Friday, February 12, 2010

Whale Bites and their effect on Sea Donkeys

Announcer: Tonight, on Undersea Explorer, we examine the unpredictable and stubborn Sea Donkey.
>Intro sequence, music<

Announcer: First discovered in the late 1800's by belligerent Portuguese Sailors, the aquass or "sea donkey" is a mystifying creature that to this day is still barely understood. A very distant cousin to the manatee or "sea cow" the aquass resembles an actual donkey the way a certain former Alaskan governor resembles a coherent, intelligent, well put together politician.
>footage of ugly creature swimming through water<

Announcer: The earliest records of the aquass describe the creature as being smart and helpful.

Voice actor: Today, we saw another of those majestic creatures - Pio claimed they were stubborn creatures, but I could see a fierce resolve in their eyes. One even came close enough for me to touch - its skin was wet, yet supple, and its back looked like it could take a heavy pack for gold mining.
>show plays for a while<

Announcer: The one thing that scientists have discovered is that while not a natural enemy of whales, the aquass tends to respond negatively when bitten by these large mammals - No two reactions are ever the same, but scientists have recorded instances where an aquass was bitten by a wright whale. Escaping from the large aggressor, the aquass swam along for a moment, and then rapidly expanded in girth and diameter, only to expel a vast quantity of air, shooting off into the distance "Much like a balloon when let go before tied off" one viewer was quoted as saying.
In another instance, a killer whale nipped an aggressive Aquass, which in turn prompted it to stare at its attacker for several minutes before apparently breaking down into a sobbing fit in which it could not be consoled for ten minutes. Still, probably the most disturbing event was when a giant sperm whale bit into an aquass, not realizing that it was even there... scientists watched in horrified fascination as the aquass began a horrfying transformation.

Nameless Scientist: It was awful. This aquass was miding it's own business when this whale comes out of nowhere, takes a bite out of it, and swims off - no apology, no nothing. The Aquass is floating in the water, when suddenly, it starts turning green and growing in size. After what seemed like forever, This aquass looks like a seriously pissed off underwater version of Lou Ferrigno. It then swam after the whale, beat the whale, pulled some drowned, peg-legged, white bearded dude that was tied to the whale off the damn thing, and ate it!
At that point, I was all like "Dude, we got to get ourselves one of those!" And that's how we ended up sponsoring all those gamma radiation tests with Dr. Bruce Banner.

>show continues<

Announcer: And that's how to avoid making these creatures angry enough to shortsheet your bed while you're in it. For Undersea Explorer, I'm Random faceless announcer, saying good day.

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