Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The most unusual things that have happened in current or previous jobs

I'm sure that most people have horror stories from work experiences in their past that they'll trot out when work discusses. Well, now it's my turn. Please sit back, relax, and feel free to cringe, wince, laugh, or groan as I regale you with some of my more horrifying tales...

*warning* contains animal violence

Colorado Springs, 1995

I was working for a national pizza outfit that was test marketing delivery (I know, shocking... pizza without delivery), and I happened to be one of the guinea pigs. I had been living in Colorado springs for approximately 8 - 9 months at this time, and was still not that familiar with the city.
It was late night, I was the only driver, and I had a delivery that took me out towards the far end of town.
Somehow, I got lost.
Now, when I say "lost", I don't mean "Oh crap, I missed it by three streets", I mean "Oh my holy hell, I'm looking at Denver" sort of lost.
I'll let that sink in for a minute....
Now, that was just the apex of this debacle.... The events on either side of the lights of Denver are just as bad. For starters, I hit a cat. The worst thing that ever happened to me, I hit a freakin' cat - with my tires. The minute I realized what happened, I hit the brakes and started skidding - with my tires. I was absolutely beside myself. I was crying... no I was bawling like a little kid who was just told that Santa Clause wasn't real and he had just murdered Mr. Rodgers.
I couldn't see because I has so much moisture coming out of my eyes, and when you start crying like that, it gets into your nose and it gets really messy. So there I am (finally stopped) tears and snot just streaming down my face, practically hyperventilating, and the odor of burnt rubber and fur permeating the inside of the car.
Finally, I get myself composed, and continue on my way - obviously I'm completely rattled by this point in time (which partially explains why I ended up where I did) and eventually I stopped and saw... The lights of Denver. Finally it sinks in... I'm lost. (Insert your well duh comments now)
I turn around, start back on my way back to Colorado Springs (now, you've got to remember this was before cell phones were ubiquitous, hell beepers will still hot shit) and go shooting through some small town at close to 80 billion miles an hour.
That's when I see the headlights come on.
I was pulled over, with my license, insurance and proof of registration out before the cop could even get turned around. I honestly don't even remember pulling over. I knew I was screwed (at this point in time I had a bench warrant out for my arrest due to failure to appear).
All I wanted was for the cop to take me into custody, call my roommates and spend the night in jail.
As if I was so lucky....
Sheriff comes walking up, screaming and yelling the entire way (I didn't help that I had a 'Bad Cop No Donut' bumper sticker on the back of the car" ). Taking my info, he continued to scream and holler at me, then he walked back to his car. Sighing deeply, I knew that it was just a matter of time before he asked me to step out of the car and put my hands behind my back.
Ten to fifteen minutes later, he comes back up, writes me a ticket, and tells me that the bench warrant only extends to the edge of the county (which is approximately two miles away from my current location). Thanking the cop profusely, I continued on my way, thinking I got off easy.
Wrong again.
Twenty minutes later, I had passed through Franktown and ran out of gas. (Still, no cell phones)
Fortunately, I had a gas can, so I trudged back into Franktown to the only thing that was open - a bar. After trying to get several people to take me to a gas station, or failing that, to my car, I trudged back to my car in the rain.
By now, I knew I was probably fired, so as I got into my car, I dug around for some blankets or something to cover myself with and settled in for the night, figuring I could walk back into town in the morning to get gas.
As I dosed off, I had visions of my boss killing me in increasingly violent and gory ways, I heard a knock on my window. Jerking awake, I looked straight into the light of a flashlight. Blinking furiously, I rolled my window down....
"Are you Nathan?" The cop asked.
Rubbing my eyes, I affirmed that I was.
"Your roommates have been very worried about you." He explained. Over the next couple of minutes, he radioed back to his station explaining what all was going on. "I've let dispatch know that you're safe, and from the sounds of things, someone should be out to get you soon." With that, the cop got back into his car and drove off.
Within half an hour, my roommate showed up, called his triple A contact, who sent out a wrecker with a gas can. We managed to get enough gas in the car that I could make it to a gas station where I was able to fill the tank.
Sure enough, the next day, I got reamed by my boss, and was forced to stay in the store.
The worst part?
That little fiasco seized my engine. I not only lost a good paying job, but my main means of transportation, and a huge amount of pride.


Gilda said...

Oh man! That has got to be the story of all bad job stories! But at least you lived to tell the tale, and a pretty good one at that!

Genrefluent said...

You failed to mention that your roommates called your parents and your poor hysterical mother was a basket case all night from 300 miles away.