man who was willing to sacrifice every ounce of personal respect to make the nation laugh, making those moments where we wondered how we would find the strength to move on much more bearable. Those darkest times is when Conan would go for broke, wringing out every last laugh from a humorless situation, just so we could wake up the next day and say "Hey, we'll get through this".
Now, the powers that be have revealed their true colors, not the steadfast rainbow of the peacock, but bright, flashy colors that run and streak at the slightest show of less than perfect weather. The peacock has shown itself to be a yellow-bellied sapsucker willing to throw the baby out with the bathwater in an ill conceived effort to chase heavy losses with larger gambles, knowing full well that they are putting a tarnished lightning rod into a position that was willingly relinquished not seven months ago.
As they say, all good things must come to an end, and for this television nation, for these late night diehards, it is the end of an era. A giant (in every sense of the word) of late night entertainment takes his leave, a network has lost all credibility, and another once great comedian will never be funny again. Sure, time will blunt the pain of this betrayal, and memories will dim, but the loss will never totally go away.
I've got to tell you Internet, Conan is a wonderful man. He was allowed to say whatever he wanted to about NBC tonight, and I was hoping, wishing, praying! that he would go on a total tear about how they completely dissed him, ruined his life, and betrayed his trust, but he didn't. He talked about what a run it had been, and how much NBC had supported him in the past, and that even though they had their differences, he still thought it was the greatest network out there. He is an amazing man, and I see nothing but blue skies and clear lanes for him in the future.

P.s. Conan, if you some how ever read this (I know, highly unlikely), I just want you to know that you have been an inspiration to my and my craft... and if you need a staff writer for your next gig, please contact me at nathanswritingexperiment (at) gmail (dot) com.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

WTF Pics: The Story

We were sitting at TGIFriday's after work one night many years ago. It had been a long week, and we had stopped off after work to loosen up and get a few drinks. Steph had just broken up with William (The Ass, as we had always called him when we were talking to her about him), Felicity was harping about her boss being a total jerk, even if he was super hot, and I was just trying to figure out how I was going to get in without old Mrs. Nesbitt catching me.
I was already two weeks behind on the rent, and the last thing I needed was that withered old harpy griping at me about the rent. I shook my head, trying to lose myself in The Bangles and the Manhattan I was drinking.
Felicity nudged me under the table, and gestured with her head at something off to my left. I rolled my eyes and went back to studying my drink, which was now empty. Steph sighed and looked at me. "Jen, why would he do this to me?"
Steph was my best friend from middle school, and I knew that she was on the verge of completely losing it.
Reaching across the table, I squeezed her hand. "Steph, I know you really liked him, but the guy was a total... a total..."
"Ass" Felicity interjected. I glared at her - Steph's eyes began to well up. "What? He was a total jerk, treated her like trash, and slept with her brother!"
Steph howled and put her head in her hands. Feeling helpless, I patted her on the back and shot daggers at Felicity. "Jen, you have got to take a look at this lady over here. She's been staring at us since we came in, and she is just... scary."
Realizing that Steph was a lost cause for at least ten minutes, I glanced to my right and turned back to Felicity. A second later, I whipped my head back around and stared.

Time stopped.
Distantly, I heard someone say "Oh my god! What the HELL is that?" My mind scrambled to try and define what exactly it was staring at us.
I started shaking, and turned around, my mind still reeling. Felicity was staring at me, and Steph had stopped sobbing. "what?" I asked, reality slowly setting back in.
"Do you realize that you just said 'Oh my god, what the hell is that?' while staring at that thing?" Felicity whispered fiercely.
My mind, which had finally began to define that thing, sprained itself again; not only had I rudely stared at that... that... thing, I had opened my mouth and insulted it as well.
"Hey, can we get our check?!" Steph had come to her senses and taken charge of the situation. I hazarded a glance back over at the woman (I finally decided that it was a woman). She just sat there, squat and bellicose, staring a strange, dead frog type stare. Feeling guilty, I looked away, and glanced again. She was still staring at us.
Unable to handle the scary dwarf lady any more, I lurched up from the table. "Listen, I have got to get out of here, I'll see you guys outside" I stumbled away, feeling her dead eyes following me out of the restaurant.
Sitting outside, I tried to clear my head. Looking around at my surroundings, I saw a gazebo across the park. Just looking at the building set me on edge, and I swore that I saw something... strange. Rubbing my eyes, I looked again, and I could swear I saw that lady again! Except this time, she was staring at me from the gazebo. I blinked several times, but the lady was gone. Had she been talking to someone?
Then it happened - the goddamn gazebo glared at me.

