Wednesday, February 24, 2010

ET - Seriously WTF!?

So I was sitting on the couch tonight, prowling the interwebs and half-listening to the tele, mainly just letting the noise create background music, waiting for the olympics to start back up. As with most commercials, you have the filler crap for sitcoms or dramas or that rat bastard whose name I will not mention who gets his damn show back (alright, enough of that).
I'm zoning out, the noise in the background, and an ad for Entertainment Tonight comes on: Edwards' sex tape, blah, blah, blah, Queens of Alice in Wonderland, blah, blah, blah, Charlie Sheen in Rehab, blah, blah, blah, Tiger's Children, blah, blah, blah, Jo Frost sticking her nose where it probably shouldn't be, blah, blah, blah, and then [SERIOUS TONE] Animal Attacks - see what happens when wild animals kept as pets attack their owners! {immediately followed by} [LIGHTHEARTED TONE] Former Baywatch Beauty was overweight, can she get back into the red swimsuit?
I don't know what happened - I just lost it. I started frothing at the mouth, my eyes got that crazy color changing thing that used to happen to Kaa from the Jungle Book and this inhuman, otherworldly voice started screaming...
"What the hell is that shit!? I mean, seriously! How they hell can they sleep at night? Are you shitting me? [SERIOUS VOICE] ANIMAL ATTACKS! [LIGHTHEARTED TONE] Former Baywatch bouncer too fucking fat!"
As I slowly regained my senses, I realized that a) I had some strange sort of disconnect, b) Entertainment Tonight is full of fail and bad editing and c) I had just taught my three boys some new vocabulary that I will spend the next two weeks trying to get them to stop repeating in front of parents, police and priests, d) Apparently when I get really offended (holy crap, I'm getting offended! I'm getting old! Nothing used to offend me!), my wife finds it absolutely hysterical.
So now I'm fuming over the fact that the digital equivalent of a Cleavland Steamer has been dropped in my living room, and Melissa is laughing like a ten year old at a fart convention, and I have no clue as to what she finds so funny.
This gets me to thinking about what was so wrong with the program in the first place.
One: Why the hell is ET showing video of any type of animal attacks right around dinner time, when most families are either crowded around the television, eating dinner with the television on, or crowded around dinner with the television at the table?
Two: Why in the world would anyone think that an actress who was "overweight" at one point in time be a nice segue from violent, vicious animals attacks into lighter fare? They show video of her wearing the Baywatch swimsuit, focusing on her ass, and all I can see is a lion coming out of nowhere and taking a bite out of that ass.
Three: This stuff is so inane in the first place, I don't know why anyone would want to talk to them in the first place unless you are either broke, an attention whore, clueless, or no moral compass whatsoever. Apparently, everyone on that show has all the above... in spades.
So, how do we combat this encroaching vapidity and intellectual bankruptcy?
two words: 80's music.
You know you wanna.....

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