So, on another site, I'm in the process of submitting for a contest - I have a list of ten words, and I have to use at least 3 of them. Either a poem or short story: Poems have to be at least 25 lines, short stories need to be at least 500 words, but less than 1,000. Below is the list of words I have to use, and a early first draft of either a poem or I'll tie it into a short story.
Frugal, penchant, idyllic, comely, calamity, blasphemy, egregious, sublime, surreptitious, consolidate
So, without further ado, here's my (horribly rough) first draft:
A comely calamity of egregious blasphemy,
an angry amputee seeking sublime amnesty.
surreptitious consolidation,
a penchant for frustration.
a frugal apogee, idyllic bankruptcy,
the fall of a tyrant, the shame of a nation.
I like how it starts out, in fact, it was the "comely calamity" that jumped out at me, and the rest fell together (with some help from a rhyming dictionary). The last line was really forced, and I'm not really feeling it. As it continues to come together, I'll post updates.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Some Movie Reviews
So, with my better half out of town, I've had a chance to watch a bunch of movies that have caught my interest.
That being said, I'll be reviewing five movies, and three television shows - The movies are Dead Alive, Game Box 1.o, Ararat, Star Warp'd & Pandorum. The television shows are all (conveniently enough) anime: Bleach, Hikaru No Go & Naruto.
Well, without further ado... We'll start off with Dead Alive.
Dead Alive
Peter Jackson's last "minor league" movie before he started doing big budget flicks for Hollywood. The description is listed as A young man's mother is bitten by a Sumatran rat-monkey. She gets sick and dies, at which time she comes back to life, killing and eating dogs, nurses, friends, and neighbors. A review of the film is listed gleefully as "...the goriest fright film of all time."
To say that it lives up to that phrase is a bit of an understatement. If you're familiar with Jackson's early works (Bad Taste or Meet the Feebles) you'll be in familiar territory. If not, well... be prepared for some corny special effects, non-logical logic, and the biggest salsa making festival of all time.
As the story progresses, we're introduced to an over-bearing, ball-busting mother; a 50's style greaser; a kung-fu practicing priest; a nurse whose only purpose apparently is to get it on with the priest (post zombification); a zombie baby; killer intestines, gratuitous use of a lawnmower, and some very Freudian overtones during the climax of the movie. Like Jackson's other early works, the tongue is firmly planted in the check through the entire movie, but the gore effects get a little tedious and the movie could have probably stood to lose 10 - 15 minutes of running time.
All in all, if zombies, sick humor, or a Pete Jackson fetish are your thing, check it out - if not, I won't fault you for giving it a pass.
Game Box 1.0
Following in the footsteps of low-budget films, I caught this movie the other night. Netflix had it listed as Horror, but IMDB listed it as sci-fi. Needless to say, I'm going with IMDB on this one.
For what it's worth, I actually enjoyed this movie, one I got used to the special effects. The premise of the movie is a game device that puts you into the game itself. Once inside, you cannot quit the game - you either win the game, or you die in real life. While it's been done before, there was a certain kitsch to this movie that made it, if not memorable, at least enjoyable.
As I said, the story revolves around a game tester who is still agonizing over the death of his girlfriend/fiancée. As he withdraws into his world of video games, he gets a strange package in the mail that he uses. Inside the game, he has a choice of several different worlds; a Grand Theft Auto rip-off, a generic zombie rip-off, and a third world that for some reason escapes my mind at the moment.
Anyways, long story short, the bad guy is the cop that shot the fiancée, the love interest is a digitized version of the murdered fiancée, and the special effects look as though they had been processed through the Sega Genesis x32 system. One of the best parts of the movie is when the hero shoots one of the bad guys, they fall to the ground with a poorly digitized, off-center hole in their chest three times the size of the caliber of weapon used to kill them.
In the end, if you've got nothing better to do, check it out. Otherwise, go out and live your life, unlike these neck-beard mouth breathers that infest this movie.
Ararat
So my buddy Robert was hosting an event for Holocaust Remembrance Week, and the movie we watched and then discussed was the movie Ararat; about the Armenian Holocaust between World War I and World War II. A major part of the controversy behind the Armenian genocide is that Turkey continues to refuse that the event ever happened.
Described as "Interrogated by a customs officer, a young man recounts how his life was changed during the making of a film about the Armenian genocide claims." What they don't say is that this is the overall context of the movie, but it is broken up between five or six sub-plots that give little warning as to shifts. One sub-plot is the relationship between the customs interrogator and his son, the relationship between the interrogator and the young man in question, the relationship between the young man and his lover (who also happens to be his half sister), The relationship between the young man and his mother, the relationship between the mother and the step sister, the story of an Armenian painter who was (allegedly) witness to the genocide, and the making of a movie about the painter and the genocide.
To say the storyline is convoluted is being nice. The shifts in theme often leave the viewer spending approximately five minutes trying to figure out if we're watching the movie being made, the young man recounting his adventures, or the adventures actually happening. I'm not going to bother getting into depth with logical inconsistencies throughout the movie, but I will say that I was extremely unhappy with the end of the movie.
*CAUTION! POLITICALLY INFLAMMATORY DISCUSSION AHEAD!*
There is very little dispute about whether or not the Armenian Genocide happened. While it is frustrating that Turkey refuses to acknowledge the fact that it happened, and even more aggravating that the United States refuses to take a stance on the event, the simple fact of the matter is that this movie, at its core, is propaganda. As we come to the end of the movie, we're shown scenes from the "movie" that has been shot, depicting the degradation and abuse of Armenian women and children by Ottoman Turks. As the scenes progress, it gets more graphic and blatant, further vilifying the perpetrators. The movie then ends with a statement that the Armenian Genocide did occur, based off of documents from the time period, and that to this day, Turkey refuses to admit that it happened. As the movie finished, I found myself sitting there, processing the movie, and all I could think of was "Jesus Christ, we get it. The Armenians were slaughtered. The Ottoman Turks engaged in a concerted effort to eradicate a certain group of people. Stop beating us over the head with it."