I screamed right as Steph and Felicity came walking out of the restaurant. Racing over, they grabbed me. "Jen! Jen! What's wrong?" Steph asked while Felicty shook me.
Looking at them, I blurted out "The gazebo" I pointed "the lady was there, and then the gazebo... it glared at me!" I could see the incredulity drop onto their faces.
"What?" was their response.
"The gazebo, it was.. staring..." I couldn't finish, realizing how lame I sounded right then.
Felicity shook her head. "Listen, we went and talked to that lady inside, and apologized for our behavior. She said it was alright, but she told us to warn you that the sun takes a dim view of people who mock her. I don't know what she meant by that, but she also told us that Steph would be alright and my boss will stop being a jerk." Felicity explained.
As we walked off, I muttered to myself "the sun takes a dim view of people who mock her?" at the time it made no sense.
But as I got older, I finally understood what that evil toad woman meant. So Timmy (I looked at my grandson), always mind your manners, and don't poke fun at strange looking people - put that tongue back in your mouth young man!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Sarah Palin best GOP Candidate for 2012

Why Sarah Palin is the best GOP candidate for 2012

Here's why I think that Sarah Palin will be the best GOP candidate for 2012.

1) Face it, the woman is attractive. What the United States needs more than anything else is a hot, sexy leader of the free world. I mean seriously, look at our previous track record:
- William Mckinley: Annexation of Hawaii and warring on the people of the Philippines, made Frankenstein's monster look like Brad Pitt
- Woodrow Wilson: Virulent Racist, segregated the Federal Government, Invaded Haiti, Looked like Fred Gwynne's orphaned brother.
- Herbert Hoover: didn't do much notable, but looked like a poor Andy Richter impersonator
- F.D.R. : Married his best guy friend, Eleanor, Firebombed the shit out of Dresden and Japan

Not only is she attractive, but she's not liable to do any of those things.

2) What's the one thing guys always do? Pissing contests, either literal or figuratively. Obviously, she's not going to be able to piss up a wall, so wars are going to be less likely.

3) She knows how to get things done. She got the "Bridge to nowhere" taken care of. The wedding of her daughter to the father of her grandchild? Taken care of. The governorship of Alaska in the bag. She is completely willing and capable of finishing everything she sets her mind to.

4) She's rogue. She's not going to listen to political insiders telling her what to do. She proved that time and again she's willing to stand up to the powers that be.

5) She is getting valuable "face time" in dealing with the liberal media by working as a contributor taking on tough questions and standing firm on her beliefs that she can be a "way better president".

6) With friends like Hank Williams Jr., Rush Limbaugh, and Sean Hannity, Palin has proven that she has the insight, neutrality and knowledge to make the right decisions.

So with that in mind, I humbly suggest that Mrs. Palin run for president in 2012.

What if Earth had Saturn's Rings - Vignette

This one fascinated me, so I got to poking around on the interwebs and found the following video on YouTube.

Now I have to tell you all, I'm no scientist. I can't wrap my head around most concepts beyond the basics, but I'm going to do my best to postulate what might happen.

With Earth having rings like Saturn, they would figure very heavily into the belief systems and physics of the world, with mythologies and religions arising out of the constant presence of the rings.
the space program, if there was one, would probably not be located in Florida anymore, simply due to the fact of Florida being located close to the equator would present more debris that would have to be maneuvered around, which is a difficult prospect when you're going thousands of miles an hour.
The places that the rings fall across the world would more than likely suffer extended winters or cooling trends that could blight the landscape or prevent farming.

I sense a story idea....

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The Man that Caught Fanlear

The Man that Caught Fanlear

Announcer: Tonight on Biograph, he was a crazed man: by day, helping run a hardware warehouse, selling cheap plastic crap on the side. But by night, a crazy monster who loved to kill hookers with his bare hands. .

Announcer: He was a man obsessed: by day, he worked at the same warehouse, b.s.'ing his way through the day; but by night, he drank. And whored, and drank some more.

Announcer: How this hard drinking anti-social misogynist uncovered, and captured the murderous sociopath is a story ripped from the headlines of the trashiest tabloids - and even then, it's stretching the realms of believability. Tonight on Biograph.

Announcer: The story of Shay Fanlear before he joined the ranks of Shlowbo's Hardware Warehouse is one of pure conjecture and postulation. From what we have heard, Fanlear worked at a rival warehouse, but was forced to quit after a very public breakdown: a breakdown involving a vacuum cleaner, utility knives, and a dismembered monkey.

