Updates to the Writing Experiment

Hello all,

After putting the writing experiment on hold for the weekend to clear my head, I've come to realize that in order to continue, I had to make some changes. While some of these changes run counter to what I had originally anticipated, I feel that they will benefit both the writing experiment as well as you, my faithful readers.

- Effective immediately, I will no longer use the first suggestion I get right off. Instead, from 12am to approximately 10 pm, I will accept any and all writing ideas, and then choose the best one for the day to write about.
The reason I am doing this is partially due to the fact that I tend to solicit at strange times, so 1) many fans are not on when I request; 2) if people feel that they can't get the one slot, they'll stop participating; 3) the more options I have, the better I can write.

- Since I'm getting something from you, I feel as though I should offer something in kind. As I am but a poor struggling writer, the best I can offer at this time is a small image stating that I have chosen your idea for the day; you can post it on your website, your blog, facebook, or if you really want to, you can print it out and post it on your wall.

- I will no longer write seven days a week. This serves several purposes: it allows me some time off to prevent burn out, and I can also chose the idea of the week, which will get another little image to prove how awesome you are.

- Writing prompts need to be more specific: an idea is only as good as its framework: please define some boundaries (ie: a strange mystery = not a good writing prompt. a strange mystery set at a body farm = much better)

- Please do not suggest ideas that require explanation of inside jokes or low brow humor. I can do low-brow well enough on my own, but if it starts out low, it can only go lower, and then everyone feels dirty and violated afterwards... not good.

- Have fun with it! I enjoy writing, I want you to have fun reading it.

- Please tell anyone you know about the writing experiment, the more the merrier!

If you have any suggestions for things I can do with the experiment, or if you want to do a guest spot, please contact me through facebook via Nathan's writing experiment; Twitter via @Nathswritingexp; or through gmail via Nathanswritingexperiment (at) gmail (dot) com. (you'll have to manual the email - cuts down on spam that way)

WTF Story # 2

Oh boy hoh boy hoh boy.... people! people coming to see me! Hoh boy hoh boy hoh boy... I like people. I like when people come to see me. It gets so lonely here, except for when the guy with the fish comes and feeds me, or when I find a big round bouncy thing in the water. Here comes people... hey! where you going? come back! come baaaa- OW! my nose! ergh... why do they put that there? They know that if I get too excited I forget it's there... Oohhhh... more people.... hey! hey! look at me! hey! I may not be fluffy, but I'm cute! Oooh Picture? You'll see how cute I am, hang on a second, I wanna pose for you. What? Big Smile? Big Smile! Heeeeeeeeee!!!!! >click<

The Infomercial from Hell (NSFW)

In the next half hour, we're going to tell you about an amazing new device that will save you thousands of dollars in doctor's visits, and can be completed in the privacy of your own home!

>pans through crowd<

That's right, the man who brought you such items as the "Beer Goggle Safety Device" and "Dutch Oven in a Can" is back, with his greatest invention yet!

Applause, scattered hollers

But first, we want to bring out someone who has really benefited from this new labor saving device! Please give a warm welcome to former Vice-President... DICK CHENEY!

cheers and applauds loudly

>walks onto stage, looking slightly uncomfortable and malevolent< Yes, thank you! Thank you! That's very kind! I have to tell you, I first met our mutual friend when Lil' George was still in office, and I have to tell you, if it wasn't for his inventions, I would have shot a lawyer in the face! >laughs<

Appreciative laugh

But seriously folks, I have to tell you - if it was not for this man that I'm introducing, Congress would have really been blocked up. Fortunately, with the help of the device we're going to talk about, we were able to get the government unblocked and flowing freely.

applauds

Now without further ado, I give you the man who singlehandedly saved the American people from a log jamb of epic proportions: Juuuudd Eeeegaaaaaannnnnnn!

>Tall, goofy looking guy comes stumbling onto stage< Whoa... almost spilled my beer >looks at hands, confused, then looks back off stage< HEY! where'd my beer go? Oh? >points off stage< you got it? >flashes a thumbs up< thanks! >looks around< Whoa, where the hell did you all come from?

Judd, why don't you come on over here and tell us all about your latest invention.