In the end, I almost felt sorry for the Turks. I will not make excuses for them, nor will I exonerate what happened. It was a dark period in the history of man, that was then used as an argument to fuel the Final Solution in World War II, but if you're going to make a movie with a strong slant to it, please let the viewer know there is some sort of bias to it - that way they can expect it, instead of having it shoved down our throats.
Star Warp'd
Worst. Parody. Ever. It would be in your best interests to die before viewing this, and even then, I would give it a pass.
Pandorum
Starts out really spooky, has Dennis Quaid in it (which in and of itself should be spooky enough), tries to hook the whole Ridley Scott Alien vibe. Fails miserably. I would give it a pass, just because you'll be wanting your almost two hours back afterwards.
Bleach
Interesting story of a fifteen year old kid who acts way older than scripted. Has been able to see spirits of deceased people since he was little. One night, he runs into a shingami (soul reaper) whose job it is to send good souls to the Soul Society, and battle Hollows (evil souls who have become monsters). Main reason I started watching this is because my eldest used to have a subscription to Shonen Jump, where it was serialized. Starts out slow, but picks up speed after the fifteenth or so episode. Definitely check out the books if you're going to watch the show.
Hikaru No Go
Another show that my eldest got me kind of hooked on. Story of a young kid (11, 12?) who breaks into his grandfather's house to steal something so he can turn around and sell it for money. Kid finds an old Go board (kind of like oriental chess). As he's examining the board, he discovers that the spirit of on ancient Go Master inhabits it, and wants the kid to help him play "The Divine Move" apparently a Go move that proves just how bad ass you really are, and will allow the spirit (whose name is Sai) to finally shed the bounds of earth and move on.
The only problem Sai runs into? The kid (Hikaru) has never played Go in his entire life, and has no plans of learning, until he figures out he can make money off of it. Who said kids aren't enterprising? He sure would give the Donald a run for his money in terms of ruthless dealings.
Naruto
Finally, Netflix got Naruto - The best thing to come from Japan since the invention of home gaming systems (allegedly). Naruto is the story of a twelve year old kid who is a total pariah in his village of the Hidden Leaf. All Naruto wants to do is pass his Ninja graduation exams, train up, and become the best Hokage (Village Protector/Elder) the city has ever seen. The only problem is that he's a troublemaker due to the fact that everyone hates him.
A damn entertaining series, later episodes really go for broke in terms of battle sequences, and the story, while excessively long, is entertaining all the way through, and definitely worth a look.
Just make sure if you're not a fan of subtitles, you get actual discs; don't stream it from Netflix. Subtitles like they're going out of style.
So anyways, that's what I've got. You agree? Disagree? want to kill me over something? let me know.
That being said, I'll be reviewing five movies, and three television shows - The movies are Dead Alive, Game Box 1.o, Ararat, Star Warp'd & Pandorum. The television shows are all (conveniently enough) anime: Bleach, Hikaru No Go & Naruto.
Well, without further ado... We'll start off with Dead Alive.
Dead Alive
Peter Jackson's last "minor league" movie before he started doing big budget flicks for Hollywood. The description is listed as A young man's mother is bitten by a Sumatran rat-monkey. She gets sick and dies, at which time she comes back to life, killing and eating dogs, nurses, friends, and neighbors. A review of the film is listed gleefully as "...the goriest fright film of all time."
To say that it lives up to that phrase is a bit of an understatement. If you're familiar with Jackson's early works (Bad Taste or Meet the Feebles) you'll be in familiar territory. If not, well... be prepared for some corny special effects, non-logical logic, and the biggest salsa making festival of all time.
As the story progresses, we're introduced to an over-bearing, ball-busting mother; a 50's style greaser; a kung-fu practicing priest; a nurse whose only purpose apparently is to get it on with the priest (post zombification); a zombie baby; killer intestines, gratuitous use of a lawnmower, and some very Freudian overtones during the climax of the movie. Like Jackson's other early works, the tongue is firmly planted in the check through the entire movie, but the gore effects get a little tedious and the movie could have probably stood to lose 10 - 15 minutes of running time.
All in all, if zombies, sick humor, or a Pete Jackson fetish are your thing, check it out - if not, I won't fault you for giving it a pass.
Game Box 1.0
Following in the footsteps of low-budget films, I caught this movie the other night. Netflix had it listed as Horror, but IMDB listed it as sci-fi. Needless to say, I'm going with IMDB on this one.
For what it's worth, I actually enjoyed this movie, one I got used to the special effects. The premise of the movie is a game device that puts you into the game itself. Once inside, you cannot quit the game - you either win the game, or you die in real life. While it's been done before, there was a certain kitsch to this movie that made it, if not memorable, at least enjoyable.
As I said, the story revolves around a game tester who is still agonizing over the death of his girlfriend/fiancée. As he withdraws into his world of video games, he gets a strange package in the mail that he uses. Inside the game, he has a choice of several different worlds; a Grand Theft Auto rip-off, a generic zombie rip-off, and a third world that for some reason escapes my mind at the moment.
Anyways, long story short, the bad guy is the cop that shot the fiancée, the love interest is a digitized version of the murdered fiancée, and the special effects look as though they had been processed through the Sega Genesis x32 system. One of the best parts of the movie is when the hero shoots one of the bad guys, they fall to the ground with a poorly digitized, off-center hole in their chest three times the size of the caliber of weapon used to kill them.
In the end, if you've got nothing better to do, check it out. Otherwise, go out and live your life, unlike these neck-beard mouth breathers that infest this movie.
Ararat
So my buddy Robert was hosting an event for Holocaust Remembrance Week, and the movie we watched and then discussed was the movie Ararat; about the Armenian Holocaust between World War I and World War II. A major part of the controversy behind the Armenian genocide is that Turkey continues to refuse that the event ever happened.
