Monday, February 22, 2010

Breaking News

Newscaster: Breaking news tonight out of the local school district... Apparently, the Department of Homeland Security has taken several students into custody, along with their teacher. Hello, I'm Winston Taekabow. Today, several students were apparently arrested along with their teacher in what Homeland Security is calling "a sting of epic proportions". Strata Raffia is on site with this report. Strata?

Strata: Thanks, Winston. Apparently, the Department of Homeland Security has been following this cell of students for several months now, in anticipation of something like this happening. As you can see over my shoulder, the school in question where the raid took place. At this time, the suspects, four students and a teacher have been detained and are currently being questioned about their involvement in the incident.

Winston: So, can you tell us what happened?

Strata: Absolutely Winston. Apparently, this morning at approximately 10 a.m. several students burst into a classroom waving a rubber band pistol, several paint ball guns, and water grenades. Witnesses I have spoken with described the scene as one of incredulity, tinged with fear. According to one eyewitness, they came bursting into the room during algebra class, screaming incoherently and waving guns and grenades. At the time, no one could tell if the weapons were real or not.

Winston: What about the suspects, can you tell us anything about them?

Strata: We're still getting preliminary reports, but from what I've been able to find out, it was four students aged between 15 and 17, and a teacher. There is no definitive word yet that the teacher had anything to do with the students, but he has been taken into custody. Since the suspects are all under 18, we are not allowed to release their names, but the teacher is alleged to be Roger Smith, 39. Now, from what we've heard, he is a popular teacher here at the school. He has been teaching English for several years now, and had just started teaching Algebra... hang on Winston, we're getting a live update.... [grabs piece of paper shoved at her from off camera]. The police have officially taken the suspects into custody, and are apparently charging them with some grievous charges. The police chief is holding an impromptu press conference now.

[Cuts to] Police Chief: We appreciate your attentiveness to this situation. I will explain a little of what happened today, and how it will be handled. Our colleagues in Homeland Security tipped us off to a possible threat today, and with their assistance, we were able to thwart a vicious attack on this school. The suspects have been officially arrested in connection with bursting into an Algebra class, brandishing weapons. In a separate incident, the teacher in the room, Mr. Roger Smith, has also been arrested. At this point in time, we are still not sure as to the connection between the two acts, but we're positive that given time, they will be proven to be part of a larger attack.
At this time, the four teens who burst into the Algebra class waving weapons have been charged with 27 counts of disturbing the peace, and four counts each of using weapons of Math Disruption. Mr Smith was captured with a protractor, graphing calculator, and several sharpened pencils. Subsequently, he has been charged with carrying weapons of Math Instruction.

[Cuts away to] Strata: And there you have it. A terrible crime was narrowly avoided today. As more information comes to light, We will update you. Now, Back to you in the studio Winston.

Winston: Thank you Strata. In Nationaly news, Puxatawny Phil had a close encounter with a disgruntled Northerner today.


Sorry to put the pic at the end of the story tonight, but it would have given away the punchline!


Anonymous said...

I dig it.

Roger said...

I'm hoping the rodent came out on the losing end.