Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Robert, I hate you... AKA Writing experiment day 2

Midget Lesbian neo-Nazis and the Men Who Love Them

Host: "Today we interview Midget lesbian neo-Nazis and the men who love them. After these messages, we'll get right into the thick of it."
Announcer: "We'll be back to The Varg Discussions after these messages."

Announcer: "Now back to The Varg Discussions with your host Vaaaaaaarg Viiiiikeeeeeerneesssssss!>peppy background music plays<
Varg: >stomps onto stage with microphone in hand, painted up in death metal colors< TURN THAT SH*T OFF! >music cuts out abruptly< ALRIGHT YOU MUTANTS, MY NAME IS VARG VIKERNES AND YOU ARE ALL PUKES!
Crowd: >whistles, hollers, yells<
Varg: >Glares at the camera< Now today, all of my guests have something in common. Not only are they neo-nazis >Throws devil horns hand sign<, but... they are also midgets... >throws devil horns again< and... they're LESBIANS! F*CK YEAH! >Head Bangs for a minute< Also, we've got the panty-waste puke douche-bags that love them. >Flips the bird<
>stomps across the stage<
Now my first guest is an anti-Semitic little tart who ended up single-handedly firebombing a synagogue while making love to a one-legged circus performer and spray-painting swastikas on a group of bound and shaved rabbis. Please give a totally brutal welcome to Adolphina Metzger!
Crowd: >wolf whistles, yells<
Adolphina: Heil Varg!
Varg: Heil Herr Metzger. So tell us a little bit about yourself...
Adolphina: I have always loved women, from when I was a little girl who would wander through secret mass graves, I always found the female form so sensual. I especially like the way the firelight from a synagogue plays across the naked curves of a woman's body as we join together in an erotic display for the fourth Reich. I do not like jews, blacks, protestants, communists, gypsies or any inferior races. I do however have a weakness for handicapped women.
Varg: You have an admirer, do you not?
Adolphina: >gets serious< Yes... he is some dumkopf who I met at a book burning several years ago. He just happened to have a copy of a filthy jew's book by the name of Angela's Ashes - which was based on a bunch of lies that the United States perpetrated after the Fatherland was defeated. I pointed out to him that I despised that book and he made a bad joke about fires and ashes. Being polite, I laughed.
Varg: Well, let's invite this garbage out here. >looks at card< no F*CKING WAY! >looks off screen< ar- ar- are you serious? >drops head for a moment< Alright.... HERE'S ØYSTEIN AARSETH!
>Aarseth walks onto stage looking meek<
Aarseth: Hi Varg...
Varg: F*ck you! What the hell do you have to say for yourself? Huh?
Aarseth: >looks at Adolphina< Adolphina... I love you... I can give you everything... I want to be with y-
Adolphina: Look you non-aryan pile of sh*t, I told you before, you have nothing that I want!
Aarseth: I'll renounce my heritage!
Varg: What? What do you mean by that?
Aarseth: I''m Jewish!
Varg: >Howls unintelligably and grabs a knife< YOU BASTARD!!!!! >Charges at Aarseth with knife<

Announcer: We'll be back to the show after Varg gets out of prison.... again

1 comment:

Your Learless Feader said...

I suppose some background is in order for this post - (From Wikipedia - the free encyclopedia) Varg Vikernes (Norwegian pronunciation: [ˈvarɡ ˈviːkeɳes]; born 11 February 1973 near Bergen, Norway) is a Norwegian black metal musician, convicted murderer and arsonist, and former far-right political activist. In 1991 Vikernes conceived the one-man music project Burzum, which quickly became popular within the early Norwegian black metal scene. In 1992 he joined the band Mayhem and adopted the stage name Count Grishnackh. Around this time he became affiliated with the Heathen Front and authored several underground writings on Germanic neopaganism.[1] In Metal: A Headbanger's Journey, director Sam Dunn described Vikernes as "the most notorious metal musician of all time".[2]

In 1994 Vikernes was convicted of the murder of his Mayhem bandmate Øystein Aarseth, known by his stage name Euronymous. Vikernes was further convicted of four counts of arson involving the burnings of historic churches, and was sentenced to 21 years in prison. Having served almost 16 years of a 21-year prison sentence, it was announced on March 10, 2009 that Vikernes would be released on parole.[3] On May 22, 2009 Vikernes confirmed that he has been released.[4]