Described as "Interrogated by a customs officer, a young man recounts how his life was changed during the making of a film about the Armenian genocide claims." What they don't say is that this is the overall context of the movie, but it is broken up between five or six sub-plots that give little warning as to shifts. One sub-plot is the relationship between the customs interrogator and his son, the relationship between the interrogator and the young man in question, the relationship between the young man and his lover (who also happens to be his half sister), The relationship between the young man and his mother, the relationship between the mother and the step sister, the story of an Armenian painter who was (allegedly) witness to the genocide, and the making of a movie about the painter and the genocide.
To say the storyline is convoluted is being nice. The shifts in theme often leave the viewer spending approximately five minutes trying to figure out if we're watching the movie being made, the young man recounting his adventures, or the adventures actually happening. I'm not going to bother getting into depth with logical inconsistencies throughout the movie, but I will say that I was extremely unhappy with the end of the movie.
*CAUTION! POLITICALLY INFLAMMATORY DISCUSSION AHEAD!*
There is very little dispute about whether or not the Armenian Genocide happened. While it is frustrating that Turkey refuses to acknowledge the fact that it happened, and even more aggravating that the United States refuses to take a stance on the event, the simple fact of the matter is that this movie, at its core, is propaganda. As we come to the end of the movie, we're shown scenes from the "movie" that has been shot, depicting the degradation and abuse of Armenian women and children by Ottoman Turks. As the scenes progress, it gets more graphic and blatant, further vilifying the perpetrators. The movie then ends with a statement that the Armenian Genocide did occur, based off of documents from the time period, and that to this day, Turkey refuses to admit that it happened. As the movie finished, I found myself sitting there, processing the movie, and all I could think of was "Jesus Christ, we get it. The Armenians were slaughtered. The Ottoman Turks engaged in a concerted effort to eradicate a certain group of people. Stop beating us over the head with it."
In the end, I almost felt sorry for the Turks. I will not make excuses for them, nor will I exonerate what happened. It was a dark period in the history of man, that was then used as an argument to fuel the Final Solution in World War II, but if you're going to make a movie with a strong slant to it, please let the viewer know there is some sort of bias to it - that way they can expect it, instead of having it shoved down our throats.
Star Warp'd
Worst. Parody. Ever. It would be in your best interests to die before viewing this, and even then, I would give it a pass.
Pandorum
Starts out really spooky, has Dennis Quaid in it (which in and of itself should be spooky enough), tries to hook the whole Ridley Scott Alien vibe. Fails miserably. I would give it a pass, just because you'll be wanting your almost two hours back afterwards.
Bleach
Interesting story of a fifteen year old kid who acts way older than scripted. Has been able to see spirits of deceased people since he was little. One night, he runs into a shingami (soul reaper) whose job it is to send good souls to the Soul Society, and battle Hollows (evil souls who have become monsters). Main reason I started watching this is because my eldest used to have a subscription to Shonen Jump, where it was serialized. Starts out slow, but picks up speed after the fifteenth or so episode. Definitely check out the books if you're going to watch the show.
Hikaru No Go
Another show that my eldest got me kind of hooked on. Story of a young kid (11, 12?) who breaks into his grandfather's house to steal something so he can turn around and sell it for money. Kid finds an old Go board (kind of like oriental chess). As he's examining the board, he discovers that the spirit of on ancient Go Master inhabits it, and wants the kid to help him play "The Divine Move" apparently a Go move that proves just how bad ass you really are, and will allow the spirit (whose name is Sai) to finally shed the bounds of earth and move on.
The only problem Sai runs into? The kid (Hikaru) has never played Go in his entire life, and has no plans of learning, until he figures out he can make money off of it. Who said kids aren't enterprising? He sure would give the Donald a run for his money in terms of ruthless dealings.
Naruto
Finally, Netflix got Naruto - The best thing to come from Japan since the invention of home gaming systems (allegedly). Naruto is the story of a twelve year old kid who is a total pariah in his village of the Hidden Leaf. All Naruto wants to do is pass his Ninja graduation exams, train up, and become the best Hokage (Village Protector/Elder) the city has ever seen. The only problem is that he's a troublemaker due to the fact that everyone hates him.
A damn entertaining series, later episodes really go for broke in terms of battle sequences, and the story, while excessively long, is entertaining all the way through, and definitely worth a look.
Just make sure if you're not a fan of subtitles, you get actual discs; don't stream it from Netflix. Subtitles like they're going out of style.
So anyways, that's what I've got. You agree? Disagree? want to kill me over something? let me know.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Facebook Rebuttal
During a "conversation" on Facebook, I made a crack about the Democrats loosing the House while the GOP got the Tea Party, poking fun at the fact that I felt the GOP got screwed more than the Dems. The following rebuttal occurred.
(Names have been removed. If you know who is involved, good for you, go get a cookie)
***
>Them< You say "they got the Tea Party" like it is a bad thing?!? What do you actually know about the Tea Party that you haven't been told by a liberal??
***
>Me< When it comes to the Tea Party, I haven't been told much. I'm going off of what I have seen and read myself. I know we've never met, and I'm willing to bet, we never will. However, I have the feeling that neither of us will lose any sleep over it. But, since the subject has been brought up, I might as well point out that, yes, I do consider myself a liberal. We could go into the nuances of that, but we would be wandering waaaaaaaay off the topic we're discussing here.
***
>Them< Honestly, most people that are against the Tea Party, and what we are accomplishing have little real knowledge about what it stands for, and have usually formed their opinions on based on the lies of a biased media. What specifically, do you think the Tea Party stands for and why do you oppose it???
***
>me< I have to admit that I had to research what the basic fundamentals of the Tea Party were, since it has been overshadowed by the lunatic fringe. What I found was an article written by Deborah K. Mulholand on the Daytona Daily News website. She stated that
Indeed it is a noble and honorable thing to challenge what you feel is not right. There are instances of it happening all through out history from both liberal and conservative sides. What I do take exception to is the statement
*edit* I failed to properly redress why I am against the Tea Party. My personal feelings are the the Constitution is a living document, requiring interpretation through current social issues. Ultimately, what I feel is being presented as the Tea Party is addressed below.
I apologize for the oversight.
