Saturday, March 6, 2010

The Trifecta - Again

Midget Discrimination

From a discussion with Johnny Finklestein - associate editor of Diminutive Discourse Monthly.

"People always ask me 'Johnny, why is it that little folk can get parts in movies, but you can't become president?' and I tell them that one we don't like being called little folk - it's demeaning and two most of the time, it's due to discrimination."
He sits back in his chair, looking slightly upset. I ask him if he wants to continue.
"Yeah I want to continue, but it just pisses me off, y'know? I mean, we've been busting our asses since the twenties to carve out an area for us. Look at Billy Barty! The man was a damn genius when it came to our rights - he fought for us to be able to lead regular lives in Hollywood. He helped outlaw dwarf tossing for chrissakes! The man should be canonized for all the work he has done... but we still can't be taken seriously when it comes to politics!"
Johnny has really worked up a froth by now. There is a crazed look in his eyes, and he keeps clawing the arms of his chair. Apparently, the alarmed look on my face calms him enough to regain his composure.
"Look - we can play oompa loompas, we can play munchkins. We can play ewoks, small service droids, evil leprechauns, jawas, or any other diminutive fantastical creature - except for hobbits (Johnny's face clouds up for a moment), even magic users - but when it comes to congress, or the senate, or even the local school board, we are looked over. (he winces at his unintentional pun) I've asked about this before - I have spoken with several people in various political arenas, and they always tell me the same thing..."
a heavy pause fills the room.... I look in askance as Johnny, who has turned beet red. I brace myself for the next outburst.

SUBARU Drivers

I'm stuck. Again. I'm already late, and this goddamn SUBARU is in front of me, taking its time. 'This is supposed to be the fast lane!' I scream in my head as I see the break lights flash for a moment. Damn, damn, DAMN! I knew I shouldn't have stayed to watch DORK FIGHTS 4: THE RETURN OF THE SLIDE RULE, but just watching them use those pocket protectors as shields was inspired.
Argh! Those fricken' brake lights again! Can I get over? no... That Semi is hogging the next lane... *sigh* what's the point of buying an Impreza WRX, if you always get stuck behind a 1985 SUBARU DL WAGON. Screw this.... I'm gonna roll down my window....

What is Your Superpower?

News Anchor: An in other news, we have a new superhero in town. With him right now is Slate Bladen. Slate, who do you have with you?

Slate: Thanks Denise, with me I have The Bladder, the newest superhero in town. Now, Bladder, what exactly is your superpower?

The Bladder: Well, as my name implies, I can ingest any sort of liquid, and then expel liquid at a prodigious rate.

Slate: Well, not to make light of your "powers", but I think most people can do that - it's part of the digestive cycle.

The Bladder: Yeah, but can you put out a fire two miles away?

Slate: [Looks green} and there you have it! The Bladder! Now back to you in the studio Denise!

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