My wha-? >looks slightly confused<

>clenches teeth< your invention >smiles malevolently<

>looking confused still< my invention? >understanding dawns< Oh! Right! Invention! >sways over to table<

So, Judd, what can you tell us about this new device?

Well Dick, This has got to be my best invention to date. Why it alone helped clear the log jamb in congress a couple of years ago.

>looking downright predatory< Yes, I've already explained that to the audience. Why don't you tell us what it is?

Tell who what is?

>Fierce whisper< your goddamn invention!

oh, right...

[beat]
[beat]

So! Either I'm here by court order to tell you about the hazards of drinking and driving, or I'm here of my own free will to tell you about my new device! >squints at audience< you look a little old to be in high school, so I must be selling my new labor saving device! >stares at audience<

>leans over< restitution is tomorrow.

Riiiigghhhhttt..... So, he're my new device. How many of you are closing in on the age of forty? >counts fingers, looses count, starts again. Looses count again, starts pointing at hands while counting<

>reaches over and pushes down Eggen's hand<

>whispers< dude! not cool! >normal voice< How many of you have gone in for a colonoscopy? Well, with my new device, you no longer have to worry about some strange doctor getting friendly without buying dinner and a movie first. >reached down and pulls up a device< This, is the Judd Eggen Home Rectal Exam Kit.

uneasy applause, mutters

that's right folks, with this little device, you can perform those embarrassing and humiliating rectal exams yourself, in the privacy of your own home! No more having to set up an appointment, traveling to the doctor's office, waiting in an uncomfortable chair only to have some strange doctor get to know you from the inside out. Now, you can experience that sense of personal violation in your own home, both with and by yourself! Here's Steve with more!

That's right Judd! The Judd Eggen Home Rectal Exam is the most cutting edge device in America for Home Rectal Exams. Never before has your colorectal health been so easy to find out yourself. All it takes is five easy steps, as illustrated by this video.

>cuts to video of actor who looks like Judd<

Step 1: drink the specially formulated cleanser.

>Actor drinks stuff down, smacks his lips<

Let the California Cherry flavor wash over you as it begins it's magic almost immediately.

>Actor looking bored gets shocked, uncomfortable look on face and races off screen; pan to clock on wall stating 2 p.m.<

After your system has managed to completely clean itself out, >shot of clock now saying 11 p.m.< it's time for a good night's rest!

>Cut to actor passed out on toilet<

The second day, set up the machine >Actor starts unfolding box like a Transformer< once it is all set up, strap in, and click the "Start" button.

>Actor climbs into apparatus naked, and gets into position with ass sticking out<

The device will take care of the rest! >front shot of actors face, with rear sticking up in background - arm comes out of machine with latex glove on, doing something to actor's posterior; second arm comes out with 1980's style video camera and makes motions like camera is being stuffed. Camera pans back to cables coming down between actor's legs to television near by<

now all you do is watch the television while the camera probes your cavity, looking for polyps, ulcers or misplaced die cast cars.

>actor looks concerned< Uh-oh! looks like we have a blockage of some sort! >Television just shows black mass, due to poor lighting<

After your scan is complete, just relax while the computer tabulates your test results.

>Cut to computer screen looking at printout; one mechanical hand is holding paper, while other hand scratches top of monitor case like it is thinking.<

>cut to actor, still strapped in<

According to the tests, you're in perfect health, but it appears that you haven't been eating enough roughage lately.

>cut to actor, looking sheepish<

that's quite alright, because now, Judd's Home Rectal Exam kit comes with a free Arse-Whisk! That's right, for those stubborn blockages that refuse to move on their own, we have included our patent pending Arse-whisk to fight constipation! And if that wasn't enough, we teamed up with the industry leader in small buffing, grinding and polishing tools.....D- due to leagl wrangling, we've been asked to not state the name of the company until the lawsuit has been resolved.

>flashes picture of tool<



So order today!

