Thursday, March 4, 2010
"I always imagined that a talking dog would have a deeper voice."
Shawn looked at me like I had swallowed a mouse in front of him. "What?" I looked up from my beer, locking onto his gaze. "I said, 'I always imagined that a talking dog would have a deeper voice' I don't know why I have to repeat myself."
"That's what I thought you said" Shawn mumbled. "I know I'm going to regret this, but let me hear it". He rolled his hand, signaling me to start telling the story.
I grunted negatively - "If I'm gonna tell you this story, I need to lubricate my throat. Get me another beer, and I'll fill you in on the details." Shawn glared at me for a moment, then waved over the waitress. Bobbling over, the bleach blond beer jockey took my order. As she walked away with my order, my eyes followed of their own accord, analyzing the curves of her hips as she swayed across the room.
"Well?" Shawn was getting annoyed, his voice tinged with impatience - if I pushed him much longer, he would change his mind and I would have to pay for the beer. Normally, not a problem, but with too much month left for too little money, I couldn't afford to push my luck.
"A few months back, I got a job working in a lab. Still not sure as to what they were doing - lots of animal testing however. I would go in and clean the rooms after everyone had left for the night. They would have cages on cages of mice that had body parts grafted to them." Shawn choked momentarily on his beer. "Grafted?"
I nodded, and continued.
"They had this one mouse who had an ear grafted onto his back, while another one had a nose grafted on to his back." Shawn was shaking his head now. "The weirdest one I ever saw though, was this mouse that had a fulling working pair of human arms grafted onto the creature." By this time, Shawn's jaw was swinging freely. "The mouse was nice, but if you did anything to it, the mouse would haul off and punch you."
The waitress had come back by now and placed my beer on the table. I winked at her, making a mental note to get her number later.
"So, I get this call to clean a new room one night, and I go in there, and there's this dog lying on the floor." I take a pull from my mug and continue. "I'm positive that the poor beast is dead, so I go over to it, and nudge it with my foot." Shawn is rapt with attention now - if I can keep it going, I might be able to get a pitcher out of him.
"So I nudge him with my foot, and I hear this high pitched voice call out from somewhere, says 'please don't do that' and I jump a good two feet back. Now, I'm thinking that this is a recorded voice or some such crap like that. I'm getting my bearings when I hear the voice again, only this time, I pay attention to the tonal quality of it. Imagine that Alvin from Alvin and the Chipmunks gets kicked in the balls, and then tries to have a regular conversation."
"Jesus, man... so what did you do?" Shawn is hanging onto my every word now.
"Well, It was like nails on a chalkboard - but I finally figured out that it was coming from the dog itself. I sat and talked with the dog for a good long while. Finally, I smuggled it out of the lab, and we hit a 24 hour Waffle House. By then I knew that I was going to be fired, so I didn't bother going back. We hung out for a while, but one night, we got really drunk. I got upset and kicked the dog who proceeded to bite me. After that, the dog took off, and I passed out."
Shawn is flabbergasted; without thinking, he orders two more beers.
"The next day" I continue "this other dog shows up with a last will and testament, and hands it to me. I open it up and read that the dog died last night, and has left everything to the dog in front of me, it's son. However, there is a caveat that I am awarded custody of the dog."
Shawn pays the waitress and asks "so what happened?"
I look down and say "well, I was nursing a wicked hangover, so I got drunk again, and ended up eating the dog."
Shawn looks horrified.
"Yeah" I explain "There really is nothing quite like the heir of the dog that bit you the night before."