Announcer: Joe Alberthon was Fanlear's supervisor.
Alberthon: it was the craziest thing, Fanlear was running around with a vacuum cleaner attachment taped to a utility knife. Every time someone would try and get close to him, he would try and stab them. It got worse when he started cutting up the monkey. He was hacking pieces off and shouting "There's no right way to eat a rhesus!"

Announcer: After a stay at a local hospital, Fanlear began at Schlowbo's, rising through the ranks of management. To all appearances, he was a model employee. But what was going on after work?
According to police, Fanlear would go out, pick up prostitutes, and ritually slaughter them with his bare hands.

Announcer: At the same time, Budd Leggin, was spending his time loafing around, annoying his fellow employees, and verbally abusing his girlfriend. After work, he would usually go to his house and begin to throw drink after drink down his throat, verbally assaulting passersby and exposing himself to his posters of beer girls. How he discovered the secret of Fanlear's hideous game remains a mystery.

Leggin: "Listen, you're in the way, man. We're trying to play beer pong here" "I was just out wandering around in a drunken fog, mainly because I couldn't find my keys, and I hear this horrible scream, and I find this half naked dude covered in blood. I threw up after that, and fell down and apparently called the cops when I butt dialed. When I woke up, the cops were there, they had Fanlear in custody, and they were saying I was a hero. I dunno, I got pissed off when they wouldn't give me more alcohol."

Announcer: A highly unlikely story, told by a souse. Is it possible that he's telling the truth, or is this the drunken hallucinations of an unlikely hero? That is really for you to decide. For Biograph, this is Anonymous Announcer, saying good night.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Three Buck Chuck - The Rage

So, I just found out that we can't get "Three Buck Chuck" anywhere in the valley. W.T.F. I mean seriously, why can we not get tasty yet cheap wine here? What, are we too f'ing high brow to carry this stuff? I guess not - No, we have crap like Plum Creek, or Grand Vally Vineyards that we have to get high quality not so cheap wine from.
If we're lucky, we might be able to get some Night Train, Thunderbird, or if we're lucky perhaps some Ripple. Listen, if it's gonna be cheap, it needs to be nasty. If this is all you can afford, why enjoy it? The whole point of cheap wine is to get your ASS TORE UP! You're not supposed to be sitting around a table, sucking bits of dinner out from your teeth while rinsing with cheap wine, you're supposed to be on a GODDAMN PARK BENCH WITH A BOTTLE IN A BAG, PUNISHING YOUR LIVER!
Granted, three dollars for a bottle of wine, anything would taste good, but you always get what you paid for, even if it goes down nice - more than likely, it's gonna come up (or out)a lot worse. From what I've seen of this "three buck chuck" it's smooth, tasty and cheap. However, it also likes to stain the teeth. If it stains the teeth, I would hate to think about the color the hairs around your butt are gonna be after that stuff comes out.
I know punk rockers were always into dying their hair, I just never realized they meant "all" their hair. Feesh... Fighting the system is one thing, tie-dying your ass hairs because you found a deal on wine is completely different! If you really wanted to shake things up, I would go into Radio Shack, get a megaphone, crank that puppy up, and FART! If I'm feeling really froggy, I drink that wine first, whip down my pants, and surprise people with my purple hair, while I serenade them with gastro-intestinal effluvium.
Holy hell, I just used the term "gastro-intestinal effluvium in a sentence - where the hell did my sense of moral turpitude go? Holy hell that makes me just...... ggggrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>Section deleted due to gratuitous language serving no purpose<
Well, I feel better now... Back to what I was talking about.... three buck chuck. Sounds like something you would find at a butcher's shop. Come to think about it, that would be some damn good chuck - mix it with some cheap wine, you got yourself a meal.
Damnit, why the hell can't we get this cheap ass wine here in the valley? Now, I'm hungry, and getting thirsty, and I want good beef and cheap wine. This is bullshit! Not only that, but I just read back over this post, and it's nothing but random ranting and fart jokes! Son-of-a-bitch! I'm gonna hit something!

The worst part?
I don't drink wine - can't stand the stuff.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Why is it better on the edge?

Why? is it better on the edge

I'm guessing that you mean "why is it better on the edge". Well, I suppose it has something to do with some sort of sense of danger, or freedom. This is of course as opposed to being firmly on the surface, well away from the edge.
Unless we're talking sanity, or patience, or the need to pick up a large fish and slap someone with it - repeatedly... especially around the head and neck area, working the underside of the chin and behind the ears for good measure.
If that's the case, I would suggest the recipient of the aforementioned fish abuse get a skillet, heated to a medium heat, with some melted butter or light olive oil, and attempt to catch said fish and cook it.