***
>Them< The Tea Party is defiantly not what I would consider an asset to the old school GOP. They are more akin to a conscience on a corporate CEO.. The Tea Party keeps the GOP honest, it makes them vote on conservative principals, not politics. Will it cost them elections?? Hell yes!! It has already for sure!! Look @ NV Reed vs. Angle for proof of that!!
Sometimes, it has to be about more than just winning, it has to be about what is right for this country, and what is wrong for this country. That is something the DNC and Obama seem to have forgotten....
***
>Me< Ahhhh.... now we get to the crux of the problem. However, before we delve into that, I want to say that I agree completely with the statement about what the Tea Party is supposed to do; namely, keep the Principles of the GOP in line, making sure that it does what it feels is best for America, not for personal gain. And again, I tend to agree that I feel the President and the DNC have lost sight of what their mission was.
However, getting back to that pesky crux issue - which was
The problem with politics these days is that people are taking it personally. I cannot count how many times I've had regular discussions breakdown into name calling, mud-slinging, or physical altercations, simply due to the way I vote. I'm not going to say that I am completely innocent in any of this, as I've given probably as much as I have taken. It's a weakness of character, so I ignore it as much as possible.
But, getting back to the whole "Tea Party is a Bad Thing" bit; it's not. Hate to be a buzz kill, but I think the Tea Party is a needed part of the GOP. I hope that the DNC will eventually get their own version to help slap those chuckle heads back into shape. The only way the Tea Party is going to fix their image is to get rid of the wing-nuts who claim they speak for the Party as a whole. They overshadow what good is coming out of the Tea Party Movement, cheapening the experience. It is because of these talking heads that I take a long, saddened look at the Tea Party, shake my head, and say "It could have been magnificent. It could have redirected the entire nation. It could have fixed a broken bi-partisan system. It could have brought respect back to politics, but instead, it's allowing itself to fall down the exact same rabbit hole it tried to steer us away from."
(Names have been removed. If you know who is involved, good for you, go get a cookie)
>Them< You say "they got the Tea Party" like it is a bad thing?!? What do you actually know about the Tea Party that you haven't been told by a liberal??
>Me< When it comes to the Tea Party, I haven't been told much. I'm going off of what I have seen and read myself. I know we've never met, and I'm willing to bet, we never will. However, I have the feeling that neither of us will lose any sleep over it. But, since the subject has been brought up, I might as well point out that, yes, I do consider myself a liberal. We could go into the nuances of that, but we would be wandering waaaaaaaay off the topic we're discussing here.
>Them< Honestly, most people that are against the Tea Party, and what we are accomplishing have little real knowledge about what it stands for, and have usually formed their opinions on based on the lies of a biased media. What specifically, do you think the Tea Party stands for and why do you oppose it???
>me< I have to admit that I had to research what the basic fundamentals of the Tea Party were, since it has been overshadowed by the lunatic fringe. What I found was an article written by Deborah K. Mulholand on the Daytona Daily News website. She stated that
"Tea Party patriots are normal, everyday, working people who are fed up with having to balance their family budgets while Congress and the lawyers in Washington, D.C., cook up ways to “tax the living daylights out of us” and then hire thousands of IRS hooligans to come to our homes and hit us over the head with their tax-and-spend billy clubs.
We also believe in American sovereignty — not being ruled by the United Nations. We’re not convinced that globalism is great; we want our military airplanes made here in the USA.
Lastly, we believe the Constitution is a finite document created by our Founding Fathers to limit the scope, control and power of government, not give it a blank check to drain the lifeblood out of the heartland of our great nation."[1]
Indeed it is a noble and honorable thing to challenge what you feel is not right. There are instances of it happening all through out history from both liberal and conservative sides. What I do take exception to is the statement
based on the lies of a biased media.Of course media is going to be biased... this is the Information Age! Compound that with the fact that we are a capitalist society (which is neither good nor bad for the sake of this argument), those that report the news are fighting for market share. Truths are going to be stretched, lies are going to be told, people are going to be smeared - the ultimate purpose is not to tell it like it is, the purpose is to get eyes on what you are saying. The more sensational the story, the more people are going to read it, the more money that is generated for the company. However, "Biased Media" is generally seen as a liberal skewing - it happens in all quarters, not just from the liberal side.
*edit* I failed to properly redress why I am against the Tea Party. My personal feelings are the the Constitution is a living document, requiring interpretation through current social issues. Ultimately, what I feel is being presented as the Tea Party is addressed below.
I apologize for the oversight.
>Them< The Tea Party is defiantly not what I would consider an asset to the old school GOP. They are more akin to a conscience on a corporate CEO.. The Tea Party keeps the GOP honest, it makes them vote on conservative principals, not politics. Will it cost them elections?? Hell yes!! It has already for sure!! Look @ NV Reed vs. Angle for proof of that!!
Sometimes, it has to be about more than just winning, it has to be about what is right for this country, and what is wrong for this country. That is something the DNC and Obama seem to have forgotten....
>Me< Ahhhh.... now we get to the crux of the problem. However, before we delve into that, I want to say that I agree completely with the statement about what the Tea Party is supposed to do; namely, keep the Principles of the GOP in line, making sure that it does what it feels is best for America, not for personal gain. And again, I tend to agree that I feel the President and the DNC have lost sight of what their mission was.
However, getting back to that pesky crux issue - which was
"Sometimes, it has to be about more than just winning, it has to be about what is right for this country, and what is wrong for this country."Who is the final arbiter of what is right, and what is wrong for this country? We all are. We try to operate off of the concept of 'simple majority'. Namely, if a decision has to be made, we vote on it, the side that gets 51% or more causes their decision to be acted upon. At least, that's my understanding of it. Please, someone correct me if I'm wrong.
The problem with politics these days is that people are taking it personally. I cannot count how many times I've had regular discussions breakdown into name calling, mud-slinging, or physical altercations, simply due to the way I vote. I'm not going to say that I am completely innocent in any of this, as I've given probably as much as I have taken. It's a weakness of character, so I ignore it as much as possible.
