Monday, January 18, 2010

Three Buck Chuck - The Rage

So, I just found out that we can't get "Three Buck Chuck" anywhere in the valley. W.T.F. I mean seriously, why can we not get tasty yet cheap wine here? What, are we too f'ing high brow to carry this stuff? I guess not - No, we have crap like Plum Creek, or Grand Vally Vineyards that we have to get high quality not so cheap wine from.
If we're lucky, we might be able to get some Night Train, Thunderbird, or if we're lucky perhaps some Ripple. Listen, if it's gonna be cheap, it needs to be nasty. If this is all you can afford, why enjoy it? The whole point of cheap wine is to get your ASS TORE UP! You're not supposed to be sitting around a table, sucking bits of dinner out from your teeth while rinsing with cheap wine, you're supposed to be on a GODDAMN PARK BENCH WITH A BOTTLE IN A BAG, PUNISHING YOUR LIVER!
Granted, three dollars for a bottle of wine, anything would taste good, but you always get what you paid for, even if it goes down nice - more than likely, it's gonna come up (or out)a lot worse. From what I've seen of this "three buck chuck" it's smooth, tasty and cheap. However, it also likes to stain the teeth. If it stains the teeth, I would hate to think about the color the hairs around your butt are gonna be after that stuff comes out.
I know punk rockers were always into dying their hair, I just never realized they meant "all" their hair. Feesh... Fighting the system is one thing, tie-dying your ass hairs because you found a deal on wine is completely different! If you really wanted to shake things up, I would go into Radio Shack, get a megaphone, crank that puppy up, and FART! If I'm feeling really froggy, I drink that wine first, whip down my pants, and surprise people with my purple hair, while I serenade them with gastro-intestinal effluvium.
Holy hell, I just used the term "gastro-intestinal effluvium in a sentence - where the hell did my sense of moral turpitude go? Holy hell that makes me just...... ggggrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>Section deleted due to gratuitous language serving no purpose<
Well, I feel better now... Back to what I was talking about.... three buck chuck. Sounds like something you would find at a butcher's shop. Come to think about it, that would be some damn good chuck - mix it with some cheap wine, you got yourself a meal.
Damnit, why the hell can't we get this cheap ass wine here in the valley? Now, I'm hungry, and getting thirsty, and I want good beef and cheap wine. This is bullshit! Not only that, but I just read back over this post, and it's nothing but random ranting and fart jokes! Son-of-a-bitch! I'm gonna hit something!

The worst part?
I don't drink wine - can't stand the stuff.


Anonymous said...

Hi Nate, I'm a librarian friend of your mom & dad's from NY and your dad had sent me the link to join your missives. So far, so good! We have Trader Joe's near us but they don't sell the wine; I guess it's prohibited to do that in CT, which is where the store is.

Keep up the good work!
Susan Riley

Your Learless Feader said...

Thank you for your kind words Susan, it's people like you who make it worthwhile!