Anyways, back to the whole "edge" thing... Being where the poster lives, being on the edge is an exhilarating experience, but only if the kids stay back far enough that you don't have to worry about them leaning over the edge.
This place is incredible - there's what, like, a billion foot drop into this canyon that is just absolutely gorgeous, no sight of town at all, just you and the wind, and a almost assured lethal freefall - until you slam into the canyon wall.
The greatest part? being away from civilization.

I know, I know, this wasn't an hour, but I just finished revisions, and I'm freakin' tired. I still have to get up before the butt-crack of dawn for work as well.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Women and why they drive us to an early grave....

For some reason, it seems strangely fitting that the first "official" post of this experiment would be about women. SO.... here we go....
Women and why they drive us to an early grave

Since the dawn of time, men and women have had an undefinable need to be with each other - call it base animal needs, procreation desires, or just good old companionship, men and women need each other. Now, before any of you "progressive" types start getting your panties in a twist, This is purely for the sake of argument - I'm not discounting same sex relationships, nor am I condemning them, so of my closest friends have been gay.
Anyways.... where was I.... oh yeah....
Regardless of this need to be together, there has always been a darker, less pleasant side to these relationships - namely, the fact that those we love are usually the ones who kill us the quickest.
Why is this? Honestly, there are many schools of thought on this matter: stress, animosity, accidents, brain-washing, life insurance policies... take your pick.
Most of those are self explanatory, but probably the one that is the most horrible and insidious is the simple fact that (especially those who are married or in long term relationships) loving someone kills you.
Rather twisted, huh?
The one person you swore an oath of fealty to, to be there for, and to protect - and you're killing yourself - worrying about their well being, if they're happy and healthy - if they still care for you like you care for them. Not to mention that if you manage to live to a ripe old age, you die on them. Jesus, you are not only a liar, but a heartless son of a bitch...
But I suppose that at the same time, all those years that you spend with your significant other are the best years, so I suppose you can be forgiven for putting them through all that hell.
Wait... what? Kinda got off topic there for a second...
I guess the simple fact of the matter is that the more you love someone, the more you worry about that person, causing increased stress on your body, which in turn shortens your lifespan.
Now, if you have drama in your life, that increases your stress even more, not to mention the fact that the possibility of dying from lead poisoning increases exponentially.
So, my point is, if you love someone, it's gonna kill you, but the alternative can be much, much worse.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Writing Experiment is Go!

Alrighty folks,

I have gotten to a place where I can finally get this fiasco-waiting-to-happen rollin'. I'm sure many of you have questions as to why I'm doing this. Well, to tell the truth, I really don't know. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now that it's actually happening, I'm sitting here, going "oh holy hell, what was I thinking?"
Oh well, such is the way I tend to do things - run into it screaming like crazy, only to come running back out with Imperial Stormtroopers on my ass. So, how does this work? Glad you asked, here to talk about it is my good friend, Billy May's Ghost...

"Thank you Nathan! I appreciate that! By now, you're probably reading this in my voice! Little eerie huh? At least I'm not that washout Vince from the Sham-Wow commercials! Thieving little prick! Anyways, I'm here today to tell you about an amazing opportunity! That's right! You! It's Called Nathan's Writing Experiment, and it is so easy, a five year old can do it! Here's how it works! First, you go to this site! Don't worry! It's legitimate! You then post a message stating what you would like him to write about! Nathan will then get onto the site, pick the first entry for the day, and write about it! So simple, a NBC programming executive could do it without kicking Conan O'Brien of the air! Ah, damn it! The Ghostbusters just pulled up! I've got to go, but just remember! This is a limited time offer - Telling a writer what to write for one hour a day - yours if you act now!"

Wow... that... was... interesting. Not only that, but that was just a small sample of what you might see when you participate. This is not a closed site, anyone can access it (as far as I know - don't quote me), and I will write what you guys post. If you want, you can also follow the experiment on Twitter, just plug @nathswritingexp into your twitter client, and when I post something new, It'll tweet my latest thing.

Think of the possibilities: breakdown of world news, comedy, observations on daily occurrences, the wails of agony that come from spellcheck everytime I write, media reviews, whatever you can think of, I will write. The more you guys give me, the more entertaining this will be, and just think - when this gets on the news, you can say "Hey, I've been part of that - and misquoted! who the hell does this guy think he is?"

With that in mind, I bid you all a good night, and get those suggestions rolling!