But, getting back to the whole "Tea Party is a Bad Thing" bit; it's not. Hate to be a buzz kill, but I think the Tea Party is a needed part of the GOP. I hope that the DNC will eventually get their own version to help slap those chuckle heads back into shape. The only way the Tea Party is going to fix their image is to get rid of the wing-nuts who claim they speak for the Party as a whole. They overshadow what good is coming out of the Tea Party Movement, cheapening the experience. It is because of these talking heads that I take a long, saddened look at the Tea Party, shake my head, and say "It could have been magnificent. It could have redirected the entire nation. It could have fixed a broken bi-partisan system. It could have brought respect back to politics, but instead, it's allowing itself to fall down the exact same rabbit hole it tried to steer us away from."
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Gobble Gobble Motherf***ker!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Hope your turkey day was spent with friends and family, and you had a great time, as well as a great meal. Melissa and I just finished watching the first Thanksgiving themed horror movie we've ever heard of, and I just relish the thought of telling you about it.
Anyways, as you can see from the picture, it's called Thankskilling. If the title wasn't enough of a give away, it tells the age old tale of a group of college kids (who just happen to be in their late twenties to early thirties), who are on their way back to their home town for the Thanksgiving holiday. Along the way, their car breaks down, and they hear the story of an ancient indian curse that causes a demon turkey to rise up every 505 years to kill white men. Apparently at the first Thanksgiving feast, one of the main character's ancestors royally pissed off an indian shaman (what exactly the original offense was is never stated, but I imagine it has something to do with the pilgrim banging the girl the indian was in to). This indian shaman was supposedly the most awesome badass spell caster around, soooo he summoned a demon turkey to exact revenge.
Now, I don't know about you, but a demon turkey just isn't that scary - at least the thought of a demon turkey doesn't frighten me. It might scare the shit out of PETA activists, but I think that would be more on general principle than anything else.
Anyways, We started the movie, and the first thing you see are tits. Fuly exposed, older tits that are wobbling and swaying and bouncing around while this older woman (who does 'mature' porn - I swear her IMDB listing reads like a menu from an adult book store) is running through the woods, trying to pull off the impossible task of emoting fear. Finally, she stumbles and falls, only to turn herself over, and see what ever is chasing her. The camera cuts to a rediculous looking turkey (that looks like a standby for Triumph the Insult Comic Dog).
The turkey then says "Nice tits, bitch!" and then hacks her with an axe. We then cut to the opening credits.
I'll spare you the gory details of the movie (which allegedly cost $3500 to make - and it shows), but to make it worth your while, here's some of the highlights from this movie.
- A hillbilly character who looks like a cross between Sean Astin (Samwise Gamgee) and Bulk from the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers.
- Sparkling Dialog:
- I'm gonna drink your blood like cranberry sauce, you meanie!
- Johnny, I'm sorry for the things I said last night. I guess I'm a little beaked- er, freaked out.
- We've got to find a way to kill this cock-blockin' turkey!
- Wow! That took forever! Uh, guys, it was only five minutes.
- Gobble, Gobble, motherfucker! (my personal favorite)
- (after the turkey kills one of the kids) Now that's what I call fowl play!
- Recycled punch lines (seriously - word for word)
- And who can forget raunchy turkey sex, complete with extra small gravy flavored condoms?
Is this a good movie? By any definition of the word, absolutely, without a doubt, NO. This is a festering pile of turkey shit, but the actors go at it with such aplomb and no illusions as to the overall quality of the movie, so it does score quite a few points in the 'tongue in cheek kitsch' department.
Is it worth watching? Hell yeah. At least once, but only on Thanksgiving.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
A Musing on Breasts (NSFW - language & content)
So, Melissa was on one of her websites today, and the question was asked "Why do men like breasts so much?" She asked me to answer the question for her (which is surprising, due to the fact that the website is for women only).
I replied by saying:
"Men like breasts for many reasons. It's something that men don't normally have (unless we're morbidly obese) and that engages our curiosity. Breasts also break up the straight line of the chest, it gives us something to look at. Many men are acutely aware that the manipulation of the breasts also creates pleasure in women, and that in turn gives us pleasure. Now I'm not saying that men engage in breast manipulation strictly for altruistic purposes, some of it is due to the fact that we hope for some form of reciprocation.
Ultimately however, I think that men like breasts simply because we are taught from an early age that it is something we are not supposed to look at. It's the whole sense of breaking a societal taboo that excites us. Seeing clothed breasts excites our imagination, while bare breasts invoke that feeling of taboo - it brings out the pubescent boy in us again."
As there is a character limit when replying to a post, I figured I would flesh this idea out some more.
1. Breasts are something that men don't normally have.
- Unless we are morbidly obese, or going through major surgery, we do not have breasts. While this may infuriate some men, most are intrigued by this difference between the sexes. By the time boys have become men, we have figured out our own bodies. We know how our arms and legs work, many of us know how to take a punch to the stomach, the vast majority have figured out the more comedic parts of our pelvis, not to mention the act of self-gratification.
However, women have breasts, lumpy, squishy sacks of skin filled with fat and lactation sacs that when infused with hormones can produce milk. As disgusting as that may sound, they still draw the attention of males everywhere (and some females as well, but that's beside the point).
The simple fact of the matter is that much like a mountain, or a new land, the female breast is unexplored territory. We as men feel it is our duty to conquer this new territory; to explore its peaks and valley(s), to explore the nooks and crannies, the overhangs and points. As with any new discovery however, we always know there is more to find, which is why we are always examining anew breasts of all shapes and sizes. Even if we know our wives or girlfriend's breasts better than our own bodies, we still examine others - simply because we are curious. We know instinctively that it is new territory - unexplored regions of the earth that may remain mysteries (especially if we know what's good for us).
2. Breasts break up the straight line of the chest, it gives us something to look at.
- Go out and look at people in profile sometime, especially men. A lot of men (especially older gents) tend to develop a 'b' sort of upper body type. Not very attractive. Honestly, would you want some guy to come up to you in a bar and start rubbing his gut on your arm? >shudders< me neither.