The Destruction of Society due to Celebrity Worship

Celebrity Worship - the overwhelming urge to follow the lives of people more popular than ourselves. To an extent, we all suffer from celebrity worship. Be it an actor, writer or musician, we follow them to some extent. With social networking sites such as twitter, facebook and myspace, the ability to follow celebrities has become easier.
Before social networking, there were the tabloid magazines: Those trashy mags you would see in the checkout line at the supermarket, talking about how such and such a celebrity was caught in a homosexual tryst or some such nonsense. Then, there were television shows like that absolute nightmare they call TMZ.
I mean seriously,who in their right mind cares what the hell is going on with Kiefer Sutherland being victimized in a Ponzi scheme?
Then, there is the internet: the uncontrollable rumor mill that will take a bullshit story and turn it into the be all end all career destroyer. The simple fact of the matter is that celebrity has become so lucrative it has to be everywhere. We are so unhappy with the way our lives are, we have to follow the lives of others to make us feel better about ourselves.
We can't handle the pressures of the day, so we read about Afleck's puppy training problems. We have a fight with our significant other, so we watch a program about Kanye West being a douchebag. Our obsession with celebrity has reached such a fevered pitch that our elected officials have to weigh in on pure crap, simply to get people to pay attention to them.
If you don't believe me, look at Hillary Clinton settling the whole argument between Conan O'Brien and the Mayor Cory Booker in New Jersey. How about President Obama having to talk about Kanye West acting like a total jackass on the MTV Awards. Would someone please tell me when Kanye interrupting a starving waif garnered more attention than the national freakin' budget!
This focus on Celebrity has moved apathy from a social concern to national pastime. We don't give a damn about foreign policy, but if Angelina decides to go all Pokemon (Gotta catch 'em all!) on a South African nation, oh my holy hell! Get a goddamn camera crew down there! The Prime Minister of Germany was assassinated? We'll get a reporter over there after Gerard Butler has finished grooming his new kitten.

Celebrity has become more important than issues that really affect us. We can't be bothered to get out and vote on issues that affect our lives, but if People magazine has a poll on Lady Gaga's latest strip tease, we'll crash their damn servers.

I keep hearing that society is going down the tubes: either it's the conservatives fault, or the liberals, or the gays, or any sort of garbage that people feel they need to point the finger at being "the death of society".
No. The simple fact of the matter is that we want to follow celebrities and their lives instead of what we need to be looking at - our society.

FBI Profile of Nathan

What follows is an excerpt from the profile for Nathan >name redacted<

The subject is wanted for questioning in several bizarre events that have occurred over the previous five years.

NAME: Nathan >name redacted<
DATES OF BIRTH USED: 2 December, 18 March, 17 April, 23 November, 12 June, 31 February
AGE: Mid 30's
ALIASES: Nathan, Nate, 'El Jeffe', 'The Skate', 'Coco', 'Murderface', Denise
HAIR: Brown, may be bald, long, braided, woven, dyed, or inverted
EYES: Blue, Green, Brown, Orange, may be blind
PLACE OF BIRTH: United States
HEIGHT: 6' 3" (7' 4" when intoxicated)
WEIGHT: 230 lbs (fluctuates when intoxicated, or fed)
COMPLEXION: Scary enough to frighten the tits off a moose
SEX: Varies based on mood
BUILD: Top heavy
RACE: Undefined (possibly canine)
OCCUPATION: Writer
NATIONALITY: Canadian
SCARS AND MARKS: Tattoo on left shoulder of cartoon chipmunk. Tattoo on right forearm of scroll with text reading "born to ruffle feathers". Tattoo on chest that reads "This space for rent". Tattoo on lower back of text that states "Hell yeah, that's my tramp stamp". Tattoo on inner left thigh with text that states "Pull chord for service".
Scars on left knee from surgery in 2003. Scars on back from spine removal surgery.
REMARKS: >name redacted< is a known square dance caller and malcontent who delights in shaving chickens and making dogs wear pants. Was associated with the fatal pie fight wars of Sheboygan in 1999. Accused of farting in church on a regular basis, and then blaming it on the altar boy. Enjoys throwing stale bagels at homeless people while singing rude sea shanties and wearing leather chaps on a stick horse. >name redacted< has connections with various gangs and clown colleges, and is known to frequent farms and animal shelters.

