Monday, February 8, 2010

Personal Grooming 2: Rise of the Neckbeards

We've all seen them before. They're there lurking at the fringes of the video rental store, or occasionally peeking over the shelves at the bookstore. Most often, they're found in their lairs (either the parent's basement or the local gaming store), obsessing over the latest user-input distraction (read video game), their personal pr0n boxes (read PC), or crafting their very own fantasy worlds where they're god-kings with young, attractive, nubile members of the opposite sex falling all over themselves to join up with this paragon of testosterone.
I'm talking of course, about those social rejects often referred to as nerds.
Nerds have enjoyed a huge surge of popularity over the past decade or so, simply due to the fact that we have gone (as a society) from industry based mouth breathers to technology based rescue inhaler breathers. Allegedly, there is something incredibly sexy about pasty white skin, sunken chests, social retardation, and a crippling inability to carry on any sort of meaningful relationship with a REAL WOMAN that aforementioned women find irresistible.
So what is a member of the nerdcore to do when he is suddenly confronted with real life boobs?
Originally, they would panic, break out into sweat, stutter uncontrollably, and quickly run away, only to find some dark corner of their room to mentally review the boobage while having a meaningful relationship with themselves.
For many years, nerds relied on ill-fitting, outdated clothes rescued from their parents closets. When that stopped chasing women off, nerds went on the offensive, and taking a cue from the war in Vietnam, developed Body Odor. Now, normal body odor can cause a nose to wrinkle, but in the hands of a true nerd, the odor takes on a whole new dimension - one that has been carefully cultivated with a steady diet of fast food, dark places, pr0n and growth beds based solely on the same clothes being worn for weeks at a time. By the time a nerd has cultivated their own unique funk, this new Body Odor (notice the capitals) has the ability to not only singe the hairs in your nose, but can also peel the paint off of a new car. Combined with Proto-Offensive Halitosis, the modern nerd is indeed a formidable force for self-bleaching of the gene pool.
Today's nerds however, have developed an insidious new tool to chase off even the most ardent suitors. Through genetic manipulation, many nerds have actually managed to survive puberty, and have managed to develop hair where normally it wouldn't grow. Specifically, the neck.
Lo! The neckbeard! The most disgusting growth of fur on the male body. Granted the beard has long been a staple of nerddom, but many nerds had the foresight to grab a razor and trim the beast back into shape. However, a new crop of ubernerds has discovered that by cultivating the neckbeard, not only do they keep their adam's apple warm, but they also manage to reduce their sex appeal to negative nill. For example:

This is actually a cross between a neckbeard and a chinstrap. So, double chances of getting women to love on him.

Do me a favor, If you see the neckbeard, grab a razor, charge the wearer, and scream at the top of your lungs "I HAVE TO SHAVE THAT PARASITE OFF OF YOUR NECK!" while swinging the razor.
Believe me, after he recovers, he will thank you vigorously for giving him his sex life back.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go shave.

1 comment:

Melissa said...

Thank you for shaving! No neck beards in this house!