However, women are often shaped like a 'P' which is much more aesthetically pleasing. Blame the inherent artist in men. Many of us have artistic ancestors and although it may have been diluted out severely over the generations, we still have a basic idea of a pleasing aesthetic. If you don't believe me, look at a guy naked and then a girl naked.
Let me rephrase that. porn does not count as looking at naked men and women. porn engages in improbable physical body types and unusual fetishes. Therefore, you cannot get a good idea of what a real naked person looks like.
Get a book on physiology or human anatomy, or even a book on the human body as an art reference. Look at the way the female body is designed. Now compare it to how a man is designed. The female form is rounded, curved, supple. The male form is angular, pointed, utilitarian. In short, looking at the female form is like walking through the Louvre. Looking at a man is like touring a construction site.
3. Many men are acutely aware that the manipulation of the breasts also creates pleasure in women, and that in turn gives us pleasure.
- As I also stated above, it's not necessarily for altruistic reasons. Quite often, men are hoping (or even expecting) some form of reciprocation in exchange for inciting pleasure in the woman. On the other hand, The ability to bring pleasure to a woman through the manipulation of the breasts feeds into the need for men to accomplish something. By bringing pleasure to a woman, men fill the need to say "I have pleasured this woman, see how studly and virile I am. By supplying some form of sexual gratification to this woman, I have transcended the status of mere man and entered the realm of god-hood."
Don't believe me? Women, next time your husband or boyfriend is finished fooling around with you, watch him strut. (No, I'm not immune to this either, just ask Melissa)
4. It's the whole sense of breaking a societal taboo that excites us.
- Blame the puritans for this one. For the longest time, we have been told that nudity is wrong, that to expose yourself to anyone is offensive. However, we're born without clothes. Society has been so ingrained with the thought that the naked body is somehow wrong, that society as a whole has developed a sort of psychosis about being seen naked.
At the same time, we are driven by an intense desire to break the rules, to test the boundaries of 'proper' society. By looking at a woman's clothed breasts, men are forced to engage their imaginations to visualize what they would look like naked; and imagined breasts tend to excite as much, if not more, than the real thing.
Barring such easy options as strip clubs, nudie magazines and the Internet Porn Machine, seeing bared breasts is such a thrill that words have difficulty expressing. Be it a quick flip up of the shirt at a rock concert, Mardi Gras, or Spring Break, a "wardrobe malfunction" (a totally bullshit term if I ever heard one), or a surprise move by a wife or girlfriend when she's feeling frisky - the taboo of public nudity sends chills down the spine of most red-blooded men. We feel as if we are seeing something we're not supposed to. much like peeping through the knothole of the fence around the nudist colony, Seeing bare breasts gives us the thrill of breaking that taboo.
In a small way, we regress back to our childhood, when we got our first glimpse of a naked breast, and we finally got it. In one shining moment of clarity, we discovered why girls were different from us, and suddenly, we had to know what exactly those things were.
At that point, we realize that there is a whole fresh new world of possibilities out there, ready to be explored. As we mature, we discover that this amazing new world can be even less fun and interesting than the world we lived in as kids, but by the simple flash of a breast, we can travel back to that point where we were naive and the possibilities are endless, even for a moment.
Now others may dispute these facts, but as far as I'm concerned, I think what I've said here can stand for most guys.
I replied by saying:
Ultimately however, I think that men like breasts simply because we are taught from an early age that it is something we are not supposed to look at. It's the whole sense of breaking a societal taboo that excites us. Seeing clothed breasts excites our imagination, while bare breasts invoke that feeling of taboo - it brings out the pubescent boy in us again."
As there is a character limit when replying to a post, I figured I would flesh this idea out some more.
1. Breasts are something that men don't normally have.
- Unless we are morbidly obese, or going through major surgery, we do not have breasts. While this may infuriate some men, most are intrigued by this difference between the sexes. By the time boys have become men, we have figured out our own bodies. We know how our arms and legs work, many of us know how to take a punch to the stomach, the vast majority have figured out the more comedic parts of our pelvis, not to mention the act of self-gratification.
However, women have breasts, lumpy, squishy sacks of skin filled with fat and lactation sacs that when infused with hormones can produce milk. As disgusting as that may sound, they still draw the attention of males everywhere (and some females as well, but that's beside the point).
The simple fact of the matter is that much like a mountain, or a new land, the female breast is unexplored territory. We as men feel it is our duty to conquer this new territory; to explore its peaks and valley(s), to explore the nooks and crannies, the overhangs and points. As with any new discovery however, we always know there is more to find, which is why we are always examining anew breasts of all shapes and sizes. Even if we know our wives or girlfriend's breasts better than our own bodies, we still examine others - simply because we are curious. We know instinctively that it is new territory - unexplored regions of the earth that may remain mysteries (especially if we know what's good for us).
2. Breasts break up the straight line of the chest, it gives us something to look at.
- Go out and look at people in profile sometime, especially men. A lot of men (especially older gents) tend to develop a 'b' sort of upper body type. Not very attractive. Honestly, would you want some guy to come up to you in a bar and start rubbing his gut on your arm? >shudders< me neither.
However, women are often shaped like a 'P' which is much more aesthetically pleasing. Blame the inherent artist in men. Many of us have artistic ancestors and although it may have been diluted out severely over the generations, we still have a basic idea of a pleasing aesthetic. If you don't believe me, look at a guy naked and then a girl naked.
Let me rephrase that. porn does not count as looking at naked men and women. porn engages in improbable physical body types and unusual fetishes. Therefore, you cannot get a good idea of what a real naked person looks like.
Get a book on physiology or human anatomy, or even a book on the human body as an art reference. Look at the way the female body is designed. Now compare it to how a man is designed. The female form is rounded, curved, supple. The male form is angular, pointed, utilitarian. In short, looking at the female form is like walking through the Louvre. Looking at a man is like touring a construction site.
3. Many men are acutely aware that the manipulation of the breasts also creates pleasure in women, and that in turn gives us pleasure.
