Friday, April 10, 2009

Politicks with a side of Rant

So, I get home from work today, and LW shows me some posts on the site she hangs out on (Cafemom.com). These people on this site really like to air their grievances about anything - doesn't matter what it is. Some groups, you wander into the discussion and I swear to goddess, you can actually smell the sweat from the gym, the cries of the nerds hanging from the flagpole by their underwear, even the underlying tones of desperation, panic, insecurity raging hormones of High School.
Anyways, LW brought up a interesting point today: Why the hell should we fall in line behind Obama? Why is it now a "bad thing" to bash Obama? What the hell kind of double standard is this? I mean, when Bush was in office (I'm really trying to be on my best behavior here, please bear with me), I was vocal about what an idiot I thought he was. Very vocal... to the point that I almost petitioned Oxford to update their entry of "fucking retarded dumbass" to include a picture of him.
Now, when Reagan was in office, I was too young to make a decision about his presidency. Although the Yuppie movement peaked during his presidency, I don't hold that against him. As near as I could tell, he did alright as far a presidents go. Then we had the Iran/Contra affair, and I saw Reagan as a guy who was duped by his staff - sort of like a benevolent, yet doddering old man who only wanted what was best for everyone.
Then Bush Sr. Took office. Not a whole lot going on there - really just kind of a place holder... a sort of neutral, flavorless, amorphous sort of blah type funk that just kind of liquefied the mind and turned Joe Public towards cable. The bright spot of Bush Sr. career? Dan Quayle - Hells yeah! Potatoe! Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Murphy Brown!
After Four years of mediocrity and a rather interesting incident involving a Japanese Premier, we got the presidential equivalent of Burt Reynolds in the 70's. All man, all the time, sex machine sax playin' Bill Clinton. The nation turned back from cable to network television for about an hour; then went back to trying to pirate the Playboy channel.
Re-election time gave us the sex symbol Bill Clinton Vs. the lack of sex symbol, Bob Dole. There was just something about an aging, Viagra popping, third person speaking republican who tended to put himself to sleep while talking. Geez, like there was really any question about who was going to win that one.
Then, came the *ahem* "shot* heard across the intern -erm... world. Clinton lied about it, and almost got himself impeached. Personally, I think he just refused to invite the right republicrats to his orgies, and feelings got hurt, and when the blue dress showed up, these little whine-asses decided that they wanted to really stick it to him (figuratively). Personally, if he had just come out and said "Yeah, I did get a hummer from her, and it was great!" A lot of people would had just kind of giggled, and said "Oh, Bill..." and slapped his wrist, and that would have been that.
After that, there was a great disturbance in the Force: Like a thousand voices crying out in terror, and then falling silent. But honestly, it was a foregone conclusion. Who was to be our next president? A Human sized Ent or a Frat Boy Texan with the IQ that would make a rock wonder what the hell he was thinking?
Big surprise. America had become apathetic enough that it all settled on one State. Florida, where everything is in the eighties, the temperatures, the ages, the clothing styles and the IQs. Yeek. We went to bed that night knowing the free world was still in democratic hands, and woke up in some Philip K. Dick/George Orwell dystopian nightmare. Well, that's what it felt like to some of us. I just rolled my eyes and figured that the world was mediocre enough that the next four years would be just a warmed over rehash of Bush Sr.
However, Islamic extremists decided that they had been barred from one too many decadent western parties, and decided to take out their frustration by stealing a couple of planes and flying them into the Twin Towers in New York. Suddenly, Bush pt. 2 had to hero up and actually play president: A task that scared the holy livin' bejeezus out of most democrats (who by this time had decided to move to Canada (allegedly)), as well as El Presidente.
Sure, the media was full of pictures of Bush sitting in a kindergarten room, looking lost, not knowing what to do. Michael "I'm a rich, fat, white guy" Moore questioned what he was doing while the towers burned. Truth is, Bush was still trying to figure out why they must not "hop on pop".
The Nation rallied around the dumbfounded president. Congress passed the "Patriot Act" without bothering to actually read the damn thing. This feel good measure all but guaranteed the ALCU was going to stay in business for the next four years at the least. By this point in time, a lot of photo ops happened, a lot of conjecture what thrown around, and Bush decided that in order to get things back together, we needed to go to Afghanistan and hunt down the mastermind of the attacks, Osama Bin Laden.
Three months (give or take however much time it actually took) of daisy cutters and moving rocks from this pile over here to that pile over there via large explosions, it is decided that Osama is actually none other than that Wacky Iraqi, Sadam Hussein. After running him to ground, they finally capture the fallen despot hiding out in the four star Hilton spider hole. After being returned to Iraq, he is judged, found guilty, and hung within half an hour of being home (times listed may have been changed for comedic/rhetorical purposes).
In the power vacuum that occurred from the vacating of the position of "Evil Threat to America", the government decide that instead of focusing on one leader, we'll piss off the entire world. Amazingly enough, government finally accomplished something it had set out to do. Huzzah! What the hell does the rest of the world know? We're America!
The next election rolls around. Frat boy Vs. The Human Skeleton. Round One: Bell rings, Skeleton comes out strong! Frat boy is reeling! Ooh! saved by the bell! Round Two: Bell Rings, Skeleton is riding high from first round, but wait! what is this? Swift Boat Veterans have snuck into the ring and... OH MY GOD! Chair shot! The Swift Boat Veterans have blindsided the Human Skeleton with a steel chair upside the head! But wait! He's not going down! Round Three: Bell Rings, Frat boy comes out swinging, but wait! Where's the Human Skeleton? He's just sitting there, while the Swift Boat Veterans are beating him around the head and neck with anything they can get their hands on! Ooh, a trash can! Jeez, did you see that Kendo stick just shatter? Why is he not fighting back?
Final verdict? Well Duh... was there any question? I was really surprised Kerry even bothered to show up to the results.
Post drubbing, Bush manages to piss away not only any support he has over seas, but manages to turn America into a pseudo-police state. Questions about as to whether or not he is actually in control or if others are pulling the strings behind him. One of the alleged "puppet masters" shoots a lawyer in the face, winning a temporary reprieve from crappy ratings. Talks with the networks seem to hint that the Dram-edy "Bush's League" is on track to be canceled prematurely.
Sensing issues that need to be addressed, America goes to the polls and in a stunning move, republicans get a cold glass of water to the face by losing the majority of seats in both the House and the Senate. Winds of change begin to blow.
Blacks, Women, Mormons, and the standard mix of lunatics, blowhards, and fat, stupid, white men start stumping across America. The dozing giant, now tired of pay-per-view porn, decide to actually pay attention to just what the hell is actually going on: Just in time for the American financial system to suffer a massive coronary. Millions of people lose their jobs, their homes, their 401k, their will to live.
In a brilliant move, the government says "Hey! Fannie Mae, Freddy Mac, you're soo intertwined in the American System that we'll take you over. Oh, hey! AIG! You're the ones who started this all, here's a ton of money! Go buy hookers and shit!"
Fast forward to the semi-finals: We have a Black Man with a white man backing him up Vs. A White man with a white woman backing him up. Hurrah! Now, not only do we have the race card in play, but also the gender card! Rock on party people! Now, America is going to make history regardless of who wins. A Black Man, or a White Woman (face it, McCain would die in office).
Sure, she was hot, even MILF material, up until she opened her mouth. One minute, she is the object of most guys fantasies, the next, she's sounding just like Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter, except even more clueless and with a gun.
Hilarity ensues as both parties manage to make asses of themselves time and again, but ultimately, McCain does the right thing and bows to reason. Palin on the other hand, apparently doesn't get the memo and continues to let her loony show.
The economy continues to tank, the new president brings logic to America, the world breathes a sigh of relief. Dems celebrate, repubs start booking passage to Canada. All is well, right?
Wrong.
New Pres brings too much logic, not enough action. Money is going out faster than we can make it. People whining that it's all New Pres fault, never mind that all this shit started out over 12 years ago.
Do I think new pres is going to fix everything? Dunno, but I will say this. I am sick of all these professional politicians who run the government. I think we need a new voice....

