Monday, January 25, 2010
FBI Profile of Nathan
What follows is an excerpt from the profile for Nathan >name redacted<
The subject is wanted for questioning in several bizarre events that have occurred over the previous five years.
NAME: Nathan >name redacted<
DATES OF BIRTH USED: 2 December, 18 March, 17 April, 23 November, 12 June, 31 February
AGE: Mid 30's
ALIASES: Nathan, Nate, 'El Jeffe', 'The Skate', 'Coco', 'Murderface', Denise
HAIR: Brown, may be bald, long, braided, woven, dyed, or inverted
EYES: Blue, Green, Brown, Orange, may be blind
PLACE OF BIRTH: United States
HEIGHT: 6' 3" (7' 4" when intoxicated)
WEIGHT: 230 lbs (fluctuates when intoxicated, or fed)
COMPLEXION: Scary enough to frighten the tits off a moose
SEX: Varies based on mood
BUILD: Top heavy
RACE: Undefined (possibly canine)
SCARS AND MARKS: Tattoo on left shoulder of cartoon chipmunk. Tattoo on right forearm of scroll with text reading "born to ruffle feathers". Tattoo on chest that reads "This space for rent". Tattoo on lower back of text that states "Hell yeah, that's my tramp stamp". Tattoo on inner left thigh with text that states "Pull chord for service".
Scars on left knee from surgery in 2003. Scars on back from spine removal surgery.
REMARKS: >name redacted< is a known square dance caller and malcontent who delights in shaving chickens and making dogs wear pants. Was associated with the fatal pie fight wars of Sheboygan in 1999. Accused of farting in church on a regular basis, and then blaming it on the altar boy. Enjoys throwing stale bagels at homeless people while singing rude sea shanties and wearing leather chaps on a stick horse. >name redacted< has connections with various gangs and clown colleges, and is known to frequent farms and animal shelters.
WARNING NATHAN >name redacted< SHOULD BE CONSIDERED ARMED AND EXTREMELY CRAZY. IF YOU ENCOUNTER HIM, DO NOT APPROACH. ATTEMPT TO BREAK OF CONTACT AS FAST AS POSSIBLE, AND CALL LOCAL AUTHORITIES. >name redacted< ALWAYS CARRIES A BATTERY OPERATED SHAVING KIT, AND SMALL PANTS.