- As I also stated above, it's not necessarily for altruistic reasons. Quite often, men are hoping (or even expecting) some form of reciprocation in exchange for inciting pleasure in the woman. On the other hand, The ability to bring pleasure to a woman through the manipulation of the breasts feeds into the need for men to accomplish something. By bringing pleasure to a woman, men fill the need to say "I have pleasured this woman, see how studly and virile I am. By supplying some form of sexual gratification to this woman, I have transcended the status of mere man and entered the realm of god-hood."
Don't believe me? Women, next time your husband or boyfriend is finished fooling around with you, watch him strut. (No, I'm not immune to this either, just ask Melissa)
4. It's the whole sense of breaking a societal taboo that excites us.
- Blame the puritans for this one. For the longest time, we have been told that nudity is wrong, that to expose yourself to anyone is offensive. However, we're born without clothes. Society has been so ingrained with the thought that the naked body is somehow wrong, that society as a whole has developed a sort of psychosis about being seen naked.
At the same time, we are driven by an intense desire to break the rules, to test the boundaries of 'proper' society. By looking at a woman's clothed breasts, men are forced to engage their imaginations to visualize what they would look like naked; and imagined breasts tend to excite as much, if not more, than the real thing.
Barring such easy options as strip clubs, nudie magazines and the Internet Porn Machine, seeing bared breasts is such a thrill that words have difficulty expressing. Be it a quick flip up of the shirt at a rock concert, Mardi Gras, or Spring Break, a "wardrobe malfunction" (a totally bullshit term if I ever heard one), or a surprise move by a wife or girlfriend when she's feeling frisky - the taboo of public nudity sends chills down the spine of most red-blooded men. We feel as if we are seeing something we're not supposed to. much like peeping through the knothole of the fence around the nudist colony, Seeing bare breasts gives us the thrill of breaking that taboo.
In a small way, we regress back to our childhood, when we got our first glimpse of a naked breast, and we finally got it. In one shining moment of clarity, we discovered why girls were different from us, and suddenly, we had to know what exactly those things were.
At that point, we realize that there is a whole fresh new world of possibilities out there, ready to be explored. As we mature, we discover that this amazing new world can be even less fun and interesting than the world we lived in as kids, but by the simple flash of a breast, we can travel back to that point where we were naive and the possibilities are endless, even for a moment.
Now others may dispute these facts, but as far as I'm concerned, I think what I've said here can stand for most guys.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Untitled Story - Part Four
Minutes later, Bill and War stood outside the apartment complex. The sun had descended down past the other massive buildings that surrounded the two.
"So if you lose all of your powers when your horse is destroyed, is it possible to get the horse back?" Bill asked, looking down the street.
War shrugged. "Yeah, it's possible, but it requires a massive expendeture of energy to reform the horse, and the energy has to be in the form of the horse's power."
Bill whipped around to look at War. "In the form of the horse's power? So you mean that if you lost your horse..."
"There would have to be a massive war upon the world to recreate my horse, yes."
"So, in order to get Death's horse back, millions of people have to die?" Fear crept back into Bill's voice.
"That is correct." War replied.
"Has this ever happened before?" Bill asked, fearful of the answer.
War nodded. "Both Death and I lost our horses a while back, but we managed to get them back fairly quick."
"When was that?"
"I managed to get mine back in 1942. Death didn't get her's back until 1945." War shrugged.
"Wait a minute, 1945... that was when Hiroshima and Nagasaki were bombed, right?" Bill's stomach began to sink.
"Yes, and out of the cloud of Nagasaki rode Death's horse, alive and well again."
"But, those two explosions killed almost a million people!" Bill exclaimed.
"That was actually the final part, Death's horse had been reforming for some time. The war itself with all of it's active and passive casualties had done a lot to rebuild Death's horse." War continued.
Bill paled and sat down quickly. "Most reports state that over 60 million people died over the course of the war. Are you meaning to tell me that in order to get Death's horse back, we have to cause the death of 60 million people?"
War looked at him incredulously. "No. We don't have to do anything. We can just let people die but not rest. They're not going to be zombies, but they're not going to be stationary. After a while, as more people cease their life functions, there will be no living things left, and the end will finally be here."
Bill goggled. "So we can either kill 60 million people, or just let everyone reach some state of living death?"
"60 million is a bit excessive, I admit. It really only takes 5 million people to bring Death's horse back." War's tone was a little bored.
Bill slapped his forehead. "Of course! We just have to nuke New York and everything will be right with the world again. That's great!" Bill laughed maniacally for a moment "DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING!?" He screamed at War.
War lazily glanced at Bill. "Yeah." the tone coming off like a bored valley girl from the eighties.
"I'm not going to nuke New York!" Bill screamed at War. A passerby sped up looking worried.
"Fine" War shrugged. "Then we just let everyone die but not rest."
Bill put his head in his hands.
***
"So if you lose all of your powers when your horse is destroyed, is it possible to get the horse back?" Bill asked, looking down the street.
War shrugged. "Yeah, it's possible, but it requires a massive expendeture of energy to reform the horse, and the energy has to be in the form of the horse's power."
Bill whipped around to look at War. "In the form of the horse's power? So you mean that if you lost your horse..."
"There would have to be a massive war upon the world to recreate my horse, yes."
"So, in order to get Death's horse back, millions of people have to die?" Fear crept back into Bill's voice.
"That is correct." War replied.
"Has this ever happened before?" Bill asked, fearful of the answer.
War nodded. "Both Death and I lost our horses a while back, but we managed to get them back fairly quick."
"When was that?"
"I managed to get mine back in 1942. Death didn't get her's back until 1945." War shrugged.
"Wait a minute, 1945... that was when Hiroshima and Nagasaki were bombed, right?" Bill's stomach began to sink.
"Yes, and out of the cloud of Nagasaki rode Death's horse, alive and well again."
"But, those two explosions killed almost a million people!" Bill exclaimed.
"That was actually the final part, Death's horse had been reforming for some time. The war itself with all of it's active and passive casualties had done a lot to rebuild Death's horse." War continued.
Bill paled and sat down quickly. "Most reports state that over 60 million people died over the course of the war. Are you meaning to tell me that in order to get Death's horse back, we have to cause the death of 60 million people?"
