Thursday, November 25, 2010

Gobble Gobble Motherf***ker!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Hope your turkey day was spent with friends and family, and you had a great time, as well as a great meal. Melissa and I just finished watching the first Thanksgiving themed horror movie we've ever heard of, and I just relish the thought of telling you about it.

Anyways, as you can see from the picture, it's called Thankskilling. If the title wasn't enough of a give away, it tells the age old tale of a group of college kids (who just happen to be in their late twenties to early thirties), who are on their way back to their home town for the Thanksgiving holiday. Along the way, their car breaks down, and they hear the story of an ancient indian curse that causes a demon turkey to rise up every 505 years to kill white men. Apparently at the first Thanksgiving feast, one of the main character's ancestors royally pissed off an indian shaman (what exactly the original offense was is never stated, but I imagine it has something to do with the pilgrim banging the girl the indian was in to). This indian shaman was supposedly the most awesome badass spell caster around, soooo he summoned a demon turkey to exact revenge.
Now, I don't know about you, but a demon turkey just isn't that scary - at least the thought of a demon turkey doesn't frighten me. It might scare the shit out of PETA activists, but I think that would be more on general principle than anything else.
Anyways, We started the movie, and the first thing you see are tits. Fuly exposed, older tits that are wobbling and swaying and bouncing around while this older woman (who does 'mature' porn - I swear her IMDB listing reads like a menu from an adult book store) is running through the woods, trying to pull off the impossible task of emoting fear. Finally, she stumbles and falls, only to turn herself over, and see what ever is chasing her. The camera cuts to a rediculous looking turkey (that looks like a standby for Triumph the Insult Comic Dog).
The turkey then says "Nice tits, bitch!" and then hacks her with an axe. We then cut to the opening credits.
I'll spare you the gory details of the movie (which allegedly cost $3500 to make - and it shows), but to make it worth your while, here's some of the highlights from this movie.

- A hillbilly character who looks like a cross between Sean Astin (Samwise Gamgee) and Bulk from the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers.
- Sparkling Dialog:
- I'm gonna drink your blood like cranberry sauce, you meanie!
- Johnny, I'm sorry for the things I said last night. I guess I'm a little beaked- er, freaked out.
- We've got to find a way to kill this cock-blockin' turkey!
- Wow! That took forever! Uh, guys, it was only five minutes.
- Gobble, Gobble, motherfucker! (my personal favorite)
- (after the turkey kills one of the kids) Now that's what I call fowl play!
- Recycled punch lines (seriously - word for word)
- And who can forget raunchy turkey sex, complete with extra small gravy flavored condoms?

Is this a good movie? By any definition of the word, absolutely, without a doubt, NO. This is a festering pile of turkey shit, but the actors go at it with such aplomb and no illusions as to the overall quality of the movie, so it does score quite a few points in the 'tongue in cheek kitsch' department.
Is it worth watching? Hell yeah. At least once, but only on Thanksgiving.