WARNING NATHAN >name redacted< SHOULD BE CONSIDERED ARMED AND EXTREMELY CRAZY. IF YOU ENCOUNTER HIM, DO NOT APPROACH. ATTEMPT TO BREAK OF CONTACT AS FAST AS POSSIBLE, AND CALL LOCAL AUTHORITIES. >name redacted< ALWAYS CARRIES A BATTERY OPERATED SHAVING KIT, AND SMALL PANTS.

Sometimes I can't find the right word, literally or is that littering?

We've all been there before: we're sitting there talking to someone, and then suddenly, we can't find the right word.

For example:

Speaker 1: So I was talking with that chick the other night and I totally made a fool of myself. I was telling her about this blog I'm reading, and how this guy is writing something every day based on suggestions he gets from fans.

Speaker 2: Oh really? what happened?

Speaker 1: I was telling her about this guy and I totally said the stupidest thing. I said "This guy writes some crazy stuff, I mean he was talking about this lady who had tanned too much or some stuff like that" and she was really getting into it, and I got to talking about the pic that he posted with the story and her... uh.... her... oh damnit... what the hell are those called (rolls hands in front of chest).

Speaker 2: breasts?

Speaker 1: (laughs) yeah that's it.

So, is this accidental, or in some way is this verbal littering? Have we become so lazy and disposable in nature that we're willing to throw away not only physical items, but our language as well?
Probably one of the best (worst?) possible examples of this phenomena is in the on-line community than the phrase "I accidentally the whole 'X', where 'X' equals some sort of noun. Some of the more common ones are:
- Internet
- Apple
- thing
- Coke Bottle (Don't ask)
- pencil

In this way, this dropping of the verb is an intentional misuse of English. However, in standard conversations, the loss of a word in much more complex. Is it an intentional misuse of language, or is it the simple fact that we are human, and in times of intense thought, we tend to forget what we're talking about (much like this writing - I continually my train of thought).

The End Justifies the Means

The End Justifies the Means


The term "The end justifies the means" has been around for a long time. An idiom of the American language (in other words, from a literal standpoint, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, it's more of figurative speech), the phrase basically implies that the end result is much more important that whatever has to be done to get to that point.

Some famous uses of the ideology of "The end justifies the means":

- The Inquisition; it has been conjectured that the ideology was used for various reasons: increasing political authority, weakening opposition, or to profit from the confiscation of heretic's property.

- Basil II (Basil the Bulgar-slayer): After battling the Bulgarians for many years, his army managed to capture a Bulgarian stronghold. Legend has it that he blinded 99 out of every 100 men. The hundredth man, he only blinded in one eye. Allegedly, Samuel, the leader of the Bulgars fell down in a fit and died two days later after witnessing what Basil did to his men.

- The Nazi treatment of Jews: One of the most famous instances of the ideology comes from Nazi Germany, where millions of "undesirables" were humiliated, disenfranchised and murdered; simply due to the fact that they were considered an "inferior race".

- American treatment of Japanese Citizens: During WWII, America itself engaged in this ideology, sending Japanese Americans to internment camps in the wake of the attack on Pearl Harbor.

- Vietnam was yet another example of "The End Justifies the Means" as well as coining the phrase "We had to destroy it in order to save it": In the face of inhumane warfare tactics (women and children used to transport explosives or anti-personnel traps), American forces had to adopt this rather convoluted thinking to save themselves and the Vietnamese.

- Pol Pot and Cambodia: In the wake of Pol Pot taking power, he had all intellectuals and/or anyone with an advanced degree taken out to what was coined "The Killing Fields" to purge his country of radical thought.

- Even now, on a daily basis, people everywhere engage in behavior that can be interpreted as "The end justifies the means". Just look at when we go Christmas shopping. Normal, decent, thoughtful people become blood-thirsty, maniacal weapons of reasonably large destruction - and what for? Just to get your son or daughter a damn robotic hamster that will end up under the bed in three months, its batteries dead, its synthetic fur dirty and matted from sticky fingers, its butt chewed off because the cat got to it that one time.

Personally, I feel that even though it's for the greater good, the path that we take to get to that point is just as important, if not more so. If we get to a point were we have world peace, is that because we have reached a universal understanding, or is it because we're standing neck deep in the dead, and there's only five of us left, so we damn well better get along?