War looked at him incredulously. "No. We don't have to do anything. We can just let people die but not rest. They're not going to be zombies, but they're not going to be stationary. After a while, as more people cease their life functions, there will be no living things left, and the end will finally be here."
Bill goggled. "So we can either kill 60 million people, or just let everyone reach some state of living death?"
"60 million is a bit excessive, I admit. It really only takes 5 million people to bring Death's horse back." War's tone was a little bored.
Bill slapped his forehead. "Of course! We just have to nuke New York and everything will be right with the world again. That's great!" Bill laughed maniacally for a moment "DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING!?" He screamed at War.
War lazily glanced at Bill. "Yeah." the tone coming off like a bored valley girl from the eighties.
"I'm not going to nuke New York!" Bill screamed at War. A passerby sped up looking worried.
"Fine" War shrugged. "Then we just let everyone die but not rest."
Bill put his head in his hands.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Untitled Story - Part Three
Shaking the fuzz from his head, Bill struggled back to his feet, rubbing his neck. "Wait a minute, what do you mean a Horseman will lose their powers if they lose their horse? I thought you guys were divine beings, drawn forth to herald the Rapture."
Glaring again, War fumed. "WE ARE-" "Damn it, would you stop with the head crushing voice?" Bill cut in, annoyance tinging his voice.
Fire blazed in War's eyes and Bill suddenly had the image of being skewered on a big sword from bottom to top flash through his head. However, when War spoke again, his voice was quiet again. "We are Horsemen without our horses, we're basically mortal. We have no control or say over our powers. Sometimes, they will randomly manifest, but for the most part, they don't work. Period."
A cold, numbing realization settled in the pit of Bill's stomach. Opening his mouth say something, he let it hang open as the full implications of what War explained settled in. A slow, high pitched whine filled the air, growing in volume and pitch until War appeared in front of Bill, slapping him across the face.
"Sorry. That damn noise was getting on my nerves." War apologized. He looked stricken. "Damnation. It's already starting." War muttered to himself. Seeing the confused look on Bill's face, War continued. "If once of us loses our horse, not only does that Horseman lose their powers, but the other's powers begin to wane - not to mention we begin to shift to the opposite of our personalities. In a way, we can tell immediately if one of us is in trouble."
"So, let me get this straight - because Bucky blew up Death's horse, she has lost her powers. Without her powers, people are not going to die. Right?" War nodded mutely. "In addition to that, the other Horsemen are going through personality shifts that make them polar opposites of their traditional personalities?" Bill pressed on. "So, instead of being an overbearing pain in the ass, you're now going to be meek and polite?"
War nodded morosely.
"Well, crap." Bill put set chin in his hand to think. "Well, we had better figure out how to fix this before Pestilence takes over Orkin or Terminex and Famine starts feeding the masses." Glancing over at War, Bill did a double take. On the floor next to his unconscious brother, War was in the fetal position.
Bill walked over to the now childlike Horseman and did something he never would have considered possible. He hauled War to his feet and slapped the mythical being across his rugged, scarred jaw. Twice.
The change was immediate. War's eyes blazed hotly. He threw back his arms, looked at the ceiling and bellowed "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" The walls shook in fear of the re-energized deity. A picture fell off the wall, terrified of what was to come. As War leveled his gaze at Bill, the sound of a foot stomping the floor above them broke the new silence.
"Dammit, Bill! Keep the volume down or I'm going to call the super!" A voice floated through the popcorn texture of the ceiling. "Sorry!" Bill yelled back up. "Mrs. Meyers." He explained to War, acting as if that was all the explanation that was needed.
***
Glaring again, War fumed. "WE ARE-" "Damn it, would you stop with the head crushing voice?" Bill cut in, annoyance tinging his voice.
Fire blazed in War's eyes and Bill suddenly had the image of being skewered on a big sword from bottom to top flash through his head. However, when War spoke again, his voice was quiet again. "We are Horsemen without our horses, we're basically mortal. We have no control or say over our powers. Sometimes, they will randomly manifest, but for the most part, they don't work. Period."
A cold, numbing realization settled in the pit of Bill's stomach. Opening his mouth say something, he let it hang open as the full implications of what War explained settled in. A slow, high pitched whine filled the air, growing in volume and pitch until War appeared in front of Bill, slapping him across the face.
"Sorry. That damn noise was getting on my nerves." War apologized. He looked stricken. "Damnation. It's already starting." War muttered to himself. Seeing the confused look on Bill's face, War continued. "If once of us loses our horse, not only does that Horseman lose their powers, but the other's powers begin to wane - not to mention we begin to shift to the opposite of our personalities. In a way, we can tell immediately if one of us is in trouble."
"So, let me get this straight - because Bucky blew up Death's horse, she has lost her powers. Without her powers, people are not going to die. Right?" War nodded mutely. "In addition to that, the other Horsemen are going through personality shifts that make them polar opposites of their traditional personalities?" Bill pressed on. "So, instead of being an overbearing pain in the ass, you're now going to be meek and polite?"
War nodded morosely.
"Well, crap." Bill put set chin in his hand to think. "Well, we had better figure out how to fix this before Pestilence takes over Orkin or Terminex and Famine starts feeding the masses." Glancing over at War, Bill did a double take. On the floor next to his unconscious brother, War was in the fetal position.
Bill walked over to the now childlike Horseman and did something he never would have considered possible. He hauled War to his feet and slapped the mythical being across his rugged, scarred jaw. Twice.
The change was immediate. War's eyes blazed hotly. He threw back his arms, looked at the ceiling and bellowed "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" The walls shook in fear of the re-energized deity. A picture fell off the wall, terrified of what was to come. As War leveled his gaze at Bill, the sound of a foot stomping the floor above them broke the new silence.
"Dammit, Bill! Keep the volume down or I'm going to call the super!" A voice floated through the popcorn texture of the ceiling. "Sorry!" Bill yelled back up. "Mrs. Meyers." He explained to War, acting as if that was all the explanation that was needed.
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