Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The Man that Caught Fanlear

The Man that Caught Fanlear

Announcer: Tonight on Biograph, he was a crazed man: by day, helping run a hardware warehouse, selling cheap plastic crap on the side. But by night, a crazy monster who loved to kill hookers with his bare hands. .

Announcer: He was a man obsessed: by day, he worked at the same warehouse, b.s.'ing his way through the day; but by night, he drank. And whored, and drank some more.

Announcer: How this hard drinking anti-social misogynist uncovered, and captured the murderous sociopath is a story ripped from the headlines of the trashiest tabloids - and even then, it's stretching the realms of believability. Tonight on Biograph.

Announcer: The story of Shay Fanlear before he joined the ranks of Shlowbo's Hardware Warehouse is one of pure conjecture and postulation. From what we have heard, Fanlear worked at a rival warehouse, but was forced to quit after a very public breakdown: a breakdown involving a vacuum cleaner, utility knives, and a dismembered monkey.

Announcer: Joe Alberthon was Fanlear's supervisor.
Alberthon: it was the craziest thing, Fanlear was running around with a vacuum cleaner attachment taped to a utility knife. Every time someone would try and get close to him, he would try and stab them. It got worse when he started cutting up the monkey. He was hacking pieces off and shouting "There's no right way to eat a rhesus!"

Announcer: After a stay at a local hospital, Fanlear began at Schlowbo's, rising through the ranks of management. To all appearances, he was a model employee. But what was going on after work?
According to police, Fanlear would go out, pick up prostitutes, and ritually slaughter them with his bare hands.

Announcer: At the same time, Budd Leggin, was spending his time loafing around, annoying his fellow employees, and verbally abusing his girlfriend. After work, he would usually go to his house and begin to throw drink after drink down his throat, verbally assaulting passersby and exposing himself to his posters of beer girls. How he discovered the secret of Fanlear's hideous game remains a mystery.

Leggin: "Listen, you're in the way, man. We're trying to play beer pong here" "I was just out wandering around in a drunken fog, mainly because I couldn't find my keys, and I hear this horrible scream, and I find this half naked dude covered in blood. I threw up after that, and fell down and apparently called the cops when I butt dialed. When I woke up, the cops were there, they had Fanlear in custody, and they were saying I was a hero. I dunno, I got pissed off when they wouldn't give me more alcohol."

Announcer: A highly unlikely story, told by a souse. Is it possible that he's telling the truth, or is this the drunken hallucinations of an unlikely hero? That is really for you to decide. For Biograph, this is Anonymous Announcer, saying good night.

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