Me.

Pick your jaw back up. I figure if we've had the worst the republcrats can throw at us, between mediocre, horny bastard, idiot and cold, calculating logician, we can't do any worse. I'll tell you what: If elected, I promise we as a nation will party like rockstars. We will have our ups and our downs. We'll storm in the front door, and slink out the back after your parents show up. We'll makes sweet, sweet, passionate love, and quick, dirty, meaningless sex. We'll make millions and lose it all on lottery tickets.
Once we're done, and have decided that it's not going to work out, we'll part ways, a little older, a little wiser, perhaps even with a new outlook on life.

Oh who am I kidding, I don't have the attention span to be president. Besides, the American populace would have to be smoking crack while eating entire sheets of blotter acid as Beavis & Butthead plays in the background.

Anyways, As I was saying earlier: Barak is a big boy. Even though I may have voted for him, he wasn't my first choice, and I don't really agree with a lot he is doing. Do I agree with a lot of those guys out there that say he is doing it all wrong? No, but I don't think they need to be told to shut the fuck up either. We got to rant and rave for eight years, and I must say, some of my republican friends were very gracious about my vitriol. The least I can do is allow them to now return the favor.
Just as long as they don't attack his skin color, he's fair game. So for all of you out there saying we need to get behind him and support him, do me a favor... GO AWAY. You can't sit there and bash Bush, only to now say "hey, you can't say that about the president!" Fuckin' Hypocrites.... Shut up....
Listen, you took potshots at Bush, your guy got into office, now it's time to put on your big girl panties and face the fact that not everyone agrees with you. Surprise! The real world sucks!

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