Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Infomercial from Hell (NSFW)

In the next half hour, we're going to tell you about an amazing new device that will save you thousands of dollars in doctor's visits, and can be completed in the privacy of your own home!

>pans through crowd<

That's right, the man who brought you such items as the "Beer Goggle Safety Device" and "Dutch Oven in a Can" is back, with his greatest invention yet!

Applause, scattered hollers

But first, we want to bring out someone who has really benefited from this new labor saving device! Please give a warm welcome to former Vice-President... DICK CHENEY!

cheers and applauds loudly

>walks onto stage, looking slightly uncomfortable and malevolent< Yes, thank you! Thank you! That's very kind! I have to tell you, I first met our mutual friend when Lil' George was still in office, and I have to tell you, if it wasn't for his inventions, I would have shot a lawyer in the face! >laughs<

Appreciative laugh

But seriously folks, I have to tell you - if it was not for this man that I'm introducing, Congress would have really been blocked up. Fortunately, with the help of the device we're going to talk about, we were able to get the government unblocked and flowing freely.


Now without further ado, I give you the man who singlehandedly saved the American people from a log jamb of epic proportions: Juuuudd Eeeegaaaaaannnnnnn!

>Tall, goofy looking guy comes stumbling onto stage< Whoa... almost spilled my beer >looks at hands, confused, then looks back off stage< HEY! where'd my beer go? Oh? >points off stage< you got it? >flashes a thumbs up< thanks! >looks around< Whoa, where the hell did you all come from?

Judd, why don't you come on over here and tell us all about your latest invention.

My wha-? >looks slightly confused<

>clenches teeth< your invention >smiles malevolently<

>looking confused still< my invention? >understanding dawns< Oh! Right! Invention! >sways over to table<

So, Judd, what can you tell us about this new device?

Well Dick, This has got to be my best invention to date. Why it alone helped clear the log jamb in congress a couple of years ago.

>looking downright predatory< Yes, I've already explained that to the audience. Why don't you tell us what it is?

Tell who what is?

>Fierce whisper< your goddamn invention!

oh, right...


So! Either I'm here by court order to tell you about the hazards of drinking and driving, or I'm here of my own free will to tell you about my new device! >squints at audience< you look a little old to be in high school, so I must be selling my new labor saving device! >stares at audience<

>leans over< restitution is tomorrow.

Riiiigghhhhttt..... So, he're my new device. How many of you are closing in on the age of forty? >counts fingers, looses count, starts again. Looses count again, starts pointing at hands while counting<

>reaches over and pushes down Eggen's hand<

>whispers< dude! not cool! >normal voice< How many of you have gone in for a colonoscopy? Well, with my new device, you no longer have to worry about some strange doctor getting friendly without buying dinner and a movie first. >reached down and pulls up a device< This, is the Judd Eggen Home Rectal Exam Kit.

uneasy applause, mutters

that's right folks, with this little device, you can perform those embarrassing and humiliating rectal exams yourself, in the privacy of your own home! No more having to set up an appointment, traveling to the doctor's office, waiting in an uncomfortable chair only to have some strange doctor get to know you from the inside out. Now, you can experience that sense of personal violation in your own home, both with and by yourself! Here's Steve with more!

That's right Judd! The Judd Eggen Home Rectal Exam is the most cutting edge device in America for Home Rectal Exams. Never before has your colorectal health been so easy to find out yourself. All it takes is five easy steps, as illustrated by this video.

>cuts to video of actor who looks like Judd<

Step 1: drink the specially formulated cleanser.

>Actor drinks stuff down, smacks his lips<

Let the California Cherry flavor wash over you as it begins it's magic almost immediately.

>Actor looking bored gets shocked, uncomfortable look on face and races off screen; pan to clock on wall stating 2 p.m.<

After your system has managed to completely clean itself out, >shot of clock now saying 11 p.m.< it's time for a good night's rest!

>Cut to actor passed out on toilet<

The second day, set up the machine >Actor starts unfolding box like a Transformer< once it is all set up, strap in, and click the "Start" button.

>Actor climbs into apparatus naked, and gets into position with ass sticking out<

The device will take care of the rest! >front shot of actors face, with rear sticking up in background - arm comes out of machine with latex glove on, doing something to actor's posterior; second arm comes out with 1980's style video camera and makes motions like camera is being stuffed. Camera pans back to cables coming down between actor's legs to television near by<

now all you do is watch the television while the camera probes your cavity, looking for polyps, ulcers or misplaced die cast cars.

>actor looks concerned< Uh-oh! looks like we have a blockage of some sort! >Television just shows black mass, due to poor lighting<

After your scan is complete, just relax while the computer tabulates your test results.

>Cut to computer screen looking at printout; one mechanical hand is holding paper, while other hand scratches top of monitor case like it is thinking.<

>cut to actor, still strapped in<

According to the tests, you're in perfect health, but it appears that you haven't been eating enough roughage lately.

>cut to actor, looking sheepish<

that's quite alright, because now, Judd's Home Rectal Exam kit comes with a free Arse-Whisk! That's right, for those stubborn blockages that refuse to move on their own, we have included our patent pending Arse-whisk to fight constipation! And if that wasn't enough, we teamed up with the industry leader in small buffing, grinding and polishing tools.....D- due to leagl wrangling, we've been asked to not state the name of the company until the lawsuit has been resolved.

>flashes picture of